Wherever You Will Go(60)

He picks up what looks like a large metal Frisbee and places it over a corner of the cardboard as he then begins to spray black paint all around it. As soon as the artist pulls the Frisbee off it’s obvious he has just created a large moon. I gasp in awe and clap excitedly. Thankfully a small crowd has gathered around us, and I’m not the only one excitedly clapping.

We continue watching the artist in a trance while waiting to see what he’ll create next as a cool breeze moves through. With the warm afternoon giving way to night I shiver as the breeze tickles my skin.

Saxon must notice and he quickly looks down and then wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close against his side. My curves melt against his strong muscle and I shiver again, but for different reasons this time. Saxon takes it as a sign I’m still cold and doesn’t glance away from the artist as he pulls me in front of him and wraps both of his warm arms around the tops of my shoulders, holding my arms against my body tightly.

Even though he’s only in a t-shirt himself, the warmth which comes from having his body wrapped around mine is all-consuming. It’s like slipping into a warm bath after coming in from the cold rain. I instinctively rub my hands over his forearms before resting them there.

The comfort I feel from his embrace is indescribable. It occurs to me it’s been more than six months since I have been held, have been cuddled, comforted, or held someone’s hand. I think back to the overwhelming feelings when Saxon first held my hand today, and compare them to the feelings I had last night when we had sex. I satisfied a physical need last night. A physical need I definitely had, but there is no comparison to the need I have for companionship. The need for intimacy which only a strong man holding you, comforting you, caressing you, and holding your hand can bring.

It’s these basic and innocent touches which I’ve missed the most since losing Nate. You take it for granted when you’re with someone for so long, and I didn’t realise how much I had missed it until having Saxon fill those needs today. There is something so intimate about these touches. You can fuck someone with no emotions involved at all, but it’s the cuddling and touching afterwards that makes it such an intimate act. Having Saxon hold me like this, in public no less, almost makes me feel guiltier than sleeping with him. I feel like I’m giving him more of myself, more of myself which I should be keeping for Nate.

My stomach buzzes with an unnamed emotion. Is it excitement? The warm feeling of someone caring for me washes over me. Caring about what makes me happy, what matters to me. I do want that again, sometime in the far distant future. I shake the thoughts from my head, remembering the promise I made to myself about going with the flow.

I watch as the artist has now used a spatula to cut into the paint and create a bridge underneath the moon. He sprays a little white under the bridge and rubs over it with his hand before holding the picture up. The white has created a mirror image of the bridge reflecting on the water underneath. Everyone cheers and claps at the finished product, bringing me out of my daze.

“I didn’t know where he was going with that to begin with,” I say looking back up at Saxon.

He laughs. “I know, I thought he was messing with us at first.”

We both laugh as I try to move from Saxon’s hold. He pulls me tighter before slowly releasing me. “So do you think you can squeeze some dinner in after all that fudge?” he asks me with a silly grin on his face.

“Would you believe I’m starving?” I smile.

“Actually I would.” He takes my hand in his and pulls me towards the car.

Saxon and I chat easily the whole time we’re driving to dinner. Our conversation flows effortlessly and is full of laughter and banter. I’m so immersed within our conversation I don’t even notice he’s brought me to his apartment until he’s opening his window to put the code into the underground parking lot.

“I thought you were feeding me?” I ask, a little confused.

“I said I was taking you to dinner, I didn’t say where I was taking you.”

I don’t respond to him as he parks in his designated spot, and I reach for the handle to open the door. Saxon grabs my elbow, holding me in place. “Is this all right?” he asks quietly, studying my face.

I hate that I make him that way, unsure and insecure. This is not the real Saxon, and I know he isn’t like this with anyone else. I hate that he feels he has to be like that with me.

Deciding to not think about it and continue with the flow as I have all day, I give him a wide smile. “It’s fine as long as you feed me. I’m fading away here.”