My hands had pressed up against his chest, grazing over his pectorals and down his strongly-defined stomach, sliding my fingers down to his sexy V. I’d said to Nate I didn’t know why we owned a king-size bed when we always ended up wrapped together right in the middle taking up hardly any room at all. He’d laughed and replied it was room for all the kids we were going to have to jump in with us. He was so excited about us starting a family, which made me wonder if he had been holding off for me, waiting for me to say I was ready.
When Nate had finally unwrapped himself from around me to go to the bathroom I watched as he strolled in. He was walking lighter, and I knew he was on top of the world. Before entering, he’d turned his head and given me the widest smile and a sexy wink.
It was later that morning when I received the knock on my door which altered my world forever. Nate had been in a car accident on the way to the office. An older gentleman had run a red light and hit Nate’s car, driver’s side. The impact killing him instantly.
I wish I could stay in our last perfect moment. Instead, I’m pulled back to the hell that is now my life. No longer able to ignore the blubbering and sniffling, I look to my left and see my mum holding a handkerchief to her nose, tears running down her cheeks, her eyes pinched shut with pain.
For a fleeting moment I wonder what she has to be so sad about. I know my parents loved Nate; they welcomed him into our family with no reservations. This surprised me at the time, being that I’m their only child, and a girl at that. I thought my dad was going to be a bit tougher to conquer, but really I should’ve known: Nate could charm anyone. Not in a used-car salesman type of way, but in the way which was just Nate. He was honest and sincere with everyone he met. Respectful of his clients, fair to his employees and loving and loyal to anyone who was special and meant something to him.
So yeah, I knew my mum was upset, knew she would feel the loss of her only son, but what had she really lost? She had Dad to go home with. When she felt sad or lost, Dad would hold her and comfort her. Who did I have? What would I do tonight when the pain became so overwhelming that I was throwing up in the bathroom? When I couldn’t think of living another day without him and struggled to breathe remembering Nate wouldn’t be the first thing I see in the morning?
The guilt settles in and I give Mum a light comforting tap on her knee. Mum’s eyes pop open and meet mine for a brief moment before I turn my face back towards the wooden box my soul-mate lies in.
The heat of Mum’s stare burns the side of my face while searching, looking, and wishing to see something. I could save her the time and tell her there’s nothing left. Anything I had lies in that coffin, and I am broken beyond all repair.
Normally, I’m an emotional person. Nate would laugh at me all the time when I would cry at silly advertisements on the TV, like the one with the war heroes returning home to loved ones, or the one where the cutest dog ever rolls around in the toilet paper. Don’t ask me why. Or the one about funeral insurance where the old couple are walking down the street holding hands, and suddenly the man disappears leaving the woman walking alone. I wonder if our reactions would’ve been different if we knew then it would soon be us.
Nate wouldn’t recognise me sitting here today: eyes dry of tears, face blank, and body numb. I don’t know why I’m having this reaction. Part of me thinks it’s because deep down I don’t want everyone to watch me fall apart, the other part of me thinks it’s because during the last week I have cried myself out of tears, but most of me thinks it’s because I’m broken.
No longer the Brooke I once was. The happy Brooke, the vibrant Brooke, easy-going, laid-back, and positive Brooke. I’m missing something, and I know exactly what that is: my partner, my conscience, my brainstormer, my handyman, my therapist, my negotiator, my cheer squad, my best friend, my other half … my soul mate.
The pastor calls the pallbearers, and I watch as Saxon leads Nate’s father, Mark, along with Logan and Jake, who are Saxon and Nate’s other best friends from college. It means a lot to me that they flew in on such short notice. I know they’re both busy in their own careers as well, Nate being the only one of the four who has settled down … or had settled down.
I guess I’ll need to get used to talking about Nate in the past tense, as he was instead of as he is. In thinking that notion, a lump forms in my throat and a tightness pulls in my chest.
I watch as they carry my husband out. This will be the last time I see him, walk with him. Standing to follow, there is relief as both my hands are released. Rachel gets to her feet and wraps her arm tightly around my waist, as if she thinks she may have to lead me, help me walk, or carry me even.