Once I’m ready to go, I stand in front of my full-length mirror and run my hands down my hips. Wow, I sure look the part; now let’s hope I can act it. Checking my watch, I notice It’s getting late, and I decide I should start to make my way into the office before my doubts and insecurities get the better of me and I change my mind.
The closer I get to the office, the tighter my grip gets on the steering wheel. It’s 8:55 am when I pull into the underground parking lot of Argo. Releasing my tight hold on the steering wheel, my hands are all hot and sweaty.
Stepping out of the car, I wipe my palms down my skirt and curse myself as it leaves wet marks on the light grey material. My legs are shaking, and my nerves are climbing to an all-time high.
I quickly sit back in the driver’s seat and shut the door. I can’t do this. What was I thinking?
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes as I lay my head back on the headrest and concentrate on my breathing. Come on Brooke, deep breaths. In and out. You can do it. You are stronger than this. In and out.
I’m slowly psyching myself up to get out of the car when there is a loud knock on my window. My eyes fly open as I scream a high-pitched girly scream. Ruth is standing there with a sad smile. My body relaxes at the familiar and comforting face.
I throw the door open, and Ruth scrambles out of the way just before it knocks her over. Jumping out of the car I throw myself into her arms.
I can’t believe how happy I am to see her. I didn’t realise how much I would miss her. Talking to Ruth every day on the phone when I would call for Nate had become a constant in my life, and I should have known the effect not talking to her for three months would have on me. I spoke to her more than I spoke to my own mum.
Ruth holds me as tight as I hold her, but somehow her grip is stronger. More confident and dominating where mine feels weak, reliant, and as if I’m clutching for hope.
She grasps my shoulders and holds me in front of her, looking me up and down. “You are looking well, Brooke. I’m so glad you’re here. I didn’t know you were coming today; Saxon didn’t say anything. It’s not like he could’ve forgotten as I ask him every day how you are.”
I smile shyly at this wonderful woman. “I know, he mentioned you were hounding him.”
“Hounding him? I wanted to keep in check on how things were going with you, and you know Saxon; he isn’t exactly forthcoming with information. I thought he would at least tell me you were coming today—I would’ve prepared things for you. Even though he’s had things prepared for months.”
This catches me off guard. “Had what prepared for months?”
“You’ll see everything in time, dear. So, is this permanent?” she asks, her eyes going wide.
“Yes, I think it is. And don’t blame Saxon, he actually doesn’t know I’m here today.”
Her face lights up. “Really? Oh, please let me be the one to take you to him. He’s going to be so happy to see you here.”
I pause at Ruth’s admission, wondering why she assumes he is going to be so thrilled to see me. Guilt tightens my stomach, I should’ve come sooner. Straightening my shoulders I decide to just go in there and deal with it head on.
Leaning into my car, I grab my purse and small carry bag that holds my lunch, reading glasses, some pens, white-out, and scissors. Do people bring their own stationery to their offices? I don’t know. I grabbed anything I could see this morning as I ran out the door. I didn’t want the picture of Nate and me in Europe last year to be the only thing I had in my bag.
I look over to Ruth with a smile I’m sure doesn’t reach my eyes. “Lead the way,” I say as I hold my arm towards the elevator.
We ride the elevator in silence, and I know she’s quiet for my sake. She probably knows I need the peace, can probably feel the tension radiating off my body. When the doors open I step off the elevator with purpose, but stop suddenly in my tracks when I see Ruth’s desk completely empty: no computer, no paperwork, nothing except a sign which says reception is down the hall. Automatically I look towards Nate’s office door, and notice it’s closed. Nate’s door was never closed.
Ruth squeezes my hand. Her grip is gentle, her voice soft. “We moved me down the hall in front of Saxon’s office. We thought it was easier being closer, seeing as I’m only looking after him now.”
I try to swallow past the lump in my throat. “Of course.” I smile at her. “It makes much more sense, and you don’t want to be sitting down here all by yourself.”
I look around the office area and find it’s empty. It almost looks abandoned, which I guess, in a way, it is. I wonder how Nate’s office has been left. Have they packed it all up? Will that be my office now? I’m not sure if I would be happy with that or not. In a way it brings comfort and warmth, but then I think about how hard it would be to be surrounded by Nate all day. It would be like it is at home, and I’m meant to be avoiding that.