She accepted wearing a pure white dress for her wedding was more for tradition than truth. She was no longer the consummate virgin she had hoped she would be when she walked down the aisle of the church to meet her future husband. Alexis accepted that hard truth. For some, it may not have seemed like a big deal. It may have even appeared antiquated. But for Alexis, her convictions were real. The feelings of self-loathing and disappointing her God and her faith were taking a toll on her.
“Lex, tell me what’s the matter. You know how much it hurts me to see you cry.”
Chance’s loving voice brought Alexis back from her overwhelming thoughts. She wanted to be candid with Chance about what she was feeling, but she didn’t want to risk alienating him, or worse yet, him making her feel like she was being silly for being so concerned about the whole thing.
“I know, Chance. Really, it’s nothing,” Alexisreplied; trying to convince herself as much as she tried to convince her lover. She looked away from him, gently wiping the tears from her eyes. Chance wasn’t having that. He reached out to Alexis and lifted her chin; forcing her to look him in the eye.
“Lex, talk to me.”
He is so kind and loving. Surely he will understand my plight, Alexis thought to herself. She raised herself up to a sitting position. Lying next to her still naked fiancé was too much of a distraction. She wanted to be able to have this conversation with Chance and not be dissuaded or distracted by him. Alexis reached out to hold Chance’s hand. He obliged and took his other hand and placed it on top; completely covering hers. His touch was reassuring. Alexis took a deep breath.
“I’m so sorry for crying, you didn’t do anything wrong,” she began.
“So what’s the matter then babe?” Chance was relieved he hadn’t hurt Alexis, but still needed to know what was bothering her.
“I’m struggling, Chance…really struggling.”
“I know it’s a lot with the wedding so close, but just hang on babe. We’re almost at the finish line.” Alexis had been working hard. Even with a wedding planner and the support of her mom and girlfriends, she had still taken most of the responsibility for the wedding logistics. She hadn’t let Chance do much of anything with the exception of picking out his tuxedo and what the best men would wear. But even with that, she was right there with him – in the dressing room and everything. He appreciated how much she had given of herself. He, too, would be glad when the whole thing was over so they could go on their honeymoon and just relax for a while.
“No it’s not the planning. Yeah it has been a challenge, but that’s not it,” she corrected. It wasn’t fair of her to let Chance guess or assume. Before he could offer any more speculation, Alexis summoned all her courage and tried to tell him what was really bothering her.
“It’s just that… I mean…”Alexis was still struggling with her words. Just say it, she thought to herself.
“Chance I love you so much.”
“I love you, too, Lex…”
She stopped him before he went any further. Alexis had to get it out now, or risk never saying it at all and feeling worse because of it.
“When we first got together I thought I knew what real love was and how it made you feel. But you taught me so much…You taught me what it’s like to feel like a woman; to have a man love you and show you just how much he cares.”
As she continued her voice became a bit stronger; more convincing.
“I love the way you make me feel and I love making love to you.”
Chance smiled sheepishly. He was a bit embarrassed. No woman he’d ever been with had said anything like that to him before – at least not in that way. Alexis was a virgin when they first got together, but Chance wasn’t. He had been with plenty of women before her, and a few after they initially got together. But for the past year, he had been monogamous; only sharing himself with the woman he intended to make his wife. Chance knew that Alexis had more to say. That couldn’t have been the problem. He listened intently as she continued.
“But as much as I love connecting with you in that way, I feel so guilty after it’s over… so ashamed…”
She dropped her head as she spoke. She was embarrassed to even be saying it aloud, but she knew she had to. Alexis didn’t want any secrets between them. More than that, she didn’t want to feel condemned in her spirit for loving the man she felt was divinely created just for her.
Chance knew what she was referring to. When he first met Alexis, she was a bit of a goodie two-shoes. Chance could tell she had been sheltered. Alexis was attractive; a little over 5’5, medium build and slightly bowlegged. Her eyes were dark brown and her skin was even darker. Alexis had thick natural hair and she kept it that way – natural. Whether she was rocking her hair in an afro or beautifully twisted, Chance liked the fact Alexis was confident in whom she was and didn’t feel the need to conform to trends. At first he thought she was stuck up and a bit of a prude. His initial interest in her was more of a personal challenge. He wanted to see if he could break Alexis out of her saved and sanctified shell. However, what started off as a challenge and adding a notch to his male egotistical belt, turned into much more. He learned a lot about her and the reasons why she was the way she was. Chance became intrigued by Alexis, and learned to appreciate the fact that she wasn’t like all the other hood-type girls he had dealt with in the past.