When She Was Bad(76)

‘I didn’t slip.’ Rachel pronounced the word as if it was something distasteful. ‘I was pushed.’

There was a silence while everyone tried to absorb what had happened. Paula, who’d been largely silent since returning from her solitary exploration, was the first to break it.

‘I think we should talk about all this when we’re safely back at the hotel. Rachel should probably get that head looked at.’

They set off in the opposite direction from the arrow Ewan had drawn in the dirt with a stick, heading, they hoped, in a south-westerly direction to where the van was. With Chloe dredging up her A-level Geography knowledge to read the Ordnance Survey map, they navigated their way through the seemingly never-ending wood, eventually coming out into a field from which they were able to pick up a public footpath that would lead them to the pick-up spot.

While Ewan and Amira followed behind Chloe and Paula, supporting Rachel who seemed to be recovering quickly from her ordeal, Sarah and Charlie fell back behind the others. Shock had jolted Charlie out of the strange mood he’d been in since her pregnancy announcement of the day before.

‘What really happened?’ he asked her, his voice low.

Sarah felt another stab of misplaced guilt.

‘I told you. We spoke. She called me a bitch, out of the blue. Or at least I’m pretty sure she did. Then I passed out.’

‘What, literally blacked out?’

‘Yes. Well, no, not literally. It’s more of a wooziness that comes over me. It’s a pregnancy thing.’

She thought she could sense Charlie stiffening beside her at that word ‘pregnancy’.

‘So you didn’t see or hear anything?’

‘No, Charlie, I didn’t. What is this? You don’t believe me? You think I pushed her?’

‘No, of course not. I mean, everyone knows you’re pissed off about this disciplinary threat – not to mention hormonally unbalanced – but that doesn’t make you a homicidal maniac, does it?’

Sarah glanced at Charlie and saw that the corners of his mouth were twitching. She relaxed slightly, hoping they were friends again.

‘I bet she slipped down there, and was too humiliated to admit it,’ she said. ‘So she made the whole thing up.’

‘Yeah, or maybe she planned the whole thing and bashed herself in the head with a rock to make it look good.’

They both giggled, and Sarah could have cried with relief. It felt so good to be sharing confidences with Charlie again after feeling so cast out.

But as they emerged through another copse of trees and saw the minibus in the distance, with the sales and marketing team already gathered around it, swigging from plastic cups, the knot in her stomach returned. Surely no one would believe she’d actually done anything to Rachel? The rain was starting to come down in earnest now, soaking through her jacket and dripping off her eyelashes. Yet with every step they took towards the bus, her trepidation grew. Something bad had happened back there. But she had a terrible feeling that things were about to get a lot worse.





30

Anne



There was another photograph on the news last night. Taken with friends outside a café or bar, three faces smiling into the camera, arms around each other’s shoulders. I knew instantly which one was you. I’d kept tabs over the years, through Barbara. When a case affects you that much, you don’t let it go easily. Until that picture flashed up last night, though, I hadn’t recognized anything of the child from all those years ago in the photos she’d sent me. But something about that picture, a familiar look in the eyes, brought it all back.

I wondered then about your life. Were you close to the two women either side of you? That would mean you were at least capable of forming friendships. Have you been happy? What had turned the person smiling at the camera into someone capable of doing what you did? Was this in some way my fault?



Before our fifth session with Laurie, Ed Kowalsky and I met up with officials from the Child Welfare Department. Hurrying up the steps to the brownstone building downtown where the Welfare Department was housed, past the flagpole where the Stars and Stripes hung, noticeably faded after a relentless summer, I felt nervous. Underqualified.

I’d arranged to meet Ed there, ostensibly because it was more convenient but really to avoid another tense journey in Ed’s dog-hair-ridden station wagon. Ever since we had stood side by side in that dank basement, we’d been awkward around each other. Whereas a few weeks before, he would lean into me in that way he had, as if personal space was an outdated concept, now he seemed to shrink back.

I was late to the meeting. I’d spent too long preparing, trying to pre-empt the questions I’d be asked. Determined not to be found wanting. By the time I arrived at the meeting room, having had to retrace my steps to reception after failing to find it on the first attempt, I was out of breath and flustered. It was an unseasonably warm day and I regretted my choice of a long-sleeved shirt and thick cotton pants. From the heat coming off my skin, I could tell that my face would have gone the deep red I hated.