When She Was Bad(57)

There was a resounding silence followed by a thin ‘yay’ from Sarah, standing next to Will, looking cold and miserable in her T-shirt. So it was just Paula then, feeling as if there was a microwave heating her up from the inside out.

Ahead of her, Charlie had started climbing. He took delicate but deliberate steps, setting his dinky feet on the rungs in a rhythm. Paula’s heart pounded as she watched him, knowing she was next. Was it too late to pull out? She pictured herself unclipping the rope that connected her to the others and stepping out of the line. ‘Sorry,’ she’d joke. ‘I wouldn’t make it far on I’m a Celebrity, would I?’ She looked across at Sarah who was going to be staying safely on the ground and felt a whoosh of envy.

‘Right, Paula. Let’s see what you’re made of,’ shouted Will. ‘Let’s see you shimmying up that tower.’

Paula put one foot on the first rung of the tower, cursing her imitation Converse shoes that her daughter Amy had giggled about for a good ten minutes when she’d spotted them that morning. Amy had even taken a selfie of herself wearing them to send around her friends, using that application that erased photos almostly instantly so that no one could pass it on. Thinking about Amy and Cam and how they’d kill themselves laughing if they could see her now spurred Paula on to go up another two rungs. It wasn’t so bad as long as you didn’t look up or down.

Below, she heard Sarah shout: ‘Brilliant, Paula. You’re doing really well!’

As she neared the top, she could feel her legs starting to wobble. The rungs were slippery under her hands and she paused and hooked an elbow through so she could hug the ladder with one hand and wipe the palm of the other on her trousers.

Charlie’s face appeared over the top looking slack with relief.

‘Come on, Paula. If I can do it, anyone can. Just one little vault and you’ll be here.’

By now everything was wobbling – arms, legs, even the soles of her feet as they balanced on the metal rungs – and the sweat was pouring down her back inside her sweatshirt. She was conscious of Ewan standing just beneath her. His fingers tapped impatiently on the metal of the rung just below her feet. Paula took a deep breath in, trying to still her rising panic. Just one more rung. She reached up with her right arm, then her right leg and then felt hands reaching out to clasp hers and . . . she was up.

For a moment, she thought she was going to collapse, but then Amira’s arm was around her.

‘You did it. Bloody well done.’

Mark Hamilton came towards her with his hand raised so at first she had the alarming impression he was about to hit her.

‘High five, teammate,’ he said. She wiped her palm surreptitiously on her trousers again before raising it to his.

‘Way to go,’ yelled Will from the bottom as Ewan, eschewing offers of help, swung himself into the tower. Paula saw him glance across at Rachel to see what sort of impression he’d made. Did he really think he had any chance with their boss? Why couldn’t he see that she was just playing him along, keeping him in reserve like a little lap dog?

When Paula was younger, she’d had a friend a bit like Rachel. Claudia had arrived at the school mid-year and Paula had been put in charge of showing her around, after which Claudia had adopted her – at least until something better had come along. All these years on, Paula could still remember the euphoria of those days when Claudia would seek her out or laugh at something she said or, as occasionally happened, invite her back to her rambling Victorian house with her four wild brothers and her bohemian parents who let them drink a glass of wine with their dinner. And then the agony of those times when Claudia would cold-shoulder her in the lunch queue or swap in-jokes with the other girls about funny things that had happened at gatherings Paula hadn’t been invited to.

Claudia had soon moved on. Found her natural milieu among the popular kids and by the end of the year Paula found it hard to believe they’d ever hung out together. But since Rachel arrived, Claudia had been popping into Paula’s head a lot. Sometimes, during one of her nocturnal insomnia sessions where she’d lie awake listening to Ian’s snoring through the wall and worrying about money and how her children were ever going to be able to afford to leave home and whether her life would always be this much of a struggle just to keep going, things that Claudia had said to her would come zinging across the decades. The awful time Claudia had told a mutual friend that Paula didn’t even know how to put a tampon in. But over the top of it all, that sense of terrible grief at being cast out without even a chance to prove herself, without even realizing it was happening until it was too late. No question, Ewan was heading for a fall if he kept on running around after Rachel.