When She Was Bad(32)

‘Was pushed, you mean.’

But now she’d actually told Rachel she was interested, Amira felt grubby, and she had the feeling that Rachel knew that and was enjoying it on some level.

‘I’m happy to hear that, Amira. I’ll keep you updated as things progress.’

Amira’s stomach had lurched at that phrase, knowing that the thing that was progressing was Paula’s dismissal from the company, whatever form that might take. It wasn’t that she and Paula were best buddies. Though they got on well as colleagues, on a personal level they had very little in common. But they were part of a team. And team members didn’t stab other team members in the back.

As she left Rachel’s office, Amira took a detour around Paula’s desk, pretending to check the printer, just so she wouldn’t have to meet the older woman’s eyes. Knowledge of Paula’s impending fate was a hard, heavy stone in her gut. Her route back from the printer took her past Sarah’s desk and she was both relieved and disappointed to see that she had her head bent over some paperwork. Sarah and Amira were friends. Proper friends. She felt bad not telling her about Rachel’s offer. But as she passed, Sarah suddenly reached out and grabbed her arm.

‘Was she having a go at you? About being late yesterday?’

For a second, Amira contemplated lying. She knew it wasn’t fair that only Sarah had got into trouble for taking so long getting Gill’s present. But she realized that if she pretended she’d also been reprimanded, Sarah would want to know the details and it would all get too complicated.

‘No. Just going over the figures for March.’

Sarah’s expression froze and her hand dropped to her desk as if burned.

Amira headed back to her seat, feeling even worse than she had a few minutes before. She texted Tom.

Told R I was interested in job. Feel like crap

She waited for him to reply but no message came.





18

Sarah



‘Three dates. Is it too early to start redecorating his living room, do you think?’

‘Maybe wait until you know his last name?’

‘You’re so old-fashioned.’

Sarah couldn’t remember when she’d last seen Charlie this happy. It was as if someone had yanked the dial of the dimmer switch round, lighting him up from inside. Normal Charlie was an endearing if reserved mix of cynicism and kindness, warmth and resignation. Now he shone with an emotional energy so exposing you almost wanted to look away, as if you were seeing something you shouldn’t.

She was nervous for him, slightly afraid of the new-found enthusiasm that bordered on mania. Though Charlie had more friends than anyone else she knew, it didn’t stop him being lonely, and he’d told her so many times how much he envied her family life that she couldn’t bear to tell him that it sometimes swamped her, that she felt she was drowning in other people’s expectations of her, other people’s demands.

‘I assume he’s removed himself from Grindr now he’s met the love of his life?’

A shadow flitted across Charlie’s face and Sarah caught her breath. He’d made himself too vulnerable. She could already tell. His soft brown eyes looked suddenly uncertain.

‘It’s maybe a bit early to be exclusive, don’t you think?’ he said.

‘I’ll take that as a no then.’

‘I don’t want to push it. I don’t want to come over all jihadi on him: You will deactivate your social media accounts and wear a veil at all times so other men cannot look upon you. To be honest, Sarah, I don’t think I’m successful enough for him. He was a bit underwhelmed when I told him what I did. He’s after someone with a more impressive bank balance and job title.’

‘And lunchbox.’

‘Oi! Anyway, how are you? You’re looking a bit stressed, sweetie, if you don’t mind me saying. Is it the thought of that disciplinary letter?’

‘Yes. It’s really doing my head in. “Consider this a final warning.” It’s so apocalyptic. I feel like there’s a great big sword hanging over my head wherever I go.’

While this was the truth, it wasn’t the whole truth. But Sarah couldn’t tell Charlie what else was bothering her because that would mean articulating it in words, and once she did that, she’d have to deal with it . . . and the thought of that made her entire nervous system vibrate like a dentist’s drill. She was trying not to think about it, but the effort of not-thinking about it was making her jumpy and nervous. She envied Charlie his new-found passion and his lack of ties that meant he was answerable to no one but himself. If Charlie had been hit with a totally unfair and unwarranted disciplinary warning, he could choose to tell them where to stuff their job, but because she had Oliver and Sam and Joe to consider, she just had to suck it up.