When It's Right(7)
She’d never seen dark the way she did out here. Last night, she and Justin slept in the truck along a dirt road just off the main highway. She hadn’t wanted to waste any more of their money on a motel. The stars had shined so brightly, and by the millions that she couldn’t conceive that she’d lived her whole life in one city or another and missed out on seeing such a spectacular celestial show.
Despite her terrible circumstances, she’d always loved San Francisco. One day soon she’d miss the smell of the ocean on the breeze and the way the fog rolled in like a wall of mist. Or how it sometimes snuck up on you like a ghost.
She’d miss the people from all walks of life and just about every country in the world. She’d miss Chinatown and getting chow mein and eating it on the wharf. She’d miss the bark of the sea lions and the scream of the gulls. But not today. Today she had a clear blue sky, clean air, and enough open space that she felt like spreading her arms wide and just taking it all in.
The mountains stood tall and foreboding. They made her think the land had risen up and warned, Stay back, like the walls she’d erected around herself.
She shifted on the bench seat and tried to avoid hitting the cuts on the backs of her legs. She hadn’t seen another car in more than twenty miles, and there was nothing out her window but the land. Strangely, she felt that for the first time in her life she could breathe. She wanted to open the window and take in the cool mountain air. Justin slept quietly beside her, so she kept the window closed and the cold out. She thought about waking him before they reached the ranch. He’d love the meadow and tall mountains. She decided to let him rest. He’d earned it.
A hawk lifted off from the trees in the distance, soaring higher and higher into the air, a graceful flight that left her feeling sad. She wondered if she’d ever have that kind of feeling of soaring, flying, freedom.
The only feelings she could remember were fear and desperation. A constant in her life for so long, in the end she’d simply turned everything off inside herself. Each day was survival. Each day was work to earn enough money to feed herself and Justin. Each day was hoping for something, anything, that would whisk her away from the life she’d been living. That day had finally come.
All it took was a gun and a fall from a second-story window.
She hoped today would be the start of her new life after the fall. After the death of that life.
She pulled on her father’s old quilted flannel jacket she’d had to bring with her for the cold weather. It wasn’t adequate to keep the bite of the wind away, but it was all she’d been able to find among their meager belongings that would provide any kind of warmth. She hated wearing his things, because of the gruesome memories the smell and sight pulled from her mind. Cigarettes, pot, sweat, stale beer, and whiskey scents clung to the jacket and made her want to gag. She swallowed hard, holding back the bile rising in her throat. No amount of washing would ever eradicate those smells from the material. But she’d had no choice. Her limited wardrobe consisted mostly of jeans, T-shirts, and a couple of hoodies. Her meager funds weren’t enough for the trip, food, and a new coat.
She looked back up at the towering mountains and felt their isolation to her soul.
“You can’t sit here all day. You’ve come this far. Get your ass moving.”
She wondered what her pride was going to taste like. In order to make this work, she’d have to swallow a lot of it. She was willing to gorge on it for Justin’s sake. He was the only reason she’d accepted her grandfather’s invitation to come live at his ranch. No way Justin stayed in foster care. No way they’d send him to a stranger’s house alone, even if it was a relative. He deserved better than the life they’d been living. She’d make sure he got it.
She turned the key, and the engine came alive with a rumble. Pain shot up her arm, and she winced and breathed through it. Nothing else she could do. Pain had become her constant companion. Like every other day of her life, she wanted to be left alone. The pain didn’t care. It had settled into her bones and muscles for a long stay.
She checked the rearview before she pulled back onto the road. She caught sight of her gruesome appearance in the mirror and turned away quickly. She controlled her emotions and grabbed the sunglasses off the dash. She put them on to hide some of the damage, then tucked her long mane of blonde hair into the collar of the jacket and zipped it up. Not exactly her best look, but beggars couldn’t be choosers. The jacket covered the major portion of the damage done to her body, and the glasses hid part of her black-and-blue face, giving her a chance to conceal her expression when she met her grandfather. Cowardly, but she wasn’t strong enough right now to take any criticism or pity. Pity would be worse.