After a few moments, he said, "There's one thing you didn't mention at all." He paused. "Sex."
"Because we haven't had sex yet."
Brady raised both of his eyebrows. "You're serious."
"Last night we were like . . . this close, but Calder got sick and that was that."
"Then to be honest, I don't think you'll know if this is the real ‘love' deal until the sexing happens."
"Seriously? That's the last thing I expected you to list as criteria."
"Oh yeah? I'm shocked as hell that you haven't slept with her and yet you think you're falling for her. That is not you, Jensen."
"Maybe it's how I am now. I'm not the freakin' needy manwhore I used to be."
He faced me. "Hear me out before you get pissy and defensive. One thing I can tell you about being in love? Sex is a huge part of it. Huge. Because the sex is different. It's the ultimate manifestation of all the things you love about that person. It is a physical expression of more than just affection. It's important to a long-term relationship. And if you and Rowan reached that stage last night and her responsibilities to her son put a halt to everything, you have to ask yourself if it'll always be an issue. If her son's needs will always come before yours, no matter what."
After he said that, I felt a sense of relief. I'd been thinking the same thing, but Brady spelling it out for me so matter-of-factly made me feel less like my concern was coming from a pair of blue balls and resentment I hadn't wanted to admit. I hadn't been telling her what I thought she wanted to hear last night when I said I wasn't upset about us not doing the deed. Her kid was sick. The mood had been shattered. But that was last night. What if we were in the mood tonight? Could she let go with me if her son was in the next room?
"From a strictly logical point of view," Brady continued, "a spontaneous sexual relationship will be damn difficult with a kid around all the time. Especially when Calder's father isn't in the picture and he isn't away every other weekend for visitation, giving you and Rowan at least some alone time. You won't get that lust-filled stage, where you cannot keep your hands off each other and you go at it wherever the mood strikes you. No sex in the kitchen, or on the dining room table, or on the couch during the late news, or against the wall by the front door as the groceries are scattered at your feet, or on the floor in front of the fireplace. The only place you'll be safe having sex away from the kid is in the bedroom and maybe if you're lucky, the bathroom. Is that something you can live with? Not just for the short term, but for years?"
Whoa. While Brady had made several points I needed to think about without man-sex-guilt, his rather specific list of all the taboo places sex couldn't happen sounded like he'd been thinking about this long before I'd brought it up. I took another swig of beer. "As usual you're spot-on. But, dude, you asked me that like you were asking yourself. So what's the deal?"
Brady laughed. "Can't pull one over on you." He fiddled with his beer bottle. "Lennox wants to have a baby."
That explained it. "And?"
"And I love the life I have with her. I love that we can just go wherever the hell we want. I love that if I want to bang her in the breakfast nook because she looks so damn beautiful with the sun streaming through her hair, I can, and not have to worry that there's a baby in the high chair watching us across the table. Lennox is everything I ever wanted in a life partner. And I can't help but feel that I'm not enough for her, if she wants to have a baby."
"Have you told her any of this?"
He shook his head. "We've been married a couple of years, but it doesn't seem like I've had enough time with her. She had a super shitty childhood, her mom is a piece of work and Lennox never expressed a burning desire to have a baby. So I don't know if she wants this because Trinity is pregnant. So is her BFF Kiley. I have this . . . fear-probably an irrational one-that if we had a baby, we'd gain a family but I'd lose my wife. The way she is now. The way I love her now and I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that."
I whistled. "This is some heavy stuff."
"For both of us."
"Have you thought about talking to Dad?"
Brady looked at me oddly. "Dad? Seriously? You think he'll be honest about whether a kid ruins your sexual relationship with your wife while he's looking into the eyes of his oldest son?"
"Yeah, I think Dad will be honest with you. Even if it stings a little. Even if the ‘sex with Mom' portion of it makes you uncomfortable. Face it. He's an expert at being a great father, maintaining his place in the family business and sustaining a marriage for years-to a woman he's still crazy about-beyond the years they raised kids. I know we all assume Mom and Dad tell each other everything, but I know firsthand that's not true."