I knew it was time to stop wallowing in my mistake. When we were in college and I’d get depressed about something, Steven used to always say, “I need you to be a victor, not a victim.” I’d had a dream about him last night. He’d encouraged me to stop regretting and forgive myself. I’d woken up crying, but determined to heed his words.
I brushed my skirt down and continued saying what I had come to say. “Steven, I’m so sorry for the mess. I knew better. We knew better. I wish that I had never let you go, but I did and as much as I loved being with you that night, it should’ve never happened. Too many people were hurt behind our actions. Paula hates me. Greg is gone. For good, I’m thinking. And while I never wanted the marriage to turn out this way, it’s probably best. I was really scared that I might have lost Liz, but you know she’s my baby, so she’s coming around.” I inhaled, blew a ragged breath. This was getting harder as I went on. “Everyone misses you so much.” I didn’t realize I was crying until I saw the teardrops falling. “It’s so hard,” I said, kneeling down on his grave. “I don’t know how I’m going to heal.”
You’re a victor, not a victim.
“But I’m going to be fine because I’m a victor. Not a victim,” I repeated, raising my head. Even in his death, Steven had a way of giving me life. “So, I’m going to do like you said and stop regretting. Tomorrow will be a better day. I am going to live today, not yesterday. And I’m going to remember what you told me that semester I failed English Lit: ‘It doesn’t matter what you did, its what you will do.’ ” I smiled at that memory. Steven was talking about my grades then, but it definitely applied to my situation now.
I stood in silence for a minute, inhaling the brisk air, and feeling Steven’s presence surround me.
Finally, I said, “I just wanted to come see you. And say good-bye. I’m going to go. The girls will be home soon.” I placed my palm on his headstone. “Good-bye, Steven. I’ll love you forever and always.”
I thought about the last few months and what I could have done differently. I didn’t know how someone could stop beating herself up when she’d done something bad, but I knew I needed to figure it out. I needed to leave my guilt here with Steven.
I made my way back to my car and felt an odd sense of peace on the ride home. I turned on the gospel station and let Yolanda Adams fill my spirit. I felt freer than I had in a long time. But my new attitude was short-lived. When I turned on my street, I saw Paula parked in my driveway. I knew my good day had just come to an end.
58
Paula
I DEFINITELY HAD GROWN AS a person. Mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Because for the first time since I’d found out about my best friend’s betrayal, I didn’t have the urge to body-slam her.
“Hi, Paula,” she said tentatively, approaching me.
I was leaned up against my car in her driveway. Tahiry had told me she and Liz were at the mall and they’d left Felise here alone. I was surprised when I arrived and she was gone, but I forced myself to wait because I had no idea when I’d get up the nerve to come back.
I’d been waiting twenty minutes when Felise’s car turned onto her street. I know she was shocked to see me because she’d slowed down as she approached her driveway, as if she didn’t know whether to speed off or pull in.
“What’s up?” I replied.
I could tell she didn’t know what my reaction was going to be because she kept her distance.
She stood there awkwardly. “I don’t think Tahiry is here,” she informed me.
“I know where my child is,” I said. “I didn’t come to see her. I came to see you.”
She shifted uncomfortably. “Um, well, do you want to come in?”
I debated whether I should go inside. She was looking like she hoped that I would say no. I decided to do the opposite. “Yes, I want to talk to you.”
I took a deep breath and followed her inside. I had practiced this speech all the way over here. This wasn’t about Felise. This was about me. This was about remembering the good part of my life with Steven, then closing this chapter and moving on.
“I just want to know how you could do it,” I said once we were in her living room.
She didn’t hesitate. “I don’t have an excuse.”
“That’s not good enough,” I replied.
I could see pain in her eyes. The old me would’ve known this was hurting her, but after all we’d been through, I’d concluded that I didn’t know my friend at all.
“We go way back,” I went on, my voice not carrying as much anger as I had anticipated. “And out of everyone on this earth, you are the last person I would’ve ever expected to do something like this.”