What's Done In the Dark(8)

“So, where’s Steven?” she asked, looking around.

I shrugged. “Out with his friend.”

“Hmph. Kinda late to be out, huh?”

I didn’t want to get her started. I knew having my mom around didn’t help my marriage. She was always adding her two cents. But my mom had been dependent on my dad, and when he died two years ago, she was beside herself. My sister, Charlene, lived in New York, so my mother was all alone. She had come here from my childhood home in DC and, well, just never left. I knew Steven hadn’t really been feeling the idea, but he’d gone along with it for my sake.

“Are you guys okay?” my mom asked pointedly.

I don’t know why, but that actually opened up the dam and I felt tears gushing out.

“Oh, no, baby,” my mom said, coming to my side. “What’s going on?” She rubbed my back. “Why are you crying? Did Steven do something to you?”

I shook my head as I tried to compose myself. “No. I’m . . . I’m just so miserable, and I told Steven tonight I want a divorce.”

My mom leaned back like I’d just delivered the most awful news ever. “And why would you do a fool thing like that?”

“I’m just so unhappy,” I confessed.

“Unhappy? That man gives you a good life.”

“Yes, he provides this big ol’ house for me,” I said, motioning around our six-thousand-square-foot home, “but Steven and I act like bickering roommates. We have no passion. I want to feel some sparks.”

My mother didn’t bother to hide her disgust as she stood and went back to her seat. “Girl, this ain’t some kind of romance novel. Love don’t pay the bills.”

I sighed. “You loved Daddy.”

“Not at first,” she admitted. “Shoot, I was trying to get out of Arkansas and your daddy offered me a ticket out. He had a good job with the railroad, and he loved me more than I loved him.” She wagged a finger at me. “That’s the key. You always got to find a man that loves you more. That’s the man you need to be with.”

I let out a long sigh as I wiped my tears. “It’s not only that, Mama. This being nothing but a mother wasn’t my dream. I love my kids, but there’s more to me than this.”

She continued shaking her head. “Hmph, well, you better take up knitting or find you some kind of hobby.”

“What about my dreams? Do my dreams fall by the wayside because I have kids?” I snapped.

“Yes,” she said matter-of-factly. “If you talking about that actress crap, you got to grow up. That ship has sailed. You got a family now. That’s your priority. And you going and tellin’ your man you want a divorce. How are you gonna take care of your kids?”

I hadn’t thought about all of that. I was just mad and mouthing off because he was out kickin’ it while I was stuck in the house—again. I guess I didn’t really want a divorce. I just wanted something different. I wanted to be happy.

My mom patted my leg. “Maybe you need to start having some more Paula time. Go out with Felise. Shoot, go out with your husband. You’re the one who thinks you have to be stuck in the house all the time. It’s like you like wallowing in self-pity. I’m tellin’ you, you’d better get it together before Jody’s got your girl and gone.”

“What?” I said, looking at her confused.

She continued wagging a finger in my direction. “While you saying, ‘Scat, scat,’ someone else is ’round the corner sayin’, ‘Here, kitty-kitty.’ ”

I couldn’t help but smile at my mom’s cornball country sayings. “I have no idea what that means.”

She sighed like she had to break something down to me. “You’re not going to know how good you got it till you ain’t got it no more. You gonna look up and some other woman is gonna have your man.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Nah, I know Steven. He’s a lot of things, but he wouldn’t cheat on me.”

My mother narrowed her eyes. “I told you. Never say what somebody wouldn’t do.”

“Well, I trust my husband,” I said pointedly.

“Okay, but just know, you walk around here in a constant funk, mad at the world, taking it out on your kids and husband. Someone wants to deal with that for only so long. It’s no wonder Steven is never here. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to lay with you and your funky attitude either.”

I was shocked. “Whose side are you on anyway?”

“I’m always on your side, but I’m on the side of righteousness first.” She threw her hands up. “Hallelujah.” I pointed to her bingo stamp on her hand. She licked her thumb, then wiped it off. “I’m just saying, Mama knows best. And you best get it together. Talk to your husband. Tell him your concerns. Maybe you guys can find something you enjoy—besides running all over the country starring in one of those chitlin circuit plays. But you need to find something outside of the home that brings you joy. I guarantee you that man will do whatever it takes to make you happy. And once you find that, give as much to your husband as you give to your kids. Everyday life is terrible for love. Love needs time, and time is the air love breathes, and people have no time.”