What's Done In the Dark(74)

“Do you think I’m to blame?”

“Why would you think you’re to blame?” my mom said.

“You told me I was going to drive my husband into the arms of another woman. Did I push and nag until he fell into my best friend’s arms?”

She let out a long sigh. “Well, you know, if we’re placing blame, then I’m as much to blame as you. I pushed you two into getting married. I worried so much about what folks would say about my daughter getting pregnant out of wedlock. But if I was being honest, you two didn’t love each other. Not like a husband and wife should. And when you told me how close he was to Felise, my gut didn’t feel right. But, that said, he was a good man and I wanted my granddaughter to come into this world in a proper fashion. I knew the day he proposed you didn’t want to marry him, but I knew if I pushed the right guilt buttons, you’d do the right thing. And you did, but you haven’t been truly happy. You tried, but you couldn’t. Your children are a blessing from God, but the timing wasn’t right, and if I could go back, I wouldn’t force you to marry a man you didn’t really love.”

“But I did love Steven.”

“We loved everything Steven represented—smart, successful, handsome, mannerable, from a good family. In the end, that blinded us both. Yes, you learned to love him. You did. You tried everything to be a good wife. But your heart wasn’t really there. So if you want to blame anyone, it can go all the way around. Me, you, Steven, and Felise.” She could tell I was getting outraged, and she continued on another track. “Still, the bulk of the blame lies on them. If the two of them had feelings back in the day, when they made the decision to bury their feelings, they should’ve kept them buried forever and always. If the Lord had meant for them to be together, they would’ve been together. And even if they couldn’t walk away from their own lust, they should’ve respected you enough to walk away from each other.” She lifted my chin and looked into my glistening eyes. “So you stop beating yourself up, because at the end of the day, the biggest blame goes to the two of them. The two of them were as wrong as Bobby and Whitney. You and Steven were together a long time. Felise and Steven are to blame for what they did. No one else. If they’ve been suppressing those feelings this long, they could’ve kept right on suppressing them.”

Her down-to-earth logic made me half smile. “Mama, I love you.”

“I love you, too, baby. And don’t you dare beat yourself up. You loved that man as best you could, and when all is said and done, whatever decision he made is on him. I’m sure he’s up there now explaining to God why he did what he did.”

“Or Satan,” I grumbled.

“Hush that talk,” my mom said. “It’s a good thing we serve a forgiving God. Don’t you want to see him again?”

“Yeah, because I need to give him a piece of my mind.”

“And ain’t you going to Heaven?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you’ll see him there, and I’m sure God will give you a pass to smack Steven upside his head.”

I forced a small smile, but it quickly faded. “I’m never going to forget what Felise did.”

“And that’s understandable. You don’t have to forget. Just at some point, you gotta forgive. If for no other reason than hate doesn’t need to reside in your heart.”

I wiped the slow tear that was rolling its way down my cheek. “I can’t believe they got together. I’ve been sitting here all night, tossing and turning, wondering how long they were having an affair, how did it happen. How could they both just keep smiling in my face while stabbing me in my back? I just can’t believe this.”

“Well, the only way you’re going to get answers is to talk to her,” my mom said matter-of-factly.

“Never! I’m never speaking to her again.”

“Honey, you’ve been through a lot. Ask Felise what you want to know. Vent, yell, cuss her out, whatever you gotta do. Just don’t keep it bottled up. If you’re bent on holding grudges, you may become so wrapped up in past wrongs that you can’t enjoy the present. If you don’t get past some of the wounds of the past, you tend to bring them into everything else you pursue.”

“That’s easier said than done,” I said with a scowl.

My mom didn’t let my attitude dissuade her. “But it is doable. Nobody is saying forget. You’ve got to understand that forgiveness also doesn’t justify or excuse what the other person did. It just helps you gain a sense of peace.”