“There’s a part of me that thinks I should keep digging,” I told Felise.
“Digging for what?” Felise asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know—answers?”
Felise lightly pointed at the paper. “But you have your answers right there, sweetie.”
That caused the tears to start up. “I know. I just want my husband,” I said, breaking down in tears again. “Do you know he had a doctor’s appointment?” I finally managed to say. “He had a doctor’s appointment a month ago, and he cancelled it for work. I was having a really bad day with the kids and blew him off. I didn’t make him go. I should’ve made him go,” I cried, burying my face in my hands.
“Come on, you’ve got to stop beating yourself up,” Felise said, wrapping me in a big bear hug. “You can never let Steven’s memory go, but you’ve got to let this uncertainty go.”
She let me cry for a few minutes. After I was all cried out, I pulled myself up. “Do you think I should keep digging?” I asked. I trusted my best friend. She would be straight with me. “Or do you think my guilt isn’t allowing me to let this go?”
Felise looked uneasy for a moment but then forced a smile. “No, I think what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. You lost the love of your life. But I know one thing: Steven would not want you wallowing in this sea of worry.”
I let out a long sigh. I was so glad I had Felise here because I had been ready to go storm the Four Seasons again to get to the bottom of what happened that night.
I sniffed and wiped my face. I felt a wave of exhaustion come over me. “I know you’re right. It’s just so hard.”
Felise took the official report and my Bible off the table, and slid the piece of paper inside it. “Right now you stay focused on being the best mom for those children and know that Steven is right there for you.”
“Thank you so much,” I told her. I gave her a huge hug again, and watched as my sister rolled her eyes and walked out the room.
32
Paula
“HEY, MOM. DO YOU LIKE my hair?”
I was delighted by my daughter’s straight, flat-ironed hair. It looked really cute on her. I was raising a little beauty. As I’d been doing so often these days, I noticed how much like her father she looked. It brought a pang to my heart.
Tahiry stood next to Felise and Liz. They’d been out all day, and the sad part was I hadn’t even realized it.
“Yes, your hair looks good,” I said, running my fingers through her silky strands.
“Nana let me get a keratin treatment,” Tahiry said, smiling at Felise.
“Don’t worry,” Felise put in. “It’s all nonchemical.”
I had never put chemicals in Tahiry’s hair, even though she’d been begging for a perm since she was eleven, so I was glad Felise thought enough to take that into consideration.
“Come on, Liz, I want to show you something.” Tahiry grabbed Liz’s hand and dragged her up the stairs. “Thanks again, Nana!” she called out to Felise as they pounded up the steps like twin elephants.
“I hope you don’t mind, I took her to Smashburger on the way home,” Felise replied.
I shook my head. “She loves that place. She would eat there twenty-four seven if she could.” I motioned for Felise to follow me into the living room. “I can’t thank you enough for taking her to get her hair done,” I said as I settled down on the sofa. “It’s like I’ve been neglecting everything and everybody.” I’d been really trying to spend more time with Tahiry, with all the kids for that matter. But it felt like I couldn’t give my all to anything until I had some answers.
She sat in the love seat across from me. “That’s understandable. Where are the boys?”
“They’re with Steven’s cousin Rodney. He’s going to keep them for a little while, thank goodness. He took them to the park, I think he said. I needed some peace and quiet.”
I was about to say something else when my cell phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number and almost didn’t answer because I couldn’t deal with any more calls of condolence, but I went ahead and pushed Answer.
“Hi, may I speak to Paula Wright?” a lady on the other end said.
“This is she.”
The woman didn’t go on.
“This is Paula,” I repeated.
“I really shouldn’t be calling you because I could get in so much trouble,” she began.
“Who is this?”
“This is Lori. I’m the clerk that was working the front desk when you came to the Four Seasons the other day. My manager was trying to help you get some information about your husband.”