What He Reveals
Regret.
It pushed forward like a dark wave, threatening to overtake the carefully constructed wall that surrounded me.
As soon as I saw the look on Charlotte’s face, as soon as I saw the hurt in her eyes, I wanted to take back what I’d done. I wanted to take back ripping our contract up in a fit of anger and hurt that was more befitting of a wounded boy than a grown man. But of course taking it back was impossible.
Regret was not an emotion I was familiar with -- I’d found it served no purpose. Once something was done, there was nothing you could do to change it. Regret and disappointment did nothing other than make you feel badly about yourself, make you second guess every choice you’d made, cause you to wonder if perhaps you were damaged or defective in some way in order to have done whatever the thing was you regretted.
I had enough self-loathing inside of me to last a lifetime.
I didn’t need to pile on more.
However, for the briefest of moments after Charlotte walked away, I allowed myself to feel the disappointment that washed over me. Although perhaps allowed wasn’t the right word – I was powerless to stop it.
Why had I done that?
Because you wanted to hurt her.
Why would I want to hurt her?
Because she hurt you by not trusting you.
It was shameful, to lash out the way I had, to hurt the woman I was falling in love with. I’d acted like a spoiled child.
And when she turned and ran out of the room, my heart split in two. It was a feeling so deep and profound, I’d almost forgotten I could feel anything that was so immediate, so real.
I called after her.
But she didn’t respond.
She kept moving, out the door and into the club.
“Shit,” I swore.
I went after her.
But the slave auction was starting, and the men in the club were getting riled up, waving money in the air, yelling out bids. The music pulsed and the lights swung over the crowd, flashing rhythmically, making it almost impossible to see anything.
I caught a glimpse of her long dark hair, and I called her name again, but either she didn’t hear me or she didn’t care. And then she was swallowed up in the crowd, disappearing into a throng of sweat and masks and desire.
I became almost crazed at the thought of her being alone in this place, this place I’d brought her even though I knew it wasn’t good for her. She wasn’t ready. I’d done it just to prove a point, to show her I was in control, that if she thought she was going to be able to hide something from me, she was wrong.
My pride and my demons had put her at risk.
If anything were to happen to her, I would never forgive myself.
I would find her.
I would make sure she was safe and get her out of here.
And then I would stay away from her.
I was too damaged.
And if she stayed with me, she was going to get hurt.
My heart ripped again at the thought of not having her, of not talking to her, holding her, dominating her, loving her. But I reached deep into myself and stitched it back together.
The only thing worse than losing her was destroying her.
And if I stayed with her, that’s exactly what I would do.
CHARLOTTE
My screams echoed through the room before bouncing off the cements walls and coming back to me, almost like a boomerang. Through the light that was filtering through the open door, I could see a dirty light bulb hanging from the ceiling.
It felt like a tomb.
The man who’d opened the door -- Audi James -- stepped inside and shut the door behind him.
The room was thrown back into darkness, and I struggled to my knees, trying to stand up. It was hard to do while being handcuffed. The metal bit into my wrists and threw me off balance, making it impossible to stand. Not that it really mattered. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do even if I somehow could stand up – I was handcuffed, and even if I wasn’t, Audi James was twice my size. I had no weapon, no escape route, no way to protect myself. I had no idea where my cell phone was – it had been lost somewhere while those men had been carrying me here. I didn’t remember if I’d dropped it, or if they’d taken it from me.
“Just relax,” Audi said soothingly. The light clicked on overhead. “You don’t have to be scared. This is going to be just as you imagined it would be.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was obviously mad.
I took in a shaking breath and tried to calm myself. It was apparent my screaming wasn’t going to help anything – this place was a complete maze, and I’d heard people screaming and begging as I’d moved through it. More screams weren’t going to alert anyone that I needed help. No, I needed to save my strength, and think about what I could do to get out of this mess.
Audi James crossed the room and placed the metal thing he’d been holding down on a dirty footstool that was sitting in the corner.
It pushed forward like a dark wave, threatening to overtake the carefully constructed wall that surrounded me.
As soon as I saw the look on Charlotte’s face, as soon as I saw the hurt in her eyes, I wanted to take back what I’d done. I wanted to take back ripping our contract up in a fit of anger and hurt that was more befitting of a wounded boy than a grown man. But of course taking it back was impossible.
Regret was not an emotion I was familiar with -- I’d found it served no purpose. Once something was done, there was nothing you could do to change it. Regret and disappointment did nothing other than make you feel badly about yourself, make you second guess every choice you’d made, cause you to wonder if perhaps you were damaged or defective in some way in order to have done whatever the thing was you regretted.
I had enough self-loathing inside of me to last a lifetime.
I didn’t need to pile on more.
However, for the briefest of moments after Charlotte walked away, I allowed myself to feel the disappointment that washed over me. Although perhaps allowed wasn’t the right word – I was powerless to stop it.
Why had I done that?
Because you wanted to hurt her.
Why would I want to hurt her?
Because she hurt you by not trusting you.
It was shameful, to lash out the way I had, to hurt the woman I was falling in love with. I’d acted like a spoiled child.
And when she turned and ran out of the room, my heart split in two. It was a feeling so deep and profound, I’d almost forgotten I could feel anything that was so immediate, so real.
I called after her.
But she didn’t respond.
She kept moving, out the door and into the club.
“Shit,” I swore.
I went after her.
But the slave auction was starting, and the men in the club were getting riled up, waving money in the air, yelling out bids. The music pulsed and the lights swung over the crowd, flashing rhythmically, making it almost impossible to see anything.
I caught a glimpse of her long dark hair, and I called her name again, but either she didn’t hear me or she didn’t care. And then she was swallowed up in the crowd, disappearing into a throng of sweat and masks and desire.
I became almost crazed at the thought of her being alone in this place, this place I’d brought her even though I knew it wasn’t good for her. She wasn’t ready. I’d done it just to prove a point, to show her I was in control, that if she thought she was going to be able to hide something from me, she was wrong.
My pride and my demons had put her at risk.
If anything were to happen to her, I would never forgive myself.
I would find her.
I would make sure she was safe and get her out of here.
And then I would stay away from her.
I was too damaged.
And if she stayed with me, she was going to get hurt.
My heart ripped again at the thought of not having her, of not talking to her, holding her, dominating her, loving her. But I reached deep into myself and stitched it back together.
The only thing worse than losing her was destroying her.
And if I stayed with her, that’s exactly what I would do.
CHARLOTTE
My screams echoed through the room before bouncing off the cements walls and coming back to me, almost like a boomerang. Through the light that was filtering through the open door, I could see a dirty light bulb hanging from the ceiling.
It felt like a tomb.
The man who’d opened the door -- Audi James -- stepped inside and shut the door behind him.
The room was thrown back into darkness, and I struggled to my knees, trying to stand up. It was hard to do while being handcuffed. The metal bit into my wrists and threw me off balance, making it impossible to stand. Not that it really mattered. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do even if I somehow could stand up – I was handcuffed, and even if I wasn’t, Audi James was twice my size. I had no weapon, no escape route, no way to protect myself. I had no idea where my cell phone was – it had been lost somewhere while those men had been carrying me here. I didn’t remember if I’d dropped it, or if they’d taken it from me.
“Just relax,” Audi said soothingly. The light clicked on overhead. “You don’t have to be scared. This is going to be just as you imagined it would be.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was obviously mad.
I took in a shaking breath and tried to calm myself. It was apparent my screaming wasn’t going to help anything – this place was a complete maze, and I’d heard people screaming and begging as I’d moved through it. More screams weren’t going to alert anyone that I needed help. No, I needed to save my strength, and think about what I could do to get out of this mess.
Audi James crossed the room and placed the metal thing he’d been holding down on a dirty footstool that was sitting in the corner.