It seemed as though the sheets floating around us prevented true reality from invading the night, like we existed in a different universe altogether. There was no Cameron, no marriage, no age difference that had once seemed like such a barrier. In that fort, under the thin, sloping sheets, we were Reese and Charlie. We were together. We were happy.
I only hoped we could stay that way.
Charlie
I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep until I woke to the soft, beautiful sound of Reese playing the piano.
My eyes fluttered open slowly, the dimly lit sheets coming into view first. It was still dark, the only light coming from a candle lit on the table outside the fort. I traced the slope of the sheets with heavy eyes, watching the candlelight flicker as I stretched my arms up over my head and pointed my toes.
Every muscle ached in the best way, in a way they hadn't ached in so long I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like. I could still feel his hands on me as I laid there listening to him play.
I should have felt guilty.
That thought assaulted me out of nowhere, and I did a pulse check, trying to find that guilt that I'd felt so easily the first night we had kissed. I pressed a hand to my chest, but there was no weight there. I closed my eyes again, searching for that sinking gut feeling, for the dread of what I'd done - but it was nonexistent.
It was like I'd been swimming upstream for years and years, exhausting myself, and finally I'd let go and floated where the river wanted to take me. I didn't feel guilty or sad or angry with myself.
I felt relieved.
Happiness surrounded me in that little fort of sheets, so similar to ones I'd built in my youth. Maybe that was part of it. I couldn't be sure. All I did know is that the small ounce of guilt I did feel was only there because I didn't feel guilty over what I'd done. It was a forced feeling, one that was born out of obligation rather than actual, organic existence.
Still, guilt-ridden or not, I'd made a choice that would change everything about my life.
And I knew, in the back of my mind, that I'd hurt Cameron. That killed me more than I could admit to myself in that moment - that sated moment in the house of another man. Maybe I wasn't in love with Cameron any longer, but that didn't mean I didn't love him, and it didn't mean I ever wanted to hurt him.
Somewhere along the way, we'd been broken down. I'd thought for years that we'd come back from it, that our love was strong enough to survive, but it wasn't. And I didn't want to live an unhappy life any longer trying to make something work that wouldn't.
I picked up the quilt Reese had placed over me and tucked it around my shoulders, padding my way into the room where his baby grand piano was. He wore only a loose pair of sweat pants that hugged his hips, and I watched the muscles in his back ebb and flow with every sweep of his fingers over the ebony and ivory keys. The melody was one I'd never heard before, a sweet and passionate one with just a hint of sadness. He finished a dramatic crescendo as I entered the room, and he slowed the keys again at the sight of me, picking up the sweet, light and airy notes from before.
///
The lid was already down, which I knew had probably been done on purpose just in case I joined him. I used the bench to climb up on top, sitting with my legs crossed and blanket wrapped all the way around me as I watched him play. His eyes were on his hands mostly, but every now and then they'd trail their way up my bare leg that was exposed by the blanket, lock on my eyes, and hold my gaze before they'd find their way back down to the piano.
Time slipped away like a silk thread through the eye of a needle as Reese played, one song drifting easily into another. I watched his arms, his fingers, sometimes letting myself focus on the crease between his brows. Every note seemed to pain him in a way, like he had to peel away a layer of skin each time he discovered a new string of chords that fit perfectly together. I loved how he gave himself to his music, how he felt it from the inside out.
He was beautiful.
After a while, his fingers stilled, and an overwhelming silence fell over us. Reese eyed me for a moment before he reached up for my hips, sliding me over until I was dead center in front of him. With his arms around me, he bent forward, his head to my chest, and I held him there.
So many questions existed between us in that moment, but he only asked one.
"Why did you come tonight?"
I blew out a long, pensive breath, debating how to answer that question. There was more than one answer, or rather, one long, tangled web of answers that somehow made one full picture. It hadn't just been one reason, and the pieces on their own wouldn't have made sense.
"Jeremiah's house burned down this week."
Reese stilled in my arms, and he pulled back enough to lift his eyes to mine. "Oh, Charlie. I'm so sorry. Is he okay?"
Already, my heart ached at how he reacted to the news. It was such a contrast to Cameron.
"He's hurting," I said honestly, lacing my arms around Reese's neck. "So is his family. And I didn't take the news well. Jeremiah was just so sad all day, you know? He wasn't himself. And then when his mom told me what happened, I just felt helpless. He might not be able to come back to Westchester."
Reese's brows bent together, but he simply rubbed my lower back, encouraging me to keep talking. He was listening intently, hanging on my ever word.
"I just … I freaked out, Reese. I called Cameron and begged him to come home." Reese's jaw ticked a little at that. "He was already there, thank God, and I just ran to him. I needed him. And I know that's hard for you to hear, but he's been my partner for ten years. I needed him in that moment."
"No, it's okay. I understand."
"But the thing is," I said quickly, catching his eyes with mine. "Cameron was there. Physically. But he wasn't there in the way that counted most. He said I was acting crazy, and he kept reminding me that Jeremiah wasn't our son, and that it wasn't my job to fix any of it."
Reese's expression hardened. "It doesn't matter if he's your son, he's important to you. And you care about him. And you treat all your kids in your class as if they were your own. It's who you are, it's how your heart works."
I sniffed, my eyes blurring a little.
He gets it.
Just hearing those words out of his mouth assured me that I'd made the right choice coming to him, that it wasn't some fantasy all in my head. Reese Walker understood me - maybe more than I understood myself. And he loved me.
How long had I yearned to be loved and understood?
"Cameron said he knew how to fix it all," I said after a moment. "And his solution? To buy me another bird."
"No … "
I nodded.
"Edward just died," he pointed out. "And anyway, what does a new bird have to do with Jeremiah? Yes, it might have been a distraction, but it's not a solution to what's hurting you."
"I know. It's how he shows his love," I tried, defending Cameron. "Or at least, how he tries to. He doesn't understand, you know? He doesn't get where my hurt is coming from. So he just thinks about what he can control, what he can do. And he can buy me a bird."
Reese just shook his head. "I'm sorry."
"It seems silly, now that I think about it, that this was my breaking point. But I was just sitting there in his arms, not feeling comforted at all, only feeling crazy and like I couldn't be myself with him anymore. And when he suggested buying a new bird, I just … Reese, I snapped. Maybe I was a little crazy in that moment."
I paused, a chill sweeping through me.
///
"Everything has just been compiling, you know? For so long. And I've tried to convince myself I was fine, tried to tell myself that I was happy and okay. Every couple has their problems, right?" A soft, sad laugh left my lips as I dropped my gaze to Reese's chest. "It's hard to admit you've failed, especially at a marriage. But I have. And so has he. We have." My eyes found his again. "But I didn't come to you because he failed me."
Reese searched my eyes, and his next words were barely a whisper. "Then why?"
"It's hard to explain … "
"Try."
I brought one thumb to my mouth, slipping the nail between my teeth as I combed through my mind for the right words.
"I didn't come to you because it made sense, or because it was the right thing to do. I didn't come because it was easy. That's just it - me being here, us being together, it's going to be everything but easy. It will be messy and hard, and it will hurt," I admitted. "But, the simple truth is that I can't not be with you anymore. I came to you because you made me forget I have a choice. I came to you because it's always been you, Reese. Even when you were gone, even when there was Cameron. When you came back, I felt it. And I know you did, too." I shrugged, eyes watering again. "If I am a river, you are the ocean. It all comes back to you in the end."