"Dance with me?" Jennifer asked, but she was already tugging on my arm before I could answer.
I followed her a moment, the song still assaulting my senses, but before we could reach the floor, I came to a halt.
"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head and pinching the bridge of my nose. "I just … I have a bit of a headache."
Jennifer's eyes bounced between mine, the sultry smile on her lips never wavering. "Maybe dancing will help."
I wanted air.
I needed out.
But just as I opened my mouth to tell Jennifer that, Charlie walked by behind her.
Cameron held her hand in his.
She glanced briefly at me before her eyes flicked to Jennifer, and her cheeks shaded just a tinge of pink. Neither look lasted longer than a split second, but I'd felt each of them like the slow, burning singe of a branding iron.
Cameron pulled her to the far-left side of the dance floor, wrapping her in his arms as they began to sway to the music. She looked up at him like that dance was everything she'd ever waited for, and he looked down at her with what I saw as a patronizing smile. Maybe it was sincere, but it didn't look that way from where I stood.
Maybe I was tainted by the rumors I'd heard, or by my love for Charlie that still burned bright behind my eyelids - the same ones blinding me with memories of my family at the current moment. Either way, one thing was sure.
I hated him.
"You know," I finally said to Jennifer, covering her hand around my bicep with my own. "Maybe you're right. Let's give it a try."
A wide smile split her face. "Excellent."
I wanted to blame the song for making me crazy enough to pull Jennifer into my arms right next to Charlie and Cameron. I smiled at both of them, earning me a timid return smile and a swallow from Charlie, and only a nod of acknowledgement from Cameron.
Jennifer fit nicely in my arms, her chest pressed against me as we moved in time with the music. I tried to keep space between us, especially because it was easier to dance with her that way, but she was hell bent on sealing us like a seam from hip to chest.
She wasn't subtle about what she wanted, and on any other night, with any other song, she likely would have gotten it.
But I was dancing next to Charlie. To a song that reminded me of my family.
And with that realization, a flash of my mother crying on the day I graduated from Juilliard slapped me like a tree branch.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight, fumbling the steps of our dance a bit before I bounced back.
Jennifer just giggled, holding onto me tighter, and I forced a breath and a smile in return.
Charlie's eyes caught mine over Jennifer's shoulder.
She watched me like she knew what I wasn't telling anyone, like the song somehow showed her the same things it showed me. Her brows bent together, her lips parting, but I tore my gaze away and back to Jennifer.
"Ready for a spin?" I asked, twirling her out before she could reply.
Her hands wrapped low around my waist on her return, her laugh soft and melodic, hair swinging over one shoulder. She wet her lips, finding the timing of our steps again. "That was smooth. I'm so glad we met tonight, Reese Walker."
///
"Likewise," I assured her, but the song was getting to me.
The more it played, the more I remembered how bored I'd been that evening. I was just sitting there, smoking inside my mom's house, knowing she'd hate it. I played that song just to pass the time, never knowing it would soon be branded in my brain forever - a constant memory, an imprint that would never let me forget.
I kept fumbling as I tried to dance, which earned me jokes about having already drank too much from Jennifer. I didn't have the energy to tell her I hadn't had a drop. And I realized quickly that I also didn't have the energy to keep trying to dance with her, not when my chest was splitting with an unhealable loss, not even when Charlie's attention had somehow shifted from Cameron to me.
"I'm sorry, Jennifer," I said when the song was nearly finished. "You'll have to excuse me. I need a bit of air."
She pouted, still gripping at my arms as I peeled her off me and made my way off the dance floor.
"I can come with you!" she called out, but I was already several feet away, and I didn't give her permission to follow.
I pulled at my tie as I weaved through the crowd, eyes set on the doors that led to the outdoor garden across the room. Gloria tried to get me to stop as I passed her, to speak with whomever it was she was talking to, but one look at my pale face must have clued her into the fact that I couldn't converse at the moment.
I kept pushing and weaving, the song growing louder and louder with every step even though I knew it was ending. When I finally pushed through the doors and the icy cold Pennsylvania air hit my face, I choked out an exhale, hands wrapping around the first railing I could reach.
It was freezing, the forecast calling for the possibility of sleet and snow that evening, and even though there were gas-heated lanterns littering the veranda, I was the only person outside.
I was thankful for that - for the silence.
Even with the cool whip of the wind, I was still too hot. I shrugged off my tuxedo jacket, tossing it over the railing before placing my hands on it again. I hung my head with the song still echoing inside it, trying desperately to pull my focus to my breaths.
In and out. In and out. Breathe, Reese. It's just a song.
I faintly heard the doors open behind me, the rambunctious laughter and a new song from inside filling the silent space on the veranda before it was muted again.
Charlie's shoulder brushed my arm as she slid up beside me. She was bundled in Cameron's gray tuxedo jacket, a shawl the same lavender color of her dress wrapped around her neck like a scarf. I swallowed at the feel of her near me, my entire body reacting to her presence like she was a warm sip of whiskey. My breaths evened out, the song finally fading from my mind, and I reveled in the silence it left behind.
"It's freezing out here," I said after a moment. "You should go back inside."
Please don't go back inside.
"I'm okay, needed a bit of fresh air," she lied. I knew it was a lie, because she was shivering already.
Charlie's hair was down and curled at the ends, her makeup done unlike I'd ever seen it done before. I wondered if she'd worn makeup like that on her wedding day, if she learned how to do it herself or if someone had done it for her. She didn't need makeup - not with the classic beauty she possessed naturally. But the way she'd lined her lids and darkened her lashes made her eyes pop even more against her fair skin as she glanced over at me.
"You okay?"
I nodded. "Yeah … yeah, I'm okay."
"I knew Jennifer was a lot to handle, but I've never seen her chase a guy away so fast before."
"Oh, she's a man eater, that one. I can tell," I said with a chuckle. My grip on the railing in front of us loosened, and I stretched my hands, the knuckles still white from holding on so tight. "She seems fine, though. Just caught me at a bad time."
Charlie swallowed, lifting her thumbnail to fit between her teeth. She kept her eyes focused in the darkness ahead of us. "She's a great girl. Beautiful. I met her at Garrick, but I think she's always gotten along with my parents more than me."
I couldn't help but notice the tinge of jealousy in Charlie's voice when she'd called Jennifer beautiful.
"I'll have to get to know her a little better."
Charlie smiled, but it wavered quickly. "You definitely should."
We were both quiet then, and Charlie cleared her throat after a moment, turning to face me. She leaned her hip against the railing just as another shiver shot through her.
///
"What happened in there?" she asked at the same time I said, "You should go get warm."
We smiled.
"I'm fine," she assured me, and she stepped a little closer, her eyes begging mine to find them. "Reese, what happened?"
For a moment, we were kids again. Charlie was my little sister's friend finding me sulking on the back porch, smoking a cigarette I'd snuck out to inhale. She was young and innocent, an easy person to lean on, to talk to, to let in. I was the fucked-up teenager, lost and confused, and she was the one person who somehow still saw some speck of good in me.
"Nothing, I just … my parents would have been here tonight, you know. If we still lived here, if we'd never moved to New York. They went to this thing every year … " I paused. "And that song … it was what I was playing on the piano in my parents' house in New York on that day."