What He Decides(4)
“You can’t even consider the fact that I might be able to handle something like this,” I said, fighting to stay calm.
“It’s not about you being able to handle anything, Charlotte.”
My hands balled into fists at my sides and my eyes filled with tears of frustration. The urge to scream at him slid through my body, to yell and freak out and tell him I had a voice in this relationship, too. He said he loved me, and yet he was still continuing to make all the decisions – I wasn’t allowed to have opinions on anything.
And the worst part about it was that the more I fought, the more I voiced my emotions, the more he thought I was incapable of dealing with tough situations.
“You cannot keep my safe all the time, Noah.”
“Don’t tell me what I can do, Charlotte.”
“Noah,” I said.
“Charlotte.”
“I have a say in this relationship, too. You can’t stifle my voice forever.”
“Is that what you think I’m doing, Charlotte?” He stood up and began pacing the room, his hands on his slim hips. “You have no idea what you’re dealing with. You have this idea that what, you’re going to parade around in the world with me? To what end? So some madman will start stalking you? And then what are you going to do, Charlotte? This isn’t a movie or a video game! God, Charlotte, you just …” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, his chest heaving with emotion. “You need to be smart about this.”
I laughed out loud, a brittle sound that echoed through the room. “I need to be smart about this, Noah? How can you ask me to do that when the logical and smart thing would be to stay away from you? I’m already in danger, Noah, just by being around you. I got a call from some psycho who sent me to Force so that your brother could pretend to slice me open and do God knows what else to me. Do you think that’s smart, Noah? Do you think that’s logical?” The words were tumbling out, coming so fast I was powerless to stop them. It was like a stitch had been holding my heart together until finally it couldn’t take the pressure any longer and it split open, sending my blood spilling across the office along with my words.
My frustration with the situation tangled with the way I felt about him, with how he could effect me like no man ever had, how he could play my body and my mind with his hands and his words, and it made no sense but it made me feel reckless and out of control. It felt good to finally push him, to finally tell him exactly how I felt. And yet as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back.
Noah looked like he’d been slapped. His cheeks darkened, his face turning from a mask of determination to one of confusion and horror.
“I’ve…” he trailed off. “You’re right. I’ve put you in danger, Charlotte.”
I felt where the conversation was going, and I took in a breath, trying to keep a hold of myself, but it was too late. I’d given the boulder a tiny push down the hill, and now there was no way to stop it.
“Noah,” I said. “Please…” Emotion clouded my voice, thick and heavy, feeling like it was going to choke me with its intensity.
He stood up and walked around his desk, stood me up out of my chair and pulled me close. I rested my head against his chest, listening to the familiar beat of his heart, slow and steady. How could he say he loved me and then be so willing to just throw me aside like he was about to? I could feel it starting in him, feel it in the way he was holding me.
He lowered his head to kiss me, but I pushed him away.
“Don’t.” I turned my head, then took a step back and forced myself to look at him. “Say it.”
“What?” He frowned, confused.
“Go ahead. I want to hear you say it.”
“Say what?”
“That you’re too dangerous for me, that I need to stay away from you, that you can’t do this anymore.” I raised my chin in the air. “Go ahead, Noah. I want to hear you say it.”
He opened his mouth, that familiar look of determination overtaking his face. But then he averted his eyes.
I shook my head. “Coward,” I spit. “You’re too afraid to let me in, too afraid to admit to yourself that this might be real, that you might have finally found something you have no control over. Well, congratulations, Noah. You got what you wanted. You can have your control back.”
I walked out of his office.
I didn’t look back.
He didn’t try to stop me.
He didn’t call my name.
He didn’t come after me.
I held it together until I got into the elevator.
And then I collapsed onto the floor, shattered.