“I’m fine.” I swallowed, trying to control the lust that was roaring through my body. “I was at a hotel.”
“You cannot do that again.”
“I can’t do what again?”
“Not answer my phone calls, ignore my texts. I need to know where you are at all times. I need to know you’re safe.”
“No.”
“No?” His voice was laced with anger now. But I wasn’t going to back down. I was done playing these fucked up games, these power moves that caused him to shut down and push me away before showing back up again, insisting I bow to his every demand.
“No, you can’t know where I am at every moment.”
He pulled me closer, lacing his fingers with mine, as if keeping his grip on me physically was going to ensure that he got his way.
“Yes, I can, Charlotte.”
“No, Noah, you can’t.” I shook my head softly. “You can’t be in control of everything, Noah. You can’t just throw me out of your office the way you did last night and then show up here this morning, expecting that I’m going to just roll over and thank my lucky stars that now you want something to do with me. I have a voice, too, Noah.”
“I didn’t throw you out of my office. You left. And besides, I know what’s best for you.”
“No, you don’t.”
His jaw tightened. “Stop saying no to me.” He lowered his head and kissed me then, his mouth crashing into mine. My knees went weak and my stomach flipped and I felt myself getting pulled under by the Noah current, felt myself drowning as his tongue found mine.
His fingers tangled in my hair before roaming over the curve of my hips.
“I should punish you like you’ve never been punished before,” he said, his hand cupping my ass. “I should spank you until you can’t even sit down without being reminded of the pain you put me through.” His voice was filled with anguish. “Charlotte, you can’t do that to me again,” he breathed. “I was so worried, I thought -- ”
His voice trailed off, and I knew what he’d been about to say. He thought I’d ended up like Nora, like Dani, like Katie, strangled and left in a ditch somewhere. I remembered the pictures I’d seen, the ones of Dani, her face blue, her eyes blank and unfocused. I felt bad for making Noah worry, I did, especially after all he’d been through.
“Noah,” I said. “I’m sorry if I made you worry. I am. But this isn’t… I don’t know if I can do this anymore. It shouldn’t be so hard.”
“Charlotte,” he whispered, rubbing the pad of his thumb over my cheek, tracing my jaw, moving over my bottom lip. “Please. I can’t stay away from you. I need to keep you safe.”
“But that’s… it’s not realistic.”
He licked his bottom lip, his breath coming in short gasps. He moved away from me and turned to look out the window, his hands balling into fists.
“What is it?” I asked. “What are you thinking?”
“That I want to punish you.” I could hear the struggle in his voice. “For making me worry. I want to spank you and fuck you. Hard. I want to make you mine. And then I want to take you home with me and not let you leave my apartment. Ever.” He turned back toward me, his eyes dark and haunted. “I can’t lose you, Charlotte.”
“You say that,” I said softly. “But every time you get scared, even for a second, you push me away. You tore up our contract, Noah. You left me in your hotel room. You sent me back my things. Last night you ran me out of your office. It’s not…” I took in a deep breath. “It’s not fair.”
“Charlotte,” he said. “I’m doing the best I can.”
“And so am I. You want someone who’s going to surrender to you completely. And I just… I don’t know if I can do that.” My words were getting tangled around my tongue as panic pounded through me. Stop! my heart screamed. Please, stop! You want him, you need him, you’re talking nonsense!
“You’re not being reasonable.”
“I’m not being reasonable?” I asked. “You’re not being reasonable.”
The car pulled up in front of my apartment building, gliding to a soft stop against the curb.
“Please,” Noah said. “Come home with me.”
I thought about how easy it would be to let him take control, to go home with him, to let him have his way with me. But what was to stop him from panicking again? He’d get scared of our closeness, and he’d toss me to the side in another misguided effort to protect me.
I couldn’t go through that anguish again.