West Wing to Maternity Wing!(30)

     



 

Amy could feel a tear trickle from the corner of her eye. This was  harder than she'd ever imagined. Her heart was breaking. She'd never  wanted this for Linc. She'd never wanted to hurt him. But that was  exactly what she was doing. She'd come to him because she'd thought he'd  be the best doctor for her son. But things had changed so much. This  hadn't really been about healing her son, this had been about healing  herself.

'This is about Zachary, Linc. This is all about Zachary. How can I be a  good mother to him when I can't even look at my reflection in the  mirror? How can I focus my time and attention on my son when this is  hanging in the background? How can I even think about another  relationship when I'm still not comfortable in my own skin?

'I want to be free to love you. I want to be free to watch you have a  relationship with my son. But everything inside me is so screwed up. I  need to go back home-home to Santa Maria and my friends. I need to learn  to look after myself and Zach before I'm ready to do this. Don't you  see what you've done for me? The best thing in the world. You've helped  me realise I need to face up to my demons. I'm healthy, Linc.  Physically, I'm healthy. And I hope that when I reach my five-year  anniversary I'll be able to kiss my breast cancer goodbye completely.  But inside?' She shook her head.

'I'm not quite there yet.' She lifted a finger and touched the side of  his cheek-gently, tenderly. 'I need to take one last step. This is the  final hurdle. The last thing I need to overcome. And you've given me the  courage to do it. I want to have a relationship with you. I do. But  right now I'm short-changing you. I'm not loving you the way I should.  You need to let me go. You need to let me go and come back on my own  terms.'

He stopped pacing and stared at her. She couldn't read his face. It was  as if he was trying to make sense of her words. As if he was trying to  rationalise what she was saying-trying to construct an argument against  it. She could see the tension across the muscles in his shoulders and  his abdomen. He was upset.

Then she saw his shoulders sag, his muscles relax. It was as if he'd  resigned himself to the fact she wanted to leave. As if he understood  her words and realised this was the only way.

And it caused her tears to flow even stronger.

He reached over and brushed a loose curl from her cheek, tucking it  behind her ear. She could see a million thoughts in his eyes. He leaned  forward. 'Sometimes the hardest bridge to cross is the one in your own  mind.' His words were quiet, almost a whisper. 'I can't do this for  you.'

'I know.' The words hung in the air between them, like a moment of suspended time.

He brushed a kiss to her cheek. 'If this is what you need, then I can't  pretend to understand, but I'll always support you. You and Zach.'

He lifted his head. 'When do you want to go?' He hesitated. 'I want to say goodbye to Zach.'

She breathed a huge sigh of relief. It almost felt like a weight was  lifting off her shoulders. She knew this would be killing him, but he  was still giving her room to breathe, room to heal. 'I guess I should go  today. I don't want to make this any more difficult.'

'Do you need a hand to move?' She could see the emotions on his face  now. The pain she'd caused him bubbled beneath the surface. How could  she do this to him?

'No. No, thanks. I'll make other arrangements.' She had to. She couldn't hurt him any more.

'Then let me say goodbye.' He picked up last nights discarded jeans from  the floor and pulled them on. He grabbed a T-shirt from the cupboard  and walked through to her bedroom. Through to where Zachary lay sleeping  in his crib.

She watched as he bent over and stroked the side of Zachary's face,  whispering to him for a few minutes. She had no idea what he was saying  and she was glad, because her legs currently felt like jelly.

He turned to face her, striding briskly from the room but stopping just for a second beside her.

His dark-rimmed eyes caught hers. She wanted to tell him she loved him.  She wanted to tell him that she ached for his touch. She wanted to tell  him that she would never feel about anyone else the way she currently  felt about him.

He hesitated, just for a second, as if trying to fathom if he should say  the words circulating in his brain or not. Then he gave her a little  smile. 'You were my One That Got Away, you know?'

'What?' His words confused her.

He moved closer. 'They say everyone has one. The One That Got Away. The  one person that if you could turn back the clock and do something  different for, you would. Anything that would have stopped them leaving.  You were mine, Amy. And you always will be.'         

     



 

His eyes met hers. 'Maybe this is right for us.' He glanced around him,  his gaze sweeping over the apartment. 'There's something that I've  wanted to do for a while-something I've been putting off. This might  just give me the time to do that.' He looked thoughtful then reached  over and squeezed her hand. 'Promise me you'll keep in touch.'

Her lips trembled. 'I promise,' she whispered as he kissed her cheek once more and walked out the door.

She stared down onto the San Francisco street and watched him walk  briskly along the sidewalk. This was hard. Harder than she could ever  have imagined.

But inside she knew it was right. She'd made a decision. Out there was  the man she loved. She wanted to be with him with her whole heart.

She just needed to learn how to love herself first.





CHAPTER TEN

AMY drew a deep breath before climbing the stairs. She couldn't hide the  tremble in her arm as she lifted her hand to ring the bell. It was a  quiet, unassuming street, with trees lining the length of it, giving it  an air of suburbia in the middle of the city. The gold plaque next to  the door glistened in the sun. Donna Kennedy, Counsellor.

Normally she would have done this kind of thing by recommendation.  Taking the word of a few reliable colleagues and friends. This time  she'd made an appointment with the first counsellor she'd found in the  Yellow Pages who would see her with a baby. She only hoped the warm  friendly voice on the phone lived up to reputation she'd built in her  head.

The door swung open. A small round woman with grey hair lifted Zachary  straight out of her arms. 'Come in, come in.' She bustled Amy into a  wooden-floored room that looked out over a wide garden filled with  colourful flowers, pointing her in the direction of a comfortable  leather armchair.

Everything about the place was friendly and inviting. The sunlit room  was spacious enough to be comfortable but not sparse and clinical and  looking like so many other office spaces. Amy could hear someone  clattering around in the kitchen behind her, the smell of baking  inviting her stomach to rumble. This was a home.

The woman settled herself in another chair, adjusting Zach in her arms  as she chattered non-stop to him. Her smile lit up her face. 'It's been a  long time since I got my hands on a baby.' She stuck her pudgy finger  into Zach's little fist, waiting until his tiny fingers clenched hers.

Amy sank back into the chair. A pitcher of iced water and a couple of  glasses sat on the small wooden table next to the chair. The windows to  the back garden were open, letting the smell of cut grass and open  blooms seep in through the air. She shifted in the chair. It was a  little worn in patches, the leather thinning on the arms, but was  obviously well used. Always a good sign.

She caught Donna's eyes on hers and instantly understood. This was a  well-rehearsed routine. The easy, welcoming atmosphere. Taking the baby  to allow her to relax, to focus on the reason she was here. She might  look like a bustling grandmother, but this woman was wise.

A warm feeling swept over her. She'd come to the right place.

Donna gave Zach's head a little rub with her fingers, tracing them down  his heavy eyelids-almost hypnotising him to sleep. Then, once she was  satisfied with the outcome, she looked Amy straight in the eye. This  woman was a professional through and through. 'So, Amy, tell me, how do  you feel?'

No preamble. No 'explain why you are here'. Just straight to the point, 'how do you feel?'

Amy pressed her shoulders back into the armchair. Zach was quiet; he was  sleeping. The sun was beating down on the grass outside and she could  see birds pecking at the berries on the bushes next to the window. She  took a deep breath. She could do this. This was easy. Everything about  this felt right. But more importantly, for her, the time was right.

She looked Donna straight in the eye. 'I feel angry,' she said.



The plane circled a few times. The rain was torrential and was obviously  affecting their ability to land. Time after time they swept over the  darkening green rainforest as they waited for a suitable landing spot.  From here, if Lincoln strained his eyes in the distance he could see the  snaking Amazon, winding its way through the forest.

Home to hundreds of potential patients.

He'd successfully negotiated a variation in his contract, allowing him  some extra unpaid leave from San Francisco to serve with the Amazon aid  boat.

It hadn't been difficult. The hospital needed some good publicity right  now, so supporting one of their best doctors on some aid missions had  been an easy move for them. It helped that as the President's doctor he  was still the darling of the media and could whip up some support for  the people out here.