Amy could feel a tear trickle from the corner of her eye. This was harder than she'd ever imagined. Her heart was breaking. She'd never wanted this for Linc. She'd never wanted to hurt him. But that was exactly what she was doing. She'd come to him because she'd thought he'd be the best doctor for her son. But things had changed so much. This hadn't really been about healing her son, this had been about healing herself.
'This is about Zachary, Linc. This is all about Zachary. How can I be a good mother to him when I can't even look at my reflection in the mirror? How can I focus my time and attention on my son when this is hanging in the background? How can I even think about another relationship when I'm still not comfortable in my own skin?
'I want to be free to love you. I want to be free to watch you have a relationship with my son. But everything inside me is so screwed up. I need to go back home-home to Santa Maria and my friends. I need to learn to look after myself and Zach before I'm ready to do this. Don't you see what you've done for me? The best thing in the world. You've helped me realise I need to face up to my demons. I'm healthy, Linc. Physically, I'm healthy. And I hope that when I reach my five-year anniversary I'll be able to kiss my breast cancer goodbye completely. But inside?' She shook her head.
'I'm not quite there yet.' She lifted a finger and touched the side of his cheek-gently, tenderly. 'I need to take one last step. This is the final hurdle. The last thing I need to overcome. And you've given me the courage to do it. I want to have a relationship with you. I do. But right now I'm short-changing you. I'm not loving you the way I should. You need to let me go. You need to let me go and come back on my own terms.'
He stopped pacing and stared at her. She couldn't read his face. It was as if he was trying to make sense of her words. As if he was trying to rationalise what she was saying-trying to construct an argument against it. She could see the tension across the muscles in his shoulders and his abdomen. He was upset.
Then she saw his shoulders sag, his muscles relax. It was as if he'd resigned himself to the fact she wanted to leave. As if he understood her words and realised this was the only way.
And it caused her tears to flow even stronger.
He reached over and brushed a loose curl from her cheek, tucking it behind her ear. She could see a million thoughts in his eyes. He leaned forward. 'Sometimes the hardest bridge to cross is the one in your own mind.' His words were quiet, almost a whisper. 'I can't do this for you.'
'I know.' The words hung in the air between them, like a moment of suspended time.
He brushed a kiss to her cheek. 'If this is what you need, then I can't pretend to understand, but I'll always support you. You and Zach.'
He lifted his head. 'When do you want to go?' He hesitated. 'I want to say goodbye to Zach.'
She breathed a huge sigh of relief. It almost felt like a weight was lifting off her shoulders. She knew this would be killing him, but he was still giving her room to breathe, room to heal. 'I guess I should go today. I don't want to make this any more difficult.'
'Do you need a hand to move?' She could see the emotions on his face now. The pain she'd caused him bubbled beneath the surface. How could she do this to him?
'No. No, thanks. I'll make other arrangements.' She had to. She couldn't hurt him any more.
'Then let me say goodbye.' He picked up last nights discarded jeans from the floor and pulled them on. He grabbed a T-shirt from the cupboard and walked through to her bedroom. Through to where Zachary lay sleeping in his crib.
She watched as he bent over and stroked the side of Zachary's face, whispering to him for a few minutes. She had no idea what he was saying and she was glad, because her legs currently felt like jelly.
He turned to face her, striding briskly from the room but stopping just for a second beside her.
His dark-rimmed eyes caught hers. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She wanted to tell him that she ached for his touch. She wanted to tell him that she would never feel about anyone else the way she currently felt about him.
He hesitated, just for a second, as if trying to fathom if he should say the words circulating in his brain or not. Then he gave her a little smile. 'You were my One That Got Away, you know?'
'What?' His words confused her.
He moved closer. 'They say everyone has one. The One That Got Away. The one person that if you could turn back the clock and do something different for, you would. Anything that would have stopped them leaving. You were mine, Amy. And you always will be.'
His eyes met hers. 'Maybe this is right for us.' He glanced around him, his gaze sweeping over the apartment. 'There's something that I've wanted to do for a while-something I've been putting off. This might just give me the time to do that.' He looked thoughtful then reached over and squeezed her hand. 'Promise me you'll keep in touch.'
Her lips trembled. 'I promise,' she whispered as he kissed her cheek once more and walked out the door.
She stared down onto the San Francisco street and watched him walk briskly along the sidewalk. This was hard. Harder than she could ever have imagined.
But inside she knew it was right. She'd made a decision. Out there was the man she loved. She wanted to be with him with her whole heart.
She just needed to learn how to love herself first.
CHAPTER TEN
AMY drew a deep breath before climbing the stairs. She couldn't hide the tremble in her arm as she lifted her hand to ring the bell. It was a quiet, unassuming street, with trees lining the length of it, giving it an air of suburbia in the middle of the city. The gold plaque next to the door glistened in the sun. Donna Kennedy, Counsellor.
Normally she would have done this kind of thing by recommendation. Taking the word of a few reliable colleagues and friends. This time she'd made an appointment with the first counsellor she'd found in the Yellow Pages who would see her with a baby. She only hoped the warm friendly voice on the phone lived up to reputation she'd built in her head.
The door swung open. A small round woman with grey hair lifted Zachary straight out of her arms. 'Come in, come in.' She bustled Amy into a wooden-floored room that looked out over a wide garden filled with colourful flowers, pointing her in the direction of a comfortable leather armchair.
Everything about the place was friendly and inviting. The sunlit room was spacious enough to be comfortable but not sparse and clinical and looking like so many other office spaces. Amy could hear someone clattering around in the kitchen behind her, the smell of baking inviting her stomach to rumble. This was a home.
The woman settled herself in another chair, adjusting Zach in her arms as she chattered non-stop to him. Her smile lit up her face. 'It's been a long time since I got my hands on a baby.' She stuck her pudgy finger into Zach's little fist, waiting until his tiny fingers clenched hers.
Amy sank back into the chair. A pitcher of iced water and a couple of glasses sat on the small wooden table next to the chair. The windows to the back garden were open, letting the smell of cut grass and open blooms seep in through the air. She shifted in the chair. It was a little worn in patches, the leather thinning on the arms, but was obviously well used. Always a good sign.
She caught Donna's eyes on hers and instantly understood. This was a well-rehearsed routine. The easy, welcoming atmosphere. Taking the baby to allow her to relax, to focus on the reason she was here. She might look like a bustling grandmother, but this woman was wise.
A warm feeling swept over her. She'd come to the right place.
Donna gave Zach's head a little rub with her fingers, tracing them down his heavy eyelids-almost hypnotising him to sleep. Then, once she was satisfied with the outcome, she looked Amy straight in the eye. This woman was a professional through and through. 'So, Amy, tell me, how do you feel?'
No preamble. No 'explain why you are here'. Just straight to the point, 'how do you feel?'
Amy pressed her shoulders back into the armchair. Zach was quiet; he was sleeping. The sun was beating down on the grass outside and she could see birds pecking at the berries on the bushes next to the window. She took a deep breath. She could do this. This was easy. Everything about this felt right. But more importantly, for her, the time was right.
She looked Donna straight in the eye. 'I feel angry,' she said.
The plane circled a few times. The rain was torrential and was obviously affecting their ability to land. Time after time they swept over the darkening green rainforest as they waited for a suitable landing spot. From here, if Lincoln strained his eyes in the distance he could see the snaking Amazon, winding its way through the forest.
Home to hundreds of potential patients.
He'd successfully negotiated a variation in his contract, allowing him some extra unpaid leave from San Francisco to serve with the Amazon aid boat.
It hadn't been difficult. The hospital needed some good publicity right now, so supporting one of their best doctors on some aid missions had been an easy move for them. It helped that as the President's doctor he was still the darling of the media and could whip up some support for the people out here.