Watch Me Fall(34)

When. When. When. Not if.

“What happened to your job?”

She didn’t feel like telling the story. Zipping her bulging bag closed with no small amount of effort, she swept her gaze around the room to see if there was anything else she needed. Phone charger, laptop… She damn sure didn’t want to have to come back here. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll let you know something soon, okay? You’ll still get my half of the rent for now, but consider this your notice.” With that, she grabbed the clothes she planned to change into and headed for their cramped, shared bathroom. She couldn’t go to the hospital wearing Jared’s stuff. While she was in there struggling into jeans and T-shirt, she heard the mattress squeak as Julie sat on the edge of her bed. Starla barely glanced at her as she came back out of the bathroom.

“This is really fucked-up, Star.”

“Tell me about it.”

“You owe me more than this.”

“Sue me.” Starla heaved the bag strap up over her shoulder, turned and walked out of her room. Annoyingly, Julie followed her through the house as she made for the front door.

“You know I’m never going to get Doug to get a job! You know that.”

Starla stopped at the front door, her bag bumping against her hip. It felt like there were boulders in it. “Then throw the fucker out on his ass and find someone who will, Jules! I have brothers too. Damn if I’d let them lay up in here. And you know what? None of them would need to. Because they’re productive fucking citizens. He’s not my problem anymore. He’s yours.”

As if on cue, Doug’s head jerked up from the couch pillows almost mid-snore. “Tryin’ to fucking sleep over here.” He punched the pillow back into shape and flopped over again.

Starla regarded his listless form coolly for a minute and looked back at Julie. “Good luck with that,” she told her, then banged her way through the front door as loudly as possible.

And breathed. The air was crisp and warm and clean this afternoon, hinting at the approaching summer. Which seemed especially hateful after the horror of the night before. Knowing she didn’t have to come back here for a while, she felt as if a ten-pound weight had left her chest, leaving only, oh, fifty pounds or so. She couldn’t let herself get used to the lighter feeling, but still. It was nice to have it, even temporarily.

Jared’s waiting truck was another cause of relief. He was on his cell phone as she tossed her bag in and climbed inside, a frown furrowing his handsome brow. “Yeah, I’ll come by and see them, take them to the park or something. I’ll be at their ball game. Don’t worry about it.”

Oh. He must be talking to his ex-wife, letting her know he wouldn’t be seeing the girls for a few days. As instantly as Starla had felt relief, guilt crashed down on her to replace it. The last thing she wanted was to deprive a father of his beloved daughters, but until Max was caught, he thought it might be safer for them to stay with their mom.

“Sorry,” she said softly as he hung up. And though it pained her to even think her next words, she forced herself to say them. “We don’t have to do this.”

“I know we don’t. But we’re going to. If he’s going to strike out at people close to you, then for all we know, I’m already on his radar whether I want to be or not.” He paused for a long moment. “Or whether I even deserve to be.”

Starla refused to address all the complexities of that sentiment. “What a nightmare.”

“Don’t worry. It’ll all work out.”

“Is your ex mad at you?”

“Confused, more like it. And I really didn’t want to explain so as not to upset her. Are we going to the hospital?”

That was a swift change of subject. She didn’t know if she could face it. But everyone else was there; she should be too. “You don’t have to. We can go back to your place and I can take my car.”

Jared shook his head as he pulled away from the curb. “I’d rather go with you.”

“You do realize Macy and Ghost will be there.”

“If you can handle this, then I can handle them.”

She was actually more worried about Ghost handling Jared than the other way around. But Ghost needed to get over any lingering is-his-dick-bigger-than-mine issues. Starla wanted to think that surely he wouldn’t start any drama at the hospital bedside of his best friend in the world, but trauma had a way of boiling things to the surface, didn’t it? Even though she’d had a fairly restful sleep at Jared’s despite the nightmares, her world was no less raw and turbulent and confusing than when she’d laid her head down. Than when she’d found Brian bleeding on the asphalt. She felt stripped, exposed, as if every feeling she’d ever had for Brian was inked across her chest and any one of the people at his side might point at her and start screaming, blaming her for the brutal attempt on his life.

There were no more tears to cry, though, she realized with some relief. That was good, at least.

As the hospital came into view up ahead, nausea bloomed in Starla’s stomach. All day she’d been pushing the images from her head of Brian hooked up to machines and fighting for his life. All at once, they swamped her, and she put a hand to her mouth as her heart surged into her throat.

“Hey,” Jared said gently, noticing her sudden distress. He reached over to take her other hand lying on the bench seat. “You don’t have to do this, you know. We’ll go back home right now.”

Home. His home, not hers. She took a deep breath to force the panic down. “No. I have to do this. Everyone expects me to be there. They’ll wonder why I’m not. They probably already do.”

“You don’t have anything to prove, Star.”

“It’s not about that.”

“And you don’t have to punish yourself.”

“Yes, I do.” She jerked her hand from his, because she didn’t deserve the comfort. She didn’t deserve the warmth of his skin or the safety he brought her.

“Hey.” The truck lurched to a stop right in the middle of the parking lot, and he slammed the gearshift in Park before turning to face her fully. “You listen to me. I don’t want to hear that shit coming from you. Go in there and hold your head up. Be strong for your friend. Be a comfort to his wife. It’s a shitty deal all the way around, but the most important thing right now is him, not you beating yourself up over this. We’ll go back home if you want, like I said. But if you’re going to go in there, then go, and own your right to be at his side. Because you didn’t do this to him. You saved him.”

Swallowing against the dryness in her throat, she nodded. “I know. I know. It’s just hard.”

“You wouldn’t be human if it weren’t. Do you want me with you?”

She did, oh fuck, how she did. And she shouldn’t give a shit how it looked to anyone. “I do.”

“Then I’m with you.” With those devastatingly simple words, he straightened and put the truck in Drive as a horn blast erupted from behind them. They shared a smirk and a chuckle, but hers came more from a place of amazement at the way things happened. Who would’ve thought a few weeks ago that she would confide her deepest, darkest secret to someone who was damn near a complete stranger, someone who took a chance on a lonely girl walking along a dirt road? And that she would be living with him?

Crazy. It made her look forward to the near future with equal parts dread and curiosity. Where would they be tomorrow? A month from now?

All she wanted was for things to go back the way they were. If only she hadn’t gotten in the car with Max that night. If only she hadn’t gone out with him in the first place. If only, if only.

Starla knew she wasn’t alone in her hatred for hospitals. She’d never had reason to be admitted into one herself, and except for ailing grandparents, rarely had cause to visit one. Her friends were young and strong and healthy. They weren’t supposed to be here. It smelled like sickness and despair. Jared was a rock beside her, though. Without even thinking about it, she curled her fingers around his and, realizing what she’d done, sucked in a quick breath at how natural the movement had seemed. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

Ghost was absolutely going to flip his shit.

But Jared didn’t let go of her hand, not when they got on the elevator, and not when they got off and approached the ICU waiting room. He remained silent walking beside her.

And, as luck would have it, Macy was the first person they saw as they entered the waiting room.

Any other time, Starla might have noticed the way Macy’s eyes nearly fell out of her head when she saw them together and felt no small hint of satisfaction. But sitting beside her, looking as if she wanted to bolt from the room, the building, the earth itself, was Candace. And she was all that mattered right now, she and Brian.

With her blonde hair half falling from a bun and her oversize knit cardigan hanging off her shoulders, Candace looked a mess, but an adorable one. Even though they’d seen each other only a few hours ago, she stood and raced into Starla’s arms as soon as she saw them, and even had a hug for Jared. Starla was surprised for a moment, but then she guessed that as Candace’s best friend’s former boyfriend of several years, Jared was no stranger to her.