Watch Me Fall(12)

“The truth that you’re still in love with Macy?”

He wanted to move, to fidget, to shift his weight, to turn the blunt question aside—but Starla was watching him like…like Shelly used to whenever Macy’s name came up. “She decided I was.”

“Were you? Are you?”

“Hey, I thought you weren’t going to ask questions.”

“All right,” she said innocently, relieving him from the weight of her assessing eyes and looking up at the sky again with a little smile curving her full lips.

“Now. It’s my turn.”

“Ugh. You don’t even have to ask. You know everything you need to know about Max—”

“Brian.”

The bottle actually slipped from her fingers, and for a second, she fought to reclaim her grip on it. He drank from his own, respectfully letting her recover without staring her down the way she’d done him.

“Um, I don’t know why you’d—”

“If I didn’t know from the way you can barely say his name, your reaction right then clued me in.”

“I—just—no. I can’t go there.”

“Starla,” he said gently, “it’s okay. We’re only talking here.”

“He’s married and he has a newborn baby. Please don’t think that I would ever do anything to mess that up for him.” The horror on her face made him feel like a colossal asshole. He shouldn’t have done this to her, but now that the subject had been broached, he realized why he’d been so uneasy about it, why he’d needed to know.

“I didn’t think you would.” It was the truth, but it was more that he hadn’t wanted to think she would.

“Because I swear on every star above us, I would never do that.”

“Tell me.”

She drew a deep breath, and even here in the golden glow of his deck lighting, he could see the pink tint of her skin. He could discern the tiny tremble in her hands and imagine her heart was about to tear its way right out of her chest. Had she never been called on this before? Never shared it with anyone, keeping it all bottled up? It must eat her alive. He knew. He’d been there.

“It started as soon as I met him. But we’ve never been anything more than friends. He met Candace. He fell in love with her, and he married her, and he had a baby with her, and I have to see how happy they are almost every single day of my life. The end.”

“Ouch,” he said after a moment. It was bad enough that he’d lost Macy. If he had to see her with Ghost, day in and day out, he didn’t know how he would handle it.

“And it’s okay, you know? I mean, it’s not, it hurts like hell, but I’m not such a sleazeball that I’m not happy for him. He’s found everything he wants, and that’s, like, miraculous. He deserves it.”

“Still trying to convince yourself?”

She chuckled sadly. “Yeah, maybe.”

“All right, enough of that. I’m sorry it’s a situation that causes you pain.”

“Thanks.” Her relief obvious, she took a long pull on her beer.

“And this other guy, the one I rescued your purse from?”

“He’s nothing. Nothing. Just another terrible mistake on my part.”

“Glad to hear it.” Jared still felt the slow burn of anger creep through his veins. “How long had you been seeing him? Surely that wasn’t a first date or anything.”

“No, a few weeks. It was pretty casual, the occasional hookup. But it’s done.”

If the dude was that bad on a casual hookup, Jared would hate to see how he treated someone he was in a relationship with.

“I’m pretty much swearing off men for a while,” she announced.

Something akin to disappointment flashed through him. That didn’t make any sense, though, did it? Regardless, it was a shame that someone like her, who obviously had so much to offer, kept having such horrible experiences that she was ready to give up altogether. Even if he had done something similar himself, though for different reasons. “Is that necessary? I’m sorry that you’ve had a rough time of it, but surely you know there are good guys out there. Hell, I like to think I’m not that bad myself, but I guess my record might say otherwise too.”

“Have you dated much since your divorce?”

“I went out with someone a few times. It didn’t go anywhere.”

“What are you waiting for, then?”

Someone who makes me feel like Macy always did. He shrugged. “The right person, I guess. I don’t know.”

“What if you feel like you’ve found them, but you can’t have them?”

“Don’t think you’re the only one.” Silence fell between them for a moment, then he offered, “Macy used to give horse riding lessons to the girls after Shelly and I split up. I thought maybe we could rekindle things. Ghost beat me to it, though. He was already in the picture by the time I tried to make a move. I didn’t think it was serious between them, but I guess I didn’t stand a chance from the start.”

“It was weird. I don’t think anyone expected that. They’re like, the most unlikely couple in history.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I didn’t know it was still such a raw subject, though. I’m sorry. Just know that she’s taken care of, if it helps. He loves her.”

“I’m like you, I guess. It should help. I should be a good enough person that her happiness is all that matters, but I guess I’m not. Guess I always thought I should be the one making her happy.”

“Well, Jared Stanton, we’re a couple of peas in a pod of mutually understood misery, aren’t we?”

“Jesus. You’re right. I didn’t mean for things to go south in such a hurry.”

“I’m okay if you are. I’ve realized something important. If you figured out my feelings for Brian so fast, then I’ve got to work on hiding them more. The only thing that truly terrifies me is thinking that he might know.”

“Starla, do you really think he doesn’t?”

The question made her kill what was left of her beer. “I can only pray.”





Chapter Seven



The conversation out on the deck had cast a pall of melancholy over Starla’s heart. It was strange, though. She wasn’t so much horrified at Jared’s discovery of her dark little secret as she was relieved. It was nice to talk to someone. Bad enough that Janelle knew—someone who worked alongside Starla and Brian every day and (hopefully) had to keep her mouth shut. No one else on earth had known until tonight. Sometimes Starla had felt so pent-up with the emotions that she was afraid she might freak out and start hitting something. It was almost as if talking about it to someone else had released the pressure a bit. Allowed her to deflate. She felt lighter.

“I might need you around more,” she said as they moved back inside from the bite of the rapidly cooling night air. “I feel better after talking about it. Think I might be able to call you up nightly and dump all my problems on you?”

The smile he gave her was sweet, and, if she was honest with herself, it made her heart do a giddy little flip-flop. “Sure. If I can do the same.”

“Of course.”

She should probably leave. It was nearly eleven o’clock; she hadn’t planned on staying this long. For all she knew, he might be ready for her to go and was simply too nice to say it. His cues, however, said otherwise. Instead of leaving, she sat on the couch and wished desperately for a smoke.

“I like you, Starla,” he said, settling beside her. Not close enough to touch, but close enough to eradicate the distance between them in half a second if she gave the invitation.

“Likewise,” she said cautiously. I will not sleep with him. I will not sleep with him. Did she want to? Hell yeah, she did. Oddly enough, though…she didn’t want him to make the attempt. How fucked-up was that? But it had been so nice, just hanging out, talking, being real with each other. If sex came into it, it would be fucked. He would get what he wanted, and he would turn into an asshole like all the others. He would treat her like shit and only come around when he was horny, and she really, really didn’t think she could take it.

Except for the ticking of an antique grandfather clock across the room, all was quiet. Uncomfortably so. Jared bounced his denim-clad knee a few times. Starla played with the gauze wrapped around her finger. She was finally opening her mouth to break the torturous silence when he spoke.

“I’m not trying to be too forward or anything, but I’d like to see you again.”

“I’d like that too.” She stole a glance at his profile. Even without the beard, his virility would be enough to have her crossing her legs tight against the sweet ache between her thighs, but with the beard, he had her positively throbbing there. Just by sitting close to her. Wow.

“Maybe we got off on the wrong foot, saying a little too much too soon,” he said.

For her, it really was a strange way to start things. “On the other hand, it might be better to know each other’s baggage up front. You think? I’ve never done it that way before.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sharing all the hang-ups before going to bed with someone.”