“Did I ever know who that was?” I said.
It was silly, my entire life was a shambles but that was the question that came to me. I needed the answer, though, needed to know if I had been wrong about him, foolishly trusting myself when myself had led me so astray.
“You’re the only one who ever has, and you think I’m really him,” he said.
“You think you’re not,” I replied.
He watched me, something like remorse on his face. He quickly covered that look, though the expression that was left was open, pretty much as open as I could ever recall him being.
“I’m not, Milan. I’m Priest,” he said.
“You sound sure,” I said, still not wanting to accept it, but his words were making that belief almost impossible to cling to.
“I am sure,” he said. “I’m him.”
I looked away, unable to maintain eye contact with him when my heart was on the verge of shattering. A neat trick my heart was pulling, aided by him. I’d thought it already broken, shattered to minuscule pieces, but he was proving that even those pieces could be ground even further, smashed until they were nothing but dust.
“Thanks for coming all this way to tell me that,” I said. “It really wasn’t necessary, though. I think your absence said enough.”
“And what did it say?” he asked.
Rage almost had me looking at him, my emotions, the hurt, the heartache ramping up to something that approached uncontrollable rage.
Common sense kept my gaze squarely out of the window. Even Adrian, terrifying as he was, was a better alternative.
“Milan,” he said after I remained quiet.
“What?” I snapped, not bothering to try to temper the anger in my words. He didn’t deserve that, didn’t deserve my restraint.
He also didn’t deserve my tears, but those were coming freely now, beyond my ability to control them. Staying grounded in my skin was hard enough. I didn’t have the strength to attempt to maintain my composure, to try to hold on to the scraps of dignity he had left me.
“What’s your story, Milan?”
“I need to spell it out to you?” I said.
“Yes,” he replied.
“Fine. You had a moment. Some part of you took pity on me, or maybe you were just bored. I can imagine that any job gets tedious. You went on a little lark with me as we tried to evade a murderous member of law enforcement, and in the meantime, you decided to try on a new persona. Or an old one, maybe. I guess that part doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I, ignorant ass that I am, let myself believe you were something you weren’t. Created the noble Nikolai from nothing other than my desperate desire for him to be true.
“You tried him on, didn’t like him, and decided to be the old you. I got a broken heart and a trip to Venice out of the deal.”
I waited, still not looking at him as tears fell from my eyes.
“Almost right,” he said. “Out there, with everyone else, I’m Priest. But with you, I’m different. I’m Nikolai. And I want that. I want you,” he said.
I’d wanted those words, dreamed of them, but now my emotions were a jumbled mess inside my chest. Words left me, and there was only emotion now, joy that threatened to send me toward him while fear and self-preservation kept me grounded.
I paused, searched his face for something, and used the time to center myself for what would be the most important conversation of my life.
“You told me he didn’t exist. You had a change of heart,” I said, my voice as confused and tortured as my emotions but at least working.
“I wanted to, but more than anything, I want to be with you. You remember when you told me you trusted your gut?” he asked.
I nodded, stupid hope rising in my chest.
“That’s what I’m doing here. I’m trusting my gut and yours, and it tells me I should be with you,” he said.
“Priest…” I started, then cut off. “Nikolai…”
He must have heard the wariness in my voice, the desperate need to want to believe him, and the worry I couldn’t take it if he tried to kill my hope again. Worry that he couldn’t be my Nikolai.
“I’m him, Milan,” he said, his eyes on mine, deep, dark, sparkling with emotion. “And I love you. I’ve never loved anyone, Milan, but I love you.”
Everything I had believed in my understanding of the world had changed, but the thing that had never led me wrong, the thing that had guided me, told me he was the one I was meant to be with. He truly was my Nikolai.
So I would, as I always had, trust in that. Give my heart fully to him and trust that it, that he wouldn’t let me down.
“I love you, Nikolai,” I said.