Almost but not quite, because as much as I tried to pretend that I had been recovering, that I didn’t have the energy to fend her off, I’d been sucking in her attention, trying to take enough of it to last me in those hours, days, years I would be without her.
“Indulge me,” she said, smiling down at me, her expression one I would treasure forever.
“I have indulged you for days, far too much, Milan. That ends now,” I said.
“Sure you don’t want to indulge me just a little longer?” she asked, her eyes going soft, a gentle, sexy smile on her lips.
She slowly dropped to her knees on the edge of the bed, her eyes locked with mine, trailing her fingers along my uninjured left side. I responded immediately, my cock stone solid in moments.
“Milan…” I whispered, intending my voice to dissuade her but instead having it come out as encouragement.
“Priest,” she replied, her tone mimicking mine, the teasing light in her eyes only intensifying my desire.
Were I in better condition, I would turn the tables on her, have her under me, but moving too quickly still brought me a great deal of pain. Of course, though I tried to be stern, I wasn’t eager to be away from her touch.
And she knew it too. I could see so in her eyes, in the teasing way she brushed her fingers against my chest, moving in a zigzag pattern I couldn’t predict, which only made me want it more.
She went lower, down, over my stomach, and then lay her hand flat against it, her small palm warm against my skin. She brushed her fingers against over my erection. It would have been easily to let her continue. I wanted her to more than anything, but I grabbed her hand and stilled her, forced her to meet my eyes. As she watched me, she smiled, her face soft with happiness, contentment, and relief.
Seeing that broke my heart, but not as much as I would soon break hers.
“I’m so glad you’re okay. I was worried. I thought…”
I gripped her cheek in my hand, locked eyes with her. “I can take care of myself,” I said.
She laughed. “Senna said the same thing.”
“You didn’t believe her?” I asked.
“I didn’t doubt it for a moment, but I couldn’t just sit and let you suffer,” she said.
“Do you want to know what happened to him?” I asked, still holding her gaze with mine.
“Will he come after you again?” she said.
Her voice was a whisper now, though I could hear the question in it, could feel the importance she placed on my response.
“No,” I said. “You either.”
“I don’t care about me. As long as you’re okay, nothing else matters,” she said vehemently.
“I care, Milan,” I whispered, my voice going rough, raw with the emotion that nearly choked me, emotion I had to swallow down to say the words that killed the heart Milan had only so recently given me. “I care more than I can ever show you.”
She lifted her brows at me, her expression dropping and her eyes darkening.
“What are you saying, Nikolai?” she asked.
It had been years, a lifetime since anyone had called me that, but in her voice, from her lips, it was right. And at least this once, I was determined to be Nikolai, the good, noble, honorable man Milan cared for.
Even if doing so meant breaking her heart.
Even if doing so meant breaking mine.
“You know what I’m saying, Milan,” I said.
She shook her head. “No.” She shook her head again, the furrow between her eyes deep, her lips turned down in a frown. “No. I thought I had lost you. I didn’t and I won’t now.”
“You have to. Maxim will see you are settled and taken care of,” I said.
“I don’t want Maxim to see me settled and taken care of,” she said, her voice low with her vehemence.
No one had ever been this passionate about me, cared so much, not even my family.
Sure, Maxim had seen potential, had had something of a soft spot for me, but this was different.
Milan loved me, and I returned the emotion with a depth that scared me. I would use that fear as my guide.
“Benton won’t be the only one, Milan. There are others like him, and I don’t know how many. They’ll catch me eventually. You can’t be around for that. I won’t let you. So you have to go,” I said.
It was the only way, and as much as I wished it different, I could not avoid the truth.
“No. I’ll stay. We can fight,” she said.
“No, Milan. You won’t stay. I won’t let you fight. I love you, always will, but you have to go.”
Milan didn’t say anything and instead stared at me with accusing eyes.
Good.
It’d be better if she was angry, keep her from believing the lie that I was good, worthy of her love. Because I wasn’t, never would be. So, I’d do the only noble thing I had ever done.