Wanting to Remember,Trying to Forget(33)
Danny smiled to herself. Those few sentences reaffirmed so many things. Max had always cheated at games, she had always resorted to violence, and he had not been lying about when he started liking her more than a friend. It must have been very early in their friendship if this was her first Christmas with his family.
“Lunch is ready,” a familiar voice sang.
Danny recognized it immediately, but the camera was still focused on Max and Perry. She felt anxious, almost wishing she jump in there and move the damn thing herself.
“Great,” Perry chirped. “I’m starving and I’m gonna stuff my face. Roast chicken and sweet potatoes. Momma J’s cooking is da bomb!”
“And then dessert,” Kevin added. “Ice cream!”
“With chocolate sauce,” Perry agreed with a nod.
They did a weird little handshake, something that looked like it was only shared between the two of them.
“You guys are making me hungry,” Max’s dad said, finally shifting the lens back to the door.
“Jake.” His name caught in her throat. She fumbled to get the remote and pressed pause, freezing the gray-haired man on the screen. She slowly shifted off the sofa and moved towards the TV, tracing her fingers on the edges of his pixelated face. Somehow looking at the only person she remembered and knowing that he was no longer there only reinforced every lonely, empty feeling inside her. Her life truly was one big, gaping hole; an abyss filling with incomplete memories and other peoples’ versions of the truth.
She sat there for quite some time, staring at the wrinkles near his eyes and the tiny mole below his lip. This was the only form of Jake she had left and she wanted to hold onto it for as long as possible.
Max walked towards her, leaned down, and placed a kiss on the side of her head. “I can see you want some time alone.”
She could only manage a nod. She waited for him to leave the living room before she pressed play again. She watched the rest of her first Christmas at the Shepards, putting more faces to the names in her head. Jordan. Shane. Dominic. His parents. They were a beautiful family and she felt privileged that Max would let her be a part of something so special. They laughed and joked and told stories around the Christmas tree. It made her greedy for more.
She went through DVD after DVD, not caring that the information overload was causing her head to spin. She wanted to feel every feeling those moving pictures invoked. Whether it was joy or sorrow, she didn’t care. Anything was better than emptiness.
Some of the videos included Amber, especially the ones from college, some had Lauren, but most of them were of her and Max. At college. At the beach. At Rocko’s. She even got to see the flash mob he had told her about. Every moment with him was playful and energetic. She knew from their past conversations that she’d had other boyfriends, but from the videos it was very difficult to pin point exactly when her and Max had started dating. They always behaved like a couple.
The casual arm around her shoulder, the quick kiss on the side of her head, the distant admiration in his eyes, those things were captured in almost every video. That made sense because he had admitted that he liked her from the very beginning. But the reason why she was still confused was because of the fleeting glances she kept seeing in younger Danny’s eyes.
Every now and then, younger Danny looked at Max the same way current Danny did, with eyes that seemed like she was crushing on him in the biggest way. It was strange that it took such a long time for them to get together because from the videos it was clear that they were in to each other years ago.
She stumbled upon a more recent video. From the date stamp in the corner of the screen, it was in early February this year. She watched herself in a powder blue dress, kick off her shoes and meet Max in the middle of the dance floor. He smiled and they proceeded to perform the cutest, most incredibly dorky dance known to mankind. The song was catchy, but the music was too loud to hear the words that were exchanged between them. They bounced and turned and did the robot and Danny had to cover her mouth to mute her giggles. They were adorable together.
When the song ended, Max pulled her into his arms and he probably said something stupid because she pulled a weird face. Right after that, Danny grabbed the remote again and pressed pause.
Except for younger Danny’s occasional glances of affection, everything she had seen so far was unfamiliar, something she didn’t recognize. But now gazing at herself and Max in that moment frozen in time, she finally saw something she could relate to. A feeling encompassed in her hazel eyes. She felt the same way now for the same man and the similarity brought a sense of comfort because it meant that she was on her way to getting her life back. And it was all because of him.
She stared at Max, the cute dimple on his cheek. “I think I’m falling in love with you,” she whispered. “I think…I’ve always been in love with you.”
Max tossed over and looked at the alarm clock on the side of his bed. It was already two in the morning and he could still hear the faint sounds of the television.
His phone buzzed on the night stand.
Jordan: Can’t sleep?
Max: No. Why are you up?
Jordan: Obsessing over some guy. You?
Max: Worried about Danny. How did you know I was awake?
Jordan: Irish twins have the same psychic ability as normal twins.
Max: Or you’re just bored and looking for company at 2 in the morning.
Jordan: Yeah, that too :)
He rolled out of bed and walked to the living room where he saw Danny sleeping on the sofa. He knelt down beside her, noticing fine lines where tears had dried on her cheek.
Everything that had happened today made the guilt even more unbearable. When she had asked him about Richard, he was at breaking point and ready to reveal it all. But he couldn’t because the thought of Richard brought back all his insecurities.
If she knew that he had lied to her about being her boyfriend, if she knew that she and Richard were still technically dating at the time of the accident, then what would stop her from going back to him?
He had made the choice for her. Who would she choose if she knew everything? He had always wanted her to choose him, but this was rickety scale that would tilt in Richard’s favor if she found out what he had done. Maybe he wouldn’t lose her to Richard, but he would lose her. He couldn’t risk telling her the truth with so much hanging in the balance.
It couldn’t be that bad, though. Lying to her couldn’t be that bad. They were happy. She was happy. How could it be bad? He would tell her eventually. As soon as she felt like she had just as much to lose, he would tell her.
He gently ran his fingers over the scar on the side of her head. “My future wife,” he whispered and for the first time ever, he felt like those words might actually be possible.
* * *
“Let’s play a game,” Danny said, walking into the kitchen with a notebook in her hand. “And at least this is a game you can’t cheat at.”
Max chuckled and continued chopping cucumbers for the salad he was preparing. He shifted the chopping board to the island counter so he could face her. “Sure.”
Sitting down on the barstool, she opened her notebook. “You said that I haven’t changed,” she explained. “So I want to test that. I have here a documented list of all my favorite things. You tell what they were before and I’ll compare it to what I have now. That way I can see if it really is the same.”
He nodded, somewhat amused. “Okay. Shoot.”
“My favorite color?”
“You don’t have a favorite color. You think there are too many pretty colors to choose just one.”
Her eyes widened and she couldn’t hold back her excitement. “That’s exactly what I wrote here.” She put a quick tick next to Favorite color on her notebook. “Okay, next one. Favorite movie?”
“You know you don’t even need to ask that question and I don’t need to answer.” He tossed the cucumbers into the salad bowl on top of the lettuce.
A tick was placed next to Jerry Maguire on her notebook. “Favorite song?”
“Timbaland, The Way I Are. You’re sentimental like that.”
“Is that our dorky dance song?”
He nodded as he reached for a tomato, cutting it down the middle and then into neat slices.
“I have a different one now,” she said, looking down at her notebook. “I found an old CD in the box you gave me and there’s this one song called Kokomo.”
The light expression on his face dropped and he shook his head with disappointment. “The Beach Boys? Really, Danny? That song is like a hundred years old. And it’s clear that you haven’t listened to much music since the accident.”
“Don’t be mean.” She laughed and threw a dish towel at his head. “Favorite food?”
“Anything made at Rocko’s,” he replied instantly.
“That one also changed. I got here anything made by Max, especially chicken-a-la-king.”
He smiled, almost a shy smile, as he walked to the fridge to get out the feta cheese and olives. She continued down her list, asking about her favorite place to hang out, her favorite book and all her other favorites. As more answers were revealed, she noticed that not much had changed since before the accident. It surprised her but what surprised her more was how much he knew about her. He answered her questions quickly, without having to really think about it.