The permanent ache that resided deep within him grew stronger and he dragged in a breath.
"I'm dealing with this the only way I know how. The only way I can," he said quietly. "Just leave me be, okay?"
With that he picked up the picnic bag and walked toward the gathering group. This was hard enough as it was without fighting with Alexis every step of the way at the same time. Deep down he knew she had a point. Bree wouldn't have wanted this, wouldn't have been happy that he'd left Ruby with Catherine. After the amount of time the baby had spent in hospital, he was terrified to even hold her and it had seemed that Catherine needed her daughter's baby about as much as Ruby had needed a confident and loving touch. It had appeared to be the best choice for everyone for him to withdraw, to confine his contact with his daughter to financially providing for her care. After all, what did he know about babies? What if he did something wrong or missed some vital clue that could lead to illness or, even worse, death? Wasn't it better for him to take the time to mourn in his own way, safely alone where there was no one he could hurt-and no one who could hurt him?
Better or not, Alexis was dragging him out of the dark, and he wasn't happy about it. Her presence alone had been enough to spark a part of him to life he'd thought would be dead and gone forever. Basic human instinct, human need, had unfurled from where he'd locked it down, hard. She had a way about her-a warmth, a casual touch here and there-that had begun to thaw out the emotions he'd denied himself and that he knew he no longer deserved.
Emotions were messy things. They insidiously wrapped themselves around your mind and your heart and then when everything went to hell in a handbasket they squeezed so tight you could barely draw breath. He wasn't ready to risk that again. Not for anyone. The pain of loss was just too much. It was much easier to simply lock it all out, to prevent it happening.
He lifted a hand in greeting as one of the guys over by the barbecue area shouted a hello and began to walk toward him. Raoul steeled himself for what he anticipated would be an awkward reunion , but to his surprise he found himself relaxing under the onslaught of his friend's warm and simple greeting.
"Good to see you, mate," his friend Matt said, clapping his back in a man hug. "We've missed you."
Raoul murmured something appropriate in response and accepted the icy bottle of beer being thrust in his hand. Before long others joined them and, to his immense relief, no one mentioned Bree or his absence from their circle over the past nine months. He was just beginning to relax when one of the guys gestured over to where Alexis was sitting with the other women and the little ones.
"New nanny? Nice piece of work there, buddy," the guy said approvingly. His voice was full of innuendo as he continued. "Good around the house, is she?"
Raoul felt his hackles rise. Alexis was good around the house and great with Ruby, but he knew that wasn't what this guy was aiming at.
"Alexis is an old friend of Bree's. Ruby's lucky to have her. Besides, it's only temporary, until Catherine's back on her feet again."
His mention of Bree froze over the conversation as effectively as if he'd tipped a bucket of cold water over the guy.
"Hey man, my apologies, I didn't mean anything by it."
"That's fine, then," Raoul uttered tightly.
Anger still simmered beneath the surface for a while over the dismissive way the other man had talked about Alexis. She deserved more respect than that. While he might not necessarily have been warm or friendly toward her himself, he could certainly ensure she received the respect she deserved from others. He didn't stop for a minute to consider why that was so important to him and he missed the look exchanged between his friends behind his back as his gaze remained locked on his daughter's nanny.
* * *
Alexis felt a familiar prickle in between her shoulder blades as if she was under scrutiny. She turned and caught Raoul's gaze fastened firmly on her, a serious expression on his face. The moment their eyes met he turned his attention back to the group of men gathered around the barbecue where, by the smells of things, they were making a sacrificial offering of the meat as only a large group of guys could.
Despite the fact he was no longer looking at her, she still felt the impression of his gaze and a flush of heat stained her cheeks and chest in response. What had he been thinking to have such a somber visage? she wondered. Whatever it had been, he'd obviously pushed it to the back of his mind as he now appeared to be laughing at something someone else had said.
The sight of him laughing like that sent a thrill of joy all the way to her heart. He needed to laugh more often, deserved to. The way he'd hidden himself away, devoid of all company and support, had been wrong on so many levels she couldn't even begin to enumerate them. She knew everyone coped differently with grief, but he'd become a slave to his, and that hadn't done anyone any favors-not Raoul and certainly not Ruby.
She watched him a moment longer, relishing the warm sensation that coursed through her as she looked her fill. Laughter suited him. Happiness suited him. And somehow she had to make sure he had his fair share of both back in his world. He reached for another drink from the cooler, a can of soda this time, and she watched the play of muscles along his shoulders beneath the fine knit of his lightweight sweater.
Warmth soon became something more complicated as she felt her body react in a far more visceral way, her breathing quickening and a pull of desire working its way from her core to her extremities.
"He's easy on the eye, isn't he?" Laura's voice intruded from right next to her.
"What? Oh...um, yes." Alexis felt her cheeks flame in embarrassment at being caught out staring at the man who was essentially her boss.
"Don't worry," Laura said with a gentle smile. "Your secret's safe with me."
"Secret?"
Alexis deliberately played dumb, only to be on the receiving end of a gentle smile and a painfully understanding look.
"How long have you felt this way about him?"
Alexis sighed, the other woman's compassion breaking down any barrier she had thought to erect.
"A few years now," Alexis admitted, shocked that she'd given up her secret at the first sign of empathy from another person.
For so long she'd held the truth to her chest, fearful that anyone would find out how she felt and judge her for it. You didn't get attracted to your best friend's partner-it just wasn't done-and you certainly didn't act on it. That was a no-go area in every aspect.
It was terrifying to know that her secret was now out. Not even her parents had known how she felt about Raoul Benoit and, here, a virtual stranger had plucked it from her as easily as if it was a piece of lint on her sweater.
"You...you won't say anything, will you?" she hastened to add in an undertone.
"Of course not, Alexis. To be honest, I'm glad."
"Glad?" Alexis was confused.
"Maybe you're exactly what he needs now, hmm? To mourn someone is one thing, but he's been hiding away from living for far too long," Laura said, reaching out to give Alexis's hand a squeeze. "We all deserve a bit of happiness, right?"
"Right," Alexis agreed numbly.
Happiness. Could she bring that elusive ingredient back into Raoul's life? While her aim had been to reunite father and daughter, could he find room in his broken heart to consider love again?
She pushed the thought away. If he could accept Ruby into his life, she'd be satisfied. She had no right to hope for anything more.
Five
After everyone had eaten, the group of adults sat around watching their kids at play. Alexis kept her eye on Ruby as she crawled a couple of meters across the grass toward the playground where Laura and some of the other parents had taken their babies for a turn on the swings. The grass would be hell on those pink dungarees, she thought ruefully, but it was good for Ruby to be out in the fresh air and interacting with everyone else. It wouldn't be long before tiredness would set in-she was already overdue for her nap-but Alexis wanted to prolong the fun for as long as possible.
A cry of anguish from behind her dragged her attention off the little girl, distracting her for the moment it took to return a clearly much-loved piece of tatty muslin to its stroller-bound owner. She turned her eyes back to where Ruby had been, only to feel her stomach drop. She lurched to her feet, her eyes anxiously scanning the crowd for the little splotch of pink. Her feet were already moving, taking her over the grass and toward the playground. Ah, there she was. Relief flooded Alexis with the force of a tidal wave and she covered the short distance between them as quickly as she could.