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Wanting What She Can't Have(4)

By:Yvonne Lindsay


It all looked very straightforward. Alexis sighed and looked at the  little girl. How could Raoul not want to be a part of her care? The very  idea was almost impossible to contemplate. If she hadn't heard him just  a few moments ago she would have denied that he could possibly be so  cold.

But was he really cold? There'd been something flickering in his hazel  eyes that she hadn't quite been able to identify. Thinking back on it,  could it have been fear? Could he be afraid of his own daughter?

Ruby chose that moment to wearily rub at her eyes with  cookie-goop-covered hands, galvanizing Alexis back into action. If she  was going to get a dinner inside the tot she needed to feed her now  before she fell asleep in her high chair. After coaxing Ruby through her  meal of reheated soft-cooked ravioli, which Catherine had thoughtfully  made and supplied for tonight, she held Ruby carefully over the kitchen  sink and turned on the cold tap, letting her clap her little hands in  the stream as the water washed away the food residue.

"I think you're wearing about as much food as you've eaten." Alexis  laughed as she used a clean tea towel to dry their hands and give Ruby's  face a quick wipe before whisking her back through the house to the  nursery.

After a bath and a new diaper, fresh pajamas, and a bottle, Ruby was  down in her crib. Alexis rubbed her back for a little while, concerned  she might not settle in what were obviously strange surroundings, but it  seemed her earlier upset had worn Ruby out and she was asleep in no  time. After Alexis checked to ensure the baby monitor was on, she  clipped its partner to the loop of her jeans and left the room.

Outside in the hall she came to a halt. She really didn't know what to  do next. Should she seek out Raoul and press him for more explanation  over his behavior earlier, or simply carry on as if nothing had  happened? She worried at her lower lip with her teeth. Until she'd seen  him again today she would have done the former of the two-without  question. But after that stilted, almost hostile, encounter, she was  reluctant to muddy the waters between them any more than they already  were.

She still needed to unpack her things, so she went into the master  bedroom where she'd put her suitcase earlier on. The door to the walk-in  wardrobe stood open and she gravitated toward it. One side was  completely bare of anything but naked hangers, the other still filled  with women's clothing. Her heart stuttered in her chest as she reached  out and touched a few of the things hanging there, as a hint of Bree's  favorite scent wafted out.

That awful sense of emptiness filled her again along with a renewed  feeling of deep sympathy for the man who hadn't yet been able to bring  himself to pack his dead wife's things away. She stepped out of the  wardrobe and closed the door behind her, turning instead to the native  rimu tallboy that stood proud against one wall. The drawers were empty,  so she filled them with her things, then shoved her now-redundant case  into the wardrobe without looking again at the silent memorial that  still hung there.

A knock at her door make her start.

"Yes?" she called out.

The door opened and Raoul filled the frame. Instantly her senses sprang  to life. Her body hummed with that almost electric responsiveness to  his proximity-her eyes roaming over him, taking in the way his clothing  hung just a little too loosely on his rangy frame. It was hard to  believe he was the same man as before. But then again, he wasn't, was  he? He'd been through hell and she needed to remember that as she  tackled her new role. To perhaps be a little less judgmental.                       
       
           



       

For all the differences-from subtle to striking-in his appearance and  in his manner, there was no doubting the instant effect he had on her  equilibrium. Even now she could feel her heart beat that little bit  faster, her breathing become a little more shallow. She dug her  fingernails into her palms in an attempt to distract herself from her  reaction to him.

"I just wanted to make sure you'd settled in okay," he said stiffly, not quite meeting her eyes.

She nodded, unsure of what to say about Bree's things. Or even if she should say anything about them at all.

"The baby's quiet now. Is she all right?"

"Ruby's down for the night. Catherine tells me she usually goes through  until about six-thirty, or seven, so as long as she isn't unsettled by  sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, you shouldn't hear from her again until  morning."

"How do you know she's okay? You're not with her right now."

Alexis tapped the monitor on her belt loop. "I have the monitor. As soon as she stirs I'll know, trust me."

"Hmm, are you sure it's working?"

"It looked pretty new when I removed it from the packaging and I put fresh batteries in this unit myself before Ruby arrived."

He flinched slightly and Alexis took a moment to realize why. Of  course, he and Bree would have bought all the things in the nursery in  readiness for when they brought their infant home for the first time.  Bree was likely the last person to have touched that monitor before  Alexis.

"They might be old. I'll get you new ones. Make sure you change them immediately."

Alexis fought the urge to salute at his command. Instead she merely  inclined her head. He was showing concern, which was a good thing even  if she wished it came with a less imperious tone.

"Is there anything else? I thought I might start getting our evening  meal ready. Ruby obviously ate earlier but now I have time to put  something together for us. Will you be joining me?"

"No." His response was emphatic. "I'll see to myself."

"It's no bother. I may as well cook for two adults as for one. I'll leave your meal warming in the oven."

His body sagged, as if he was giving up in this battle-perhaps choosing to shore up his strength for another time. "Thank you."

"If you change your mind about eating with me, feel free. It'd be nice  to catch up. Or, if you'd rather, have breakfast with Ruby and me in the  morning. It'd be good for her to spend more time with her dad, and good  for you, too."

Raoul sighed and swiped one hand across his face. She saw his jaw clench before he spoke again.

"Look, I know you're determined to do what you think is the right  thing, but you and the baby being here is a complication I can do  without. Don't make it any harder for me than it already has to be."

"But-"

"No buts, Alexis. I mean it. If there had been any other alternative to  this, believe me, I would have chosen it. Once Catherine is mobile  again I expect things to return to normal."

"Normal? But this isn't normal, is it? Not by any stretch of the  imagination," Alexis protested. "Bree wouldn't have wanted you to be so  distant from your own flesh and blood."

He paled as if he'd been dealt a mortal blow. "Don't," he said  brokenly, shaking his head and backing toward the door. "Don't throw  that at me. You have no idea-" He shook his head once more. "Just do  what you were hired to do, Alexis. End of topic."

He was gone in an instant and Alexis wrapped her arms around herself in  a vain attempt to provide some comfort for herself where there was  none. So, it seemed she couldn't even mention her best friend without  making Raoul run. That he'd loved her deeply was patently obvious. But  how could that love not extend to their little girl?





Three

Raoul lay in bed unable to sleep any longer. It was time he rose  anyway, time to escape to the winery before Alexis and Ruby took over  the house. No longer was his home the quiet sanctuary contained by the  boundaries of his property. No longer was coming to the house a peaceful  pilgrimage to the past. No longer was it his safe place where he could  be alone with his memories.                       
       
           



       

They'd been here a week-a hellishly long time, in his estimation-and  since Alexis's and the baby's arrival he spent as little time as humanly  possible in the house. And since he still wasn't ready to face the  world at large, that meant he spent as much time as he could in the  winery where he wasn't constantly being distracted by the presence of  two very unsettling females.

Just yesterday he'd caught Alexis shifting things in the sitting  room-raising the tide line, she'd called it-because Ruby was pulling  herself up on the furniture and starting to walk around things, grabbing  for whatever she could reach. While he understood the necessity of  keeping Ruby safe, the idea of changing anything from the way Bree had  left it was profoundly unsettling.

He yawned widely. Sleep had been as elusive last night as it had been  since Alexis's accusation of his behavior being abnormal. Her words had  stung. She had no idea what he went through every time he looked at  Ruby. Every time he saw a miniature Bree seated before him. He'd almost  managed to bring the shock of pain under control, but the echoing empty  loss that came hard on its heels unraveled him in ways he didn't even  want to begin to acknowledge.