I thought the same thing, too. Before distance started to grow between Jasper and me, I used to always cook for him. I know my cherry pie is his favorite, and that’s why I made it today. I smile, thinking back to how he was always my tester for anything new I wanted to try in the kitchen. He’d sit at the counter for hours with me while I cooked, and when I was younger he would always handle stuff he didn’t think I should be doing, like taking things out of the oven or cutting something up.
He acted like my own personal safety monitor in the kitchen. I miss those days. But everything is changing. Jasper no longer lives here, and it isn’t the way it used to be. I don’t need him to slice my apples for me anymore, no matter if I still want him to or not. He has better things to do these days, and I’m not a part of his life now.
“Maybe, but we made a giant pot of meatballs, and I also have all these cookies. I’m not sure we’ll even make it to the pie.” I wipe my hands on my apron and see I’ve gotten a lot of stains on this one. I pull it off and grab another from the bottom kitchen drawer. I change my apron multiple times when I cook. It’s weird, but I love so many of them I find myself doing it just so I can wear each of them more often.
“Some of the ladies in town were asking me about your aprons. They wanted to know if you sold them,” Mom says as she starts to shred the cheese for the salad.
I walk over and grab the bowls out of the cabinet for her, setting them down next to her.
“I was kinda thinking about it. Nicole knows how to design websites and says she can make one up for me if I want.” I like this idea more than the prospect of making pies all the time. I love baking, but it takes a lot of time and needs to be tightly scheduled. With the aprons, I can do them whenever, and I can always change things up.
“Is that what you want to do?”
I shrug. I’m feeling lost and I don’t know why. “I love making them. I hadn’t really thought about making them to sell. I might like it. Plus, it could be more flexible when I start school in the fall. Make my own hours.”
I feel my mom's stare, though I don’t look up. It has to be one of those mother things where you can look at your child and they feel it.
“You don’t seem too excited about college.”
I keep my hands busy, avoiding her gaze. “I’m not, if I’m being honest. I thought it was what I was supposed to do next,” I admit.
I always did well in school and even graduated at the top of my class. But that’s not saying a lot with how small our schools are. Although I excelled in the classroom, school was never something I enjoyed. I went to class and did what I was supposed to, but at the end of the day, there was nothing interesting enough to make me want to keep going.
Looking up, I meet her eyes and see the soft smile of understanding in them. The comfort is a relief, and I relax my hip against the counter.
“You know you can take some time off, baby girl. You're young, and you’ve got time to figure out what you want to do. Maybe even find yourself first.”
“I can’t stay here forever. I’ll think of something.” I step away from her and go back over to the stove. I stir the sauce, trying to keep my thoughts hidden. I don’t want my mom to see how unsettled I’m feeling, because she’ll worry. When I glance over at her, she’s staring right at me her eyes narrowed. She gets up from the bar where she’s been working and comes around to me.
“Baby girl, you can stay here forever. You know that, right? Tell me you know that.”
I can see that what I said upset her. Crap. That’s what I was trying not to do. “Of course I know that, Mom.”
She pulls me into a hug, and I hug her back. Some of my worry slips away as her comforting arms surround me. I don't know how she does it, but being around my mom always makes me feel better.
I shouldn’t have told her that, but I didn’t mean it like I had to leave. More that I should, because it was getting to be time. My mom had me young, and her own parents tried to talk her out of having me. But she didn’t listen. She knew she wanted me no matter what, so she went out on her own and made a life for us. It wasn’t anything fancy, but I never went without. Never thought I wasn’t loved. My mom worked hard for us. Then she found Ned and we both adored him immediately.
She’s spent her whole life focusing on me and being the best mom anyone could ask for. I don’t want her to worry about me anymore, because she’s done enough of it. I want her to be happy and don’t want to do anything that might hurt her happiness here. This family is everything to her, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.