He told me where he was and I didn't hesitate when I left my house and headed in his direction. His truck was pulled over in an old parking lot. I pulled up beside him and rushed to his passenger side door. He leaned over and opened it for me to be able to climb inside.
Conner looked terrible.
Aside from him looking like he'd been crying again, his eyes were barely open. "I fucked up, Amy."
"I don't want to know the details. It hasn't exactly been an easy night for me."
He grabbed my hand and sat it in his lap. "I ain't even talkin' about that part. I had to do something' else tonight."
I don't know why, but the first thing that came to my mind was that he killed Heather. Not that I would ever think Conner was that violent of a man, but after everything she had done, maybe he just lost it and accidentally killed her. My eyes got wide and I looked right at him. "What did you do? Please tell me it wasn't anything illegal."
He scrunched up his face like it pained him to talk about it. "It depends. If nobody reports me, then I think I'm in the clear."
My heart was beating like a freight train was coming straight at me. "Oh my God, Conner, what did you do? Do we need to leave town? Do you think they found the body yet? Oh God this is so bad, just tell me how to help you. I know it was an accident..."
He put his hand over my mouth and started laughing at me. "Would you shut up. Damn, you really think I killed a person? Are you for real right now?" He kept laughing at me as I shrugged and felt both bad for assuming and relieved that he hadn't. "I popped two Percs at Heather's. I tried to drink down some whiskey before I went in, but I still couldn't focus. I've never had a damn problem until you came along and fucked up everything about the way I lived my life."
I was shocked. Was he blaming me for doing drugs? I backed away in my seat and pushed him even further away from me. "Screw you. Don't you dare do that! Don't you dare blame me for the shit you did. I have nothing to do with your stupid choices."
I was so pissed at him that I wanted to jump out of the truck and go home. I guess the little bit of wine I had was enough to come out of my quiet shell and take up for myself.
"It has EVERYTHING to do with you! I never gave a shit before. Fuckin' was about fuckin' and nothin' else. Now, all I have are these damn feelin's that make me think about what I'm doin’ before I do it. You can be as pissed as you want, but I couldn't just go in there and fuck her without somethin' to make me forget how much I'd be hurtin' you."
He punched the steering wheel with his fists. "Damnit woman, you just don't get it do you? You just don't understand how much I love you. Being near her made me sick. You really think the old me would have passed on an easy lay like that? My God she's been throwin' her pussy at me since the first night we met. I could have pounded that shit right in the parking lot that night, but I didn't. Do you know why, Amy? Do you know why I didn't?"
I was crying. Partly because he was blaming me and the other reason being because he really was completely in love with me. This man, this broken man, that I was completely in love with, was broken again and this time I was to blame. "Go ahead and tell me Conner. You're obviously going to anyway."
"Because the idea of never being able to have you again made me want to die. Because seein' you leave with that piece of shit husband of yours was my breakin' point. I wanted you for myself and after bein' around that, I knew I was goin' to have it."
"Conner, don't talk like that!"
He got up in my face and I didn't back away this time. "It's the fuckin' truth, Blaze. You think that worrying about me bein' with Heather is bad, you think about how many months I've had to lay in my bed thinking' about him touchin' and fuckin' what was mine. You can fight me and deny it all you want, but after that first night together, you've always been mine."
I couldn't look into his painful eyes and lie anymore about my feelings. I knew when I gave myself to him that night that it was more for me. At the time, I'd assumed it was just sex for him, but he kept being there and supporting me. There wasn't a time where I couldn't count on him.
“You’re right. You're totally right, Conner. I started falling for you that night. It wasn't the first time you'd come to my rescue. It was easy for me to fall right into your arms every time you came around. I suppose I wanted you to seduce me. At first, I wanted to believe that someone like you could want someone as damaged as me. I just never thought this would come out of it."
He leaned back in his seat, but grabbed my hand and kissed it. "Well, it did and I'm tired of fuckin' waitin' for it to be the right time. For months you've said you were leavin' him and I know there's two ways this story plays out. You'll either leave or you'll stay."