I wanted to believe that he had real feelings for me, but I think sometimes he forgot that I’d known his sister for a long time and she had told me all of the stories about him. He wasn’t exactly the poster boy for relationships, in fact, she told me once that he didn’t do them at all. Still, the man was always around for me. I could call him in the middle of the night and he would answer.
In the next month Rick became overwhelmed with his new job. His daughter was pretty much living with her boyfriend, behind her father’s back. I kept busy with work and saved up two thousand dollars without anyone noticing. It wasn’t enough to move out, but it gave me hope that it would come soon. When I did leave, I would be without a job and a place to live.
Since Rick was always on the road, we got along better when he was home. His new schedule kept him away for four days out of the week and normally he would sleep for two whole days when he was home. He claimed the money was better, but I never saw a cent. I had no idea what our bills were, not that I even cared anymore.
I stayed focused, becoming even better friends with Conner, while keeping my distance from him. It was easy with Rick being seemingly happy at home. His drinking was lighter and we hadn’t had any kind of confrontations. I knew that he knew I was unhappy though, because there was no chemistry between us. Several times he had initiated sex with me and I ended up just lying there the whole time. I couldn’t get into it. He repulsed me so much that I loathed him.
I will never forget the day when I decided to write my father a letter. I told him how I needed him in my life. It was hard for me to mail it out but I did it anyway. I also reached out to my brother and sister, who I found on the internet, living in other states. It was difficult for me to admit, even on paper, how my life had turned out. It was also hard knowing that the only person I could talk to about it was Connor.
He said he wanted more from me, but I couldn't see past my current situation to take that kind of leap. It was like he kept hanging on even when I gave him a million reasons to stop being my friend. I felt like in some ways I was using him for his kindness. I didn't want to be that person, so I ended up pushing him further away. Still, my feelings never changed for Connor, and at the end of every day he was all that I wanted and what I would never have.
After two weeks of waiting I finally heard from my sister. She was in the middle of a divorce and raising her three children by herself. I was happy to be back in contact with her, but as far as getting help, I knew I just couldn't ask.
She told me that my brother had gone to jail for armed robbery. His wife cleaned out the house and took the kids and nobody ever heard from her again.
I had hopes of reconnecting with my father, but as the weeks turned into months, all my hope went out the door.
For many nights I cried myself to sleep. I was utterly miserable and couldn't find that one olive branch to help find my way out of it all. I was pretty sure Rick was seeing someone while he was on the road. Since his daughter basically didn't live at home anymore, he spent more time out driving and less time being off. It was fine with me, since I wished he would get hit by a car and die. I hated to be so cold, but he'd hurt me physically and mentally and I knew I could never get past that.
I knew he'd stopped caring about what I was doing. Conner called me every day and we talked sometimes into the night. He continued to ask me every day to see him, but after two months, he was still pretending to have feelings for Heather. I refused to ask him details of their relationship, but he said he was close to knowing the truth and ending the charade.
I think the hardest part was when she came in for a haircut. I had prepared myself for how she was going to brag, but several times she gave details that only someone who had been intimate with him would know. I about choked on my gum and had to hold back the tears.
I was putting foil highlights in her hair and trying to sing along to the radio to keep her from talking about him, but it was inevitable. "I just want to thank you again for setting me up with Conner. He is amazeballs."
I rolled my eyes and kept working. "We'll, that's good. He seems real nice."
"He is such a gentleman and let me tell you, he is not lacking in the package department. That man is hung like you wouldn't believe. The things he can do with his mouth, oh my God, it's insane."
My hands began to shake and I wished that I was holding a pair of scissors. "It's great that you're hitting it off, I could tell that you would."
I seriously wanted to hurt the girl. She had no idea how upset I was over the situation and no idea what she had with Conner wasn't even real.
"So where has Tyler's wife been these days? Did she finally deliver those kids that probably aren't even his? He made a big mistake choosing her over me. I could have given him his own kids. Instead of some other losers." She played with her phone while I considered ripping out her hair and shoving it down her throat.