Wanting More(17)

Thankfully, I was able to avoid him until he went out on the road again. When he wasn’t home, I laid in bed and tried to think of an easy way out of my marriage. Not because I wanted to be with Conner. He was a total asshole and nothing was going to change my mind about that. Sure, his body was unbelievable, but everything out of his mouth was bullshit. Still, there was something about that man that made me so hot with desire. Seeing him naked made it even harder and I hated that he knew that. It was like he was intentionally torturing me with his shallowness and my stupid self was taking the bait.

As the weeks passed, Conner’s unexpected visits became less frequent. It was almost like he knew that I had him out of my system and then could come walking back into my mind, just because he knew he could. I wanted to scream, but the other part of me wanting to touch him and do a lot more. He was my poison and even though I knew it was dangerous, I wanted to drink him down and let him fill every inch of my body with ecstasy. Still, I knew that I only thought I wanted him so much, because I wasn’t supposed to. It was something that had always been a problem for me. I never did like the word ‘no’.

I don’t know whether it made things harder or easier, but Rick had been making an effort at being a better person and he’d laid off of the alcohol and stopped accusing me of having some hot affair, for the most part. I was still trying to save up money to leave, but his work was slow and I couldn’t afford to stash much away without him noticing. I’d devised a nine month plan, but the longer time went by, the more I struggled to save.

There was a time where I was head over heels in love with Rick. That time was gone and for the most part the man repulsed me. Even on his good days, the man I used to admire was gone. He was bitter and verbally abusive, so much so that even his own child couldn’t stand him. She was still rebelling, like always. In fact, I was surprised that she hadn’t just moved in with one of her friends to get away from it all.

My life was a repetitive prison and as much as I ran toward the end of the dark tunnel, I couldn’t seem to break free. Time was against me and without friends I felt completely alone. As much as I wanted to believe that Rick would never lay a hand on me, like he kept promising, I knew it was only a matter of time before I was forced into a corner of the house by the back of his hand, or whatever else he felt like using at the time.

It wasn’t like I never thought about fighting back. I had so many times. I’d played out how I could use objects around the house to stop him from getting to me. I’d even considered hurting him while he was passed out. Sometimes I wondered if living in a jail cell for murdering my husband was a far better future than suffering from his abuse.

On one of Rick’s bad days, I went home to him throwing things at my head as I walked in the door. I managed to duck out of the way for the first thing, but got hit by the remote control as it slammed me in the back of my head. “Where you been at, you whore?”

I held my hands over my head and tried so hard not to cry. “I just got off work, I swear. I had a late perm appointment and it wasn’t setting like I thought it would.”

He came over and grabbed me by my hair, shoving me into a chair. “Look at you, all dolled up. You think I don’t know what you’re doing? You let me catch you with that son of a bitch and you will both be sorry. You hear me, bitch?”

“Rick, please,” I cried. “There isn’t anyone else. Please stop hurting me and calling me names. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t deserve it.” I was pleading with him.

He started laughing all up in my face. I could smell the wretched odor of stale liquor and cigarette breath. “You deserve nothing! Get yourself cleaned up and go fetch me more beer. Do something useful for a damn change.”

I ran into the bathroom to clean up my face and when I came out, I found my purse dumped out over the table. He was going through every single receipt and my wallet. He took my phone and started looking through it. Since I did nothing wrong, I knew he wouldn’t find anything. I slowly approached the table and grabbed my car keys, but nothing else, before darting out the door and not looking back.

I drove around crying for a while, knowing damn well I wasn’t going to go back for my purse. While driving through town one thing caught my eye and without even reconsidering, I pulled my car into the parking lot at the bar next to Conner’s truck and sat there waiting.

I knew he had pool league and it had just started. People in town knew me and I couldn’t take the chance of walking inside to get his attention. The longer I sat there, the more I knew that being there was a bad idea. I turned the key and started to back up my car when I heard someone knocking on the window. Conner stood there with a hand in his pocket waiting for me to roll down the window.