could’ve done. She ran. She ran into Simon’s apartment. Of course the girl who meows when she has an orgasm is afraid of cats.
Clive gave chase, and as I stood in the hal way with Simon and Mimi, we heard shrieking and meowing echoing back to us. It sounded oddly
familiar, and I was reminded of Simon bringing it on home. I shook my head and took over.
“Caroline, what the hel was that? Your cat just—” Simon was saying, and I placed my hand over his mouth as I hurried past him.
“We don’t have time, Simon! We have to get Clive!”
Mimi fol owed me into his apartment, Ned Nickerson to my Nancy Drew. I fol owed the shrieks and meows to the back of the apartment,
noticing that Simon’s place was an exact mirror image of mine. It was very single guy, with the flat screen TV and the amazing sound system. I
didn’t real y have time for a proper shakedown, but I did notice the mountain bike in the dining room, as wel as beautiful framed photographs al
over the wal s lit by retro sconces. I couldn’t admire for long, as I could hear Clive getting worked up in the bedroom.
I paused by the door, listening to Purina scream. I looked back at Simon and Mimi, who wore twin expressions of fear and confusion—although
Mimi’s also showed quite a bit of merriment.
“I’m going in,” I said in a low, brave voice. With a deep breath I pushed the door open, and saw the Bedroom of Sin for the first time. Desk in
the corner. Dresser on one wal , with top covered in loose change. More photographs on the wal , black and whites. And there it was: his bed.
Cue trumpets.
Pushed up against the wal , my wal , was a giant California king, complete with a padded, leather headboard. Padded. It would have to be,
now wouldn’t it? It was immense. And he had the power to move that thing with his hips alone? Once again Lower Caroline sat up straight and took
notice.
I centered, I focused, and I pried my eyes away from Orgasm Central. I scanned and acquired the target: there at the leather club chair in front
of the window. Purina perched on the back of this chair, hands in her hair, moaning and wailing and crying. Her skirt was shredded, and there were
tiny claw marks in her stockings. She attempted with every fiber of her being to shrink away from the cat on the floor in front of her.
And Clive?
Clive was strutting. Strutting back and forth in front of her, giving it his al . He turned like he was on a runway, pacing along a line on the floor
and glancing at her nonchalantly.
If Clive could wear a blazer, he would have taken it off, draped it casual y over his kitty shoulder, and pointed at her. It was al I could do not to
fal down laughing. I stepped toward him, and Purina shouted something at me in Russian. I ignored her and focused al my attention on my cat.
“Hey, Clive. Hey. Where’s my good boy?” I crooned, and he turned. He glanced at me, and then jerked his head in Purina’s direction as though
he were making the first round of introductions. “Who’s your new friend?” I crooned again, shaking my head at Purina when she tried to say
something. I held my finger up in front of my lips. This would require great finesse.
“Clive, come here!” Mimi yel ed and barreled into the room. She always had trouble containing her excitement.
Clive made for the door as Mimi made for Clive. Purina made for the bed as I raced after Mimi, who col ided with Simon just outside the
bedroom door, who was stil holding his damn Whole Foods bags. Thoughtful y chosen sustainable organic produce rained down on both of them
as I pushed past, hurdling over limbs and a wheel of Brie on my way back to the front door. I caught Clive just as he made a break for the stairs and
held him close.
“Clive, you know better than to run away from Mommy,” I chastised, as Simon and Mimi final y caught up to us.
“What the hel are you doing, cockblocker? Are you trying to kil me?” he shouted.
Mimi rounded on him. “Don’t you cal her that, you…you…you wal banger!” she fired back, smacking his chest.
“Oh, you two shut up!” I yel ed. Here came Purina down the hal way toward us, wearing only one shoe and a furious look. She began to shout in
Russian.
Mimi and Simon continued to yel , Purina screamed, Clive struggled to get loose and be reunited with his one and only, and I stood in the
middle of the chaos, trying to figure out what the hel had happened in the last two minutes.
“Get control of your damn cat!” Simon yel ed, as Clive tried to spring free.
“Don’t you yel at Caroline!” Mimi yel ed, smacking him again.
“Look at my skirt!” Purina cried.
“Did someone order pad thai?” I heard above the chaos. I looked and saw a petrified delivery boy standing on the top step, reluctant to come