He sits beside me on the grass. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how nervous are you about tomorrow?" he asks with a wry smile.
"1000," I reply.
"Olivia-"
"Yeah, yeah, I know, just do my best and don't worry about the nerves and what happens, happens."
"Actually," he smirks, "I was gonna say, ‘please don't lose'."
I choke on a surprised laugh. "Asshole."
"And also, just do your best. What happens, happens."
"The whole team will hate me if I don't place tomorrow."
He scowls. "You've said a lot of crazy shit, but that's got to be the craziest. How could they possibly hate you if you fail to do something they've also failed to do?"
"Because I'm the only one on the team capable of winning it." I know that sounds arrogant but it's the truth. The girls on the team work their asses off, but there's only so much hard work can do and the rest is genetics. "And if I hadn't fainted during the first meet, we'd probably already have a spot at regionals, but now we don't."
"Or you could consider the fact that if you hadn't come to ECU we wouldn't have placed once all semester. You did that for us."
He may be right. It doesn't change the fact that we will all be disappointed if I mess up tomorrow. Anyway, there are other things I'd rather talk about. Like the way he kissed me the other night. I'd like to know if he enjoyed it. If he wishes he could do it again. There are a thousand bad things in my head, things I push away all day long. But that kiss is a good thing and it's the only thing I'm not allowed to discuss with him.
"This conversation is making my stomach hurt. Can we talk about something else?"
"That detective left me a message," he finally says. "Apparently, you aren't returning his calls."
"I don't want to talk about that either."
"Liv," he says gently, "you're going to have to talk about it eventually."
"No, I won't."
"But why? You said yourself you'd never planned to try to find your brother as an adult. I know this whole thing has been a shock, but does it really change anything?"
He waits, and I know him well enough to know that he will ask, and ask, and ask until he's finally gotten the truth.
"It's not the possibility that he's dead. An adult version of Matthew would be a stranger to me. It's that if they are right … " My voice catches, and still he waits. "If they are right then he would have been so little, and so scared." The sentence ends on a rasp, and I feel this odd grief come over me, pulsing against my eyelids, my jaw, trying to wrench itself free of my skin. My heart begins beating too hard, a race it can't win.
He scoots so that his body is tight next to mine, a welcome line of warmth, and puts his arm around me. I bury my head into his chest, relishing the feel of his fleece beneath my skin, the firmness of him under it, his smell and the sound of his heart so close to my ear.
///
"I would do anything to fix this for you," he says quietly, "and it kills me that I can't. Tell me what to do."
It takes me a minute to reply. "You already make everything better," I tell him. "And you're the only one who ever has."
He stills at the words. His breath, his pulse seem to stop entirely. I look up at him and his eyes meet mine. I don't know what this is to him, but to me, it's something far beyond running or lust or even friendship. When did he become so important? I know all too well that it's not safe to care about anything this much.
I see panic, quiet and fleeting, pass over his face before he looks away. "Good," he says quietly, "I'm glad I've been able to help."
We ride back to the stables in silence. I'm equal parts embarrassed and angry. I don't know why I told him what I did. What did I think it would accomplish? I hang Trixie's tack up and begin to brush her, hurrying through it in my eagerness to get away from him.
"So are you going out with Evan again?" he asks.
"I don't know," I say, without interest, "maybe."
"You didn't have a good time?"
I could spend longer on Trixie, but I decide that tonight I'm cutting corners. I pass him on my way out of the stable. "It was fine."
He follows me. "Then what's the problem?"
"I don't need to date anyone twice. I'm not into relationships."
"I don't believe that anymore," he says. "You're as much a relationship-type girl as anyone I've ever known."
I glare at him. "No, I'm not."
"So on a night like this one," he says, "can you honestly tell me that you'd rather be alone than have one other person with you to experience it all with? Even the lamest possible future you can imagine - sitting in a living room like my mother's and watching reality TV - don't you want to be with someone for it?"
I'm angry, and sad, and it's all welling up in my throat and my chest and my head, making me feel like it can't be held in.
"Yes," I hiss, coming to a halt. "Yes, and if I told you I want exactly that - the two of us together doing every single lame thing we do - what would you say?"
The breeze rustles between us, only emphasizing the vast silence on either side. I want to hate him for making me spell it out, but there's something so wary and yet so vulnerable in his face that I can't.
But if I could cry, I'd cry right now. I'd cry and I'd beg him to see me the way I want him to see me. To admit that all these things, every minute we spend together, are the highlight of his day, his month, his year, his everything, the way they are for me. Please admit it, Will. Please.
"I'm sorry," he says hoarsely, beginning to walk away. He draws his fingers toward his palms in tight fists. "I shouldn't even have brought this up."
"Did you like sleeping with me?" I call after him. His body jerks to a halt. "I know you've stayed with me. Before the last meet. And the last time we were in the hotel. You stayed when you didn't have to. Did you like it?"
He hangs his head. "Olivia, I'm not allowed to like it. I'm your coach. And that's all I'm ever going to be."
He wants away and I want to kick myself for my stupidity. Did I really think he was going to abandon his job and his hot girlfriend for me? I've got no family, no money, a criminal record, and there's a strong possibility that I'll lose my scholarship before I graduate. I start fights, can't account for what happens when I'm asleep, and I'm incapable of any emotion but anger most of the time.
Why would anyone give up anything for that?
I wake up miserable. I know I didn't run because I don't think I ever quite fell asleep. I never realized how important Will's answer would be until it came back last night as a gentle but thorough rejection. Dorothy tries to get me to eat and it comes back up almost immediately. I wouldn't be surprised if I pass out again today. I don't want that for the team but at the same time it feels as if nothing matters anymore.
I don't say a word to him as we get ready to leave. Dorothy wishes me luck and hugs me goodbye. "We'll see you Tuesday, right?" she asks.
I look at her blankly.
"Thanksgiving weekend?"
I can't. I can't spend another weekend around him after what happened last night, watching Jessica take all the things I want and can't have. It's time to finally cut the cord. Jessica was right. This family has done nothing but sacrifice for me and they're in no position to be taking in orphans right now.
///
"Oh," I say. "I totally forgot to tell you, but I'm going home with Erin. Sorry about that."
Dorothy's face falls, and guilt spins in my stomach alongside every other bad thing brewing in there right now. But in the long run, I'm not going to be a part of this family, so I may as well stop pretending I am right now.
51
Will
I fucked up.
I know that I fucked up.
I just don't know what else I could have done.
I wanted to tell her the truth. Yes, I want all the same things, and I want them only with her. I want a thousand boring nights in, sitting on a ratty sofa listening to her malign newscasters and make fun of their guests. That I want to spend my entire life keeping her safe, even if means sleeping on the couch outside her room to do it. That I've never wanted anything in my entire life the way I want her, and the idea of giving her up makes giving up climbing pale by contrast.
What good would it have done, though? I'm not going to wait a year and a half just to watch her move on to bigger things. And I'm sure as shit not going to try and convince her to destroy her future and stay here with me, in a small town where none of the things she wants can happen.