48
Olivia
"You're a total space cadet today," Erin laughs over breakfast.
"She's excited for her date with Evan," teases Hannah, and they all laugh. "Even the unfazeable Finn is getting swoony over a guy." I roll my eyes and let them believe they're right. And I guess they are, in part.
It's just the wrong guy.
I kissed Will last night, and it was the kind of kiss that has had me running a finger over my lips all morning, trying to recapture it, relive it, ever since.
I woke up last night. His arms were wrapped around me, shielding me from the outside, and I knew we'd been like this before. It felt familiar. And it wasn't enough. I wanted more from him, and so, still half asleep, I took it.
His mouth was as soft and pliant as I'd imagined and, to my surprise, he gave into it. A tiny, low moan from his throat, his arms tightening, pulling me closer, kissing me like it was something he'd wanted for a long, long time. Rolling me to my back, moving over me … and then freezing up and pulling away as if I were on fire.
It wasn't a good kiss.
It was an amazing, life-altering kiss. The kind I will remember every time I'm with someone else. The kind I'll still be thinking about when I'm 80 and this is so far behind me I shouldn't recall any of it. I'm pretty sure I'd take a lifetime of that kiss over almost anything else.
Will barely spoke to me this morning. Wouldn't even look at me. And it doesn't matter because now I know, whether or not he'll admit it, that some part of him wants this too.
Evan picks me up and, being a gentleman, he only makes a few references to how unbelievably shitty my neighborhood is. "It's not all bad," he says. "I bet you don't have to walk far to find meth."
He drives us out of the city and toward the mountains, and we wind up at a tiny shack that serves the best barbeque I've ever eaten in my life. There's a porch in back and a small stream weaves its way right through the center. I didn't want to come tonight, and I'm still not sure I want to date him, but it's okay.
"So is this better than eating ramen noodles alone?" he asks.
"I don't know," I reply. "Are we talking shrimp flavor or the spicy chicken?"
"Admit it, you're having fun."
"Fine. I'm having fun."
"And you'll go out with me again."
"We'll see."
"Awesome," he says, leaning toward me. "Then I lied before, when I first asked you out. I am gonna try to kiss you."
It's a good kiss, just like it's been a good date. And it still can't hold a candle to last night's kiss with Will.
49
Will
"It feels like something is missing without her here," my mother says that afternoon. "The house feels empty."
I don't need to ask who she means. This house was my refuge and now it lacks something. "I'd never have imagined her making anything better," I reply.
///
"Will," my mother says gently, "sometimes it's best to admit things to yourself, instead of pretending they aren't there."
"You want me to admit I like her? Fine, I admit it. Do I like her in a way I shouldn't? Yes, I think I have since the day I met her. There. It's all out in the open and it doesn't feel better in any way."
"If you like her so much, then why are you still with Jessica?"
"I don't know. I figured I should wait until after Thanksgiving since she told her family she wasn't coming home. But it's going to make things a lot harder."
"Harder how?"
I exhale. Sometimes I think the only thing that's kept me from messing up more than I already have is the fact that I have a girlfriend. I'm with Olivia way too much and keep finding myself in situations where it would be so easy to make a mistake, like I did last night. But these are things I can't tell my mother. "I'm around Olivia a lot," I tell her, hoping she'll understand.
"Then maybe you need to come up with a better solution, honey. Maybe you need to not be sleeping here before meets."
"Are you going to tackle her when she runs off, Mom?"
"Obviously I'm not going to be able to stop her, but Brendan could."
"No." My voice is cold and certain, my fist clenching reflexively.
"Why not?" Dorothy asks. "He's as big as you, and nearly as fast. I'm sure he'd be willing."
"Yeah, I'm sure he'd be all too willing," I sneer. "I'm sure he'd jump at the chance. That's why he's not doing it."
"If you can't be with her, maybe you should move aside for someone who can."
"I'm not stopping her from being with someone else. But I'm sure as shit not going to encourage her to be with someone when I'd be forced to look on. And it sounds like you are."
"I want to see her happy and in love, and if it were one of my boys, it would be the best of all possible worlds."
"Do you think … " I exhale, steadying my voice. "Do you think she likes Brendan?"
My mother sighs. "I think we'll never know until you get out of his way."
I'm not getting out of the way, that's for damn sure.
Brendan. Evan. The entire fucking world is full of guys who can take her away from me, and one day one of them will.
50
Olivia
Everyone wants to know how the date went. It's the first thing they ask from the moment I walk on the track.
"You're such girls," I groan. The date was fine but the truth is that I've already sort of forgotten it, and I don't feel like wasting time discussing it now.
"Ha! She's holding out on us!" screeches Nicole. "That means they got busy."
"Do you think you ladies could do a little less jabbering and a lot more stretching?" Will snaps, but it's as if he hasn't spoken.
"What's he look like with his shirt off?"
"He's a swimmer, Nic." I laugh, trying to mask my irritation. I already feel like I'm on edge and my teammates' girlish bullshit isn't helping. "You can just Google him if you want to know what he looks like with his shirt off."
"Yeah, I know. But I wanted you to admit you'd seen it firsthand."
"A lady never kisses and tells," says Erin.
"No, gentlemen never kiss and tell. Ladies can kiss and tell all they want," Nicole responds.
That afternoon Evan comes to the track to watch us practice. It's Erin who sees him first, but Will's eyes follow hers and turn cold immediately.
"Olivia," he says, "please inform your boyfriend that he is not welcome at our practices."
"He's not my boyfriend," I huff, "and why does it matter anyway?"
"Because he's a distraction. You're here to improve, not to show off for a guy."
"I wasn't showing off. I didn't even know he was here."
"Whatever," growls Will. "You can inform him, or I can inform his coach. Your call."
Once Will's done being a complete dick, I climb the steps toward Evan, who puts down his book and nods at Will, who's out collecting cones from the track. "What was all that about? You guys looked like you were arguing."
"He was informing me that you are not allowed to be here," I sigh. "Sorry. He said either I tell you or he tells your coach."
"What the hell? It's none of his business. I'm allowed to sit here. It's public property."
///
Technically, it's university property, but I see his point. "He thinks you're a distraction."
"Am I?"
"I'm not saying you couldn't be, but I'm pretty focused during practice."
Evan's eyes narrow as he watches Will on the track. "That's okay. I can still spend plenty of time with you when you're not practicing. Let's see him try to monitor that."
I get the feeling that if Will could, he would.
Sunday's meet has weighed on me all week, and by Saturday, it's ramped into stomach-churning self-doubt. Betsy's the fastest girl on the team aside from me and I've never seen her come in better than sixth, which means I have to be first to get us a high enough weighted score. If I fuck this up in any way, we don't go to regionals.
I've been pacing my living room all day long, and by the time Will picks me up I don't even have the energy to give him shit about the way he acted the day before.
Dorothy makes dinner, but I can barely choke it down. I listen to them talk but don't participate, because I'm too busy thinking about all the things that can go wrong tomorrow.
Will sighs, taking a look at my untouched plate. "Let's go for a ride."
We head to the lake his father built for him and Brendan. I look out over it while the horses graze, beginning to understand why Will is so conflicted about his dad. How can you love someone who treated you the way his father did? But how can you hate someone who also wanted to give you the world, who built you a lake just hoping to make you happy?