“What are you asking about me for? Of course I’m all right. I just don’t like seeing you in pain.” He parked in the hospital parking lot and told her to wait. “I’m getting a wheelchair for you.”
“You don’t have to do that. I can walk.”
He shot her a look beneath lowered brows. “I’m getting a wheelchair and a nurse. Don’t move.”
When Jake came back to the car he could see that Erin had had another contraction. Her face was pale and damp with sweat, and she grabbed his hand after he and the nurse helped her into the wheelchair.
“Don’t leave me again,” she panted. “Promise you won’t leave again.”
“I promise.”
He’d never seen Erin like this before. She was always so strong, so quietly competent about everything—even when she showed vulnerability, it only came in flashes.
But now she looked scared—really scared. And the contractions were hurting her so much…
“I think you should get an epidural,” he told her once they were in their hospital room. He heard the tension in his own voice and fought to stay calm so he could keep her calm. That was his job here.
Except that Erin was the one doing all the work. She was in so much pain he felt the stirrings of panic in his own body. He would do anything to stop this, to bear it in her place.
Erin spoke in gasps. “But that’s not in our birth plan. All those books said going natural is best for the baby. I can take it, I can—”
Another contraction, and she moaned, squeezing his hand.
Everything in him rebelled against this—against standing by helplessly while Erin suffered.
Their doctor came in to examine her, and told them Erin was fully effaced and four centimeters dilated. She could have an epidural if she wanted one.
Jake couldn’t understand why she didn’t want one.
“There’s no reason for you to go through this,” he said, holding a cool washcloth to her forehead between contractions.
“We knew it would hurt,” she panted. “But we decided we wanted a natural birth.”
He remembered talking about all this in their childbirth classes, making a step by step plan with Erin about how they wanted the birth to go, but those quiet conversations might as well have happened on a different planet. It was like the difference between looking at a battle plan on paper and being under enemy fire.
“I didn’t know it would be like this. Please, Erin—”
Another contraction. Erin’s face contorted, and this time the panic crawled further up his gut, almost choking him.
“Tell her you’re proud of her.”
Jake swiveled his head and saw it was the nurse who’d spoken. “What?”
“You need to support her,” the nurse said softly. “Tell her how brave she is. Tell her what a good job she’s doing.”
He took a deep breath. “She shouldn’t have to be this brave. I can’t stand to see her in pain.”
“I know. It’s hard when all you can give her is a hand to hold. But that’s what she needs right now.”
So he tried. He fought his rising panic, and he tried. He told her she was brave, he told her she was incredible, he told her what a wonderful mother she was going to be. His words sounded empty and forced in his own ears but he said them, over and over, and he never let go of her hand.
The doctor came in several more times over the next few hours, and when Erin didn’t dilate any further than five centimeters she started to look concerned.
Now she was checking Erin again, and this time she shook her head. “There hasn’t been any progress in the last hour.”
“No progress?” Erin sounded bewildered and exhausted, and Jake’s own fear and uncertainty coalesced into sudden anger. “What the hell does that mean?” he snapped.
The doctor held up her hands. “Nothing, right now. Erin’s doing great, and the baby’s fine so far. Her heartbeat is strong and steady. I’ll check on you again in half an hour, or sooner if the nurse alerts me of any changes. We might want to consider a pitocin drip, among other things. And you should start thinking about the possibility of a cesarean.”
Erin grabbed at him after the doctor had gone. “Jake, we didn’t plan for a cesarean. I didn’t research cesareans. My pregnancy has been completely normal from the beginning. I don’t understand why this is happening.”
Jake’s skin felt clammy, and the hands that held Erin’s were numb. “Everything’s going to be fine,” he forced himself to say. “Maybe we should ask for the pitocin. That will make your contractions stronger, right?”