“I’ve got some time,” he said, hanging an ornament himself and then handing her another one. “Besides, this is more important.”
“Forcing me to decorate a Christmas tree is more important?”
“Yep. Should we sing some carols?”
“Absolutely not.”
He grinned at her. “Come on, admit it. Aren’t you enjoying yourself just a little?”
She took another ornament from him and slipped the hook over a branch. The fragrance of the tree was starting to fill the house. “Maybe a little,” she admitted.
They worked in silence for a few minutes, and Erin started to feel a familiar ache in her heart—the one she felt whenever she did something with Jake that she’d dreamed of doing with a husband some day. That was the real reason she hadn’t wanted a tree this year. She didn’t need another reminder that she and Jake weren’t really a family.
“What’s on your Christmas list this year?” she asked, just for something to say.
Jake turned to look at her, and his eyes were serious. “Do you really want to know what I want?”
She had a sudden feeling that she didn’t.
“Sure,” she said, her mouth dry.
He took the ornament she was holding and hung it on the tree. Then he took her hand, something he hadn’t done since Thanksgiving. “I want you to marry me. Will you, Erin?”
She snatched her hand away. Tears of anger stung her eyelids, and it took an effort not to slap him across the face.
“How dare you ask me that?”
He stared at her. “Because I want us to be a family. Why are you acting like I just insulted you?”
She brushed away the tears with the back of her hand. “Because you did. How can you ask me to marry you after what happened on Thanksgiving?”
He flinched a little, but he didn’t back down. “That doesn’t have anything to do with this. Erin, we’re having a baby together. We like each other and trust each other. We have great chemistry. We—”
“You don’t love me.”
His jaw tightened. “Does that really matter so much? Jesus, Erin, how many men have told women they loved them and then left them high and dry? Love is just a feeling. I’m offering to make a life with you. To take care of you and our daughter. And I swear that as long as I live, I’ll never look at another woman.”
“And you think that should be enough for me?”
“It’s everything I have to offer.”
She shook her head slowly. “Do you really think I could marry you, that I could love you mind and heart and body and soul, knowing you don’t feel the same? My God, it would kill me. Why can’t you see that?”
“Erin…damn it, if I could feel that way about anyone, I’d feel that way about you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I just…” He took a deep breath and dragged a hand through his hair. “I think that part of me is dead. I’m offering you everything that’s left. If that’s not good enough for you, then—”
“Tell me why.”
“What?”
“Tell me about the people you’ve lost. Tell me what you used to have nightmares about. When I ask how therapy is going, you say fine and change the subject. When I ask about your time overseas, you brush me off. So tell me now.”
“Now?” He gestured towards her stomach. “Erin, you’re eight months pregnant. I’m not going to burden you with—”
“You’d better burden me. I’m sick of you trying to protect me from everything—and especially from yourself. I’ve told you I love you. I’ve offered you my heart, and you tell me yours is dead. Well, I want to know why. Tell me about your Silver Star.”
“Erin—”
“Tell me.”
Jake had never seen Erin look so fierce and determined, not even when she was a skinny thirteen year old carrying fifty pound hay bales all by herself. Her arms were folded and her eyes were snapping, and he knew the only way he could get out of this conversation was by running.
He felt trapped, and that made him angry. “You want to know about that damn medal? Fine. We were in a fire fight in Tikrit and a group of us were in a building that collapsed. Dan and I were the only ones who weren’t hurt or killed, and we pulled the rest of the team out of there.” He swallowed. “Five dead and two wounded. Only one survived.”
He could see the horror in Erin’s eyes, but she didn’t look away from him. “That must have been a terrible day. But you saved that soldier’s life, Jake. And I know he wasn’t the only one. How many other lives did you save in those ten years?”