She wrapped her arms around herself, as if she felt cold. Her forearms rested on the curve of her belly.
His eyes dropped to the roundness there, to the place where his baby was growing.
He knew the baby was his. He’d never been so absolutely sure of anything in his life. But still, he had to ask the question.
He took a deep breath. “Is it mine?”
Out of all the scenarios she’d pictured, it had never occurred to her that Jake might just show up at her house one day. When she’d thought about this moment, she always imagined herself prepared. Talking to him on the phone. Making an appointment to see him. Controlling the where and the when, as if that would help her break the news somehow.
Instead, he was standing on her porch with no expression at all on his face, asking if this child were his.
And in that minute she understood why she’d put off telling him. Not only because she’d wanted to give him time to heal, but because she was afraid.
Not afraid of Jake, but of his reaction. She was terrified of looking into his eyes and seeing that this was the worst possible news for him. That no matter how honorably and responsibly he might deal with things, this was the last thing in the world he wanted.
So she didn’t look at him. She dropped her eyes as she spoke the word.
“Yes.”
She hugged herself tighter as she waited for his response. Whatever happened now, at least he knew. She didn’t have to dread telling him anymore.
He didn’t say anything for a minute. Then his hand cupped her chin as he tilted her face up. His blue eyes were intense, and there was a flutter in her heart as she felt the full force of his presence for the first time in six months.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I—” she swallowed. “I was going to.”
God, that sounded lame. Jake dropped his hand but continued to hold her gaze.
“When?”
“By Christmas.”
“Christmas.” He took a deep breath. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me when you first found out?”
For the first time he looked and sounded angry, and she forced herself not to back away from him. He deserved to be angry.
“I thought I was doing the right thing,” she whispered.
He stared at her. “The right thing? Jesus, Erin. I’m not some random guy you picked up in a bar. I’ve known you for fifteen years. My sister is one of your oldest friends. I—” He stopped suddenly. “Allison knows, doesn’t she? You told her before you told me.” His voice was bitter.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen that way. I’ve been avoiding Allison since I started to show, but last week she just dropped by. When I saw her I just…broke down. When she asked who the father was, I told her. I made her promise not to tell anyone.”
“Including me.”
“Yes.”
He closed his eyes. When he opened them again, she saw the hurt behind the anger, and guilt churned in her stomach.
“I don’t get it, Erin. Why couldn’t you tell me?” He tensed, and she knew he was bracing himself for something. “Is it because of what happened the night I was here? Are you…” He swallowed. “Are you afraid of me?”
“No!” It had never even occurred to her he might draw that conclusion. She would have cut her heart out before letting him think that. “That’s not it, I swear. When I called you in July…I was going to tell you then. But we started talking, and you sounded so good. Like you were in the place you needed to be. And you were helping that family…and…” She bit her lip. “I didn’t want to burden you with all this. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to come home.”
His jaw hardened. “That wasn’t your decision to make. It was mine.”
And there it was. The truth she hadn’t wanted to face. None of the logical arguments she’d constructed could stand up against that one simple statement.
She pressed the heels of her hands against her forehead. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
There was a short silence. “Look at me, Erin.” When she opened her eyes again, he took a deep breath. “Did you think I’d turn my back on you? That I wouldn’t take responsibility for my actions?”
Responsibility. How could Jake know what a cold word that was to her? Her father had always acted responsibly, never knowing…or caring…that she was starved for something more.
But she couldn’t explain any of that to Jake. It wouldn’t change anything. She of all people knew you couldn’t make someone feel things they didn’t feel on their own.
“I didn’t want you to come home if you weren’t ready. I didn’t want you to feel trapped.”