Those were the worst moments of all.
It felt like a betrayal of the tiny life inside her. Wasn’t she supposed to be radiant and glowing and joyful? Wasn’t she supposed to feel like the universe had shifted?
It didn’t help that she had an ever-present reminder of what this experience was supposed to be like. Allison looked happier every time she saw her, her eyes shining as she talked about baby names and nursery furniture and showed her ultra sound pictures to anyone who would look.
Worst of all was the day Erin ran into Allison and Rick in downtown Des Moines. They suggested she join them for lunch, and Erin regretted accepting their invitation the instant they all sat down together. Allison gave a little squeal and grabbed Rick’s hand, placing it flat on her abdomen. “There he goes again. Did you feel that?”
“Yes,” he said, smiling into his wife’s eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Allison said to Erin as the waiter poured ice water into their glasses. “You have to be sick of hearing about the baby. I’m amazed anyone can stand to be around me right now. I wonder what I’ll be like in four months? Other than huge.”
Rick smiled again, his hand still on her belly, and suddenly Erin felt a stinging in her nose and behind her eyelids. She took a deep breath, holding herself together by sheer force of will. Then she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, pretended to look at a nonexistent message, and rose to her feet.
“One of my clients just emailed me with a crisis, and I have to go deal with it. We’ll have lunch another time, okay?”
She made it out of the restaurant before the tears started to fall.
The way Rick had looked at Allison…
Oh, God. She wiped her face with her sleeve and practically ran to her car, grateful when she had some small barrier between her and the world.
Her loneliness felt like an ocean swell, pulling her under. The only person besides her doctor who even knew she was pregnant was Beth. She couldn’t tell Allison. Her brother was the baby’s father.
The baby’s father…
Her tears were clogging her nose and making her throat ache, slipping down her cheeks faster than she could wipe them away.
She remembered her last phone call with Beth, who didn’t agree with her decision to wait before telling Jake.
“You’ve already done the virgin heroine thing. Don’t you dare do the secret baby thing. I hate it when heroines do that.”
Beth was comparing her life to fiction again. Erin shook her head, thinking how grotesquely unlike a romance novel her life was.
“I’m not doing the secret baby thing. My God, I would never do that. I’ll tell Jake before the baby’s born. He can be there for the birth, if he wants. But what he’s doing now…it’s important. Remember how you said he needed to deal with his stuff? He’s actually doing that, Beth. He needs some time. And…so do I.”
She heard the pleading tone in her own voice, and Beth must have heard it, too, because her own voice turned contrite.
“I’m sorry, Erin. I don’t mean to sound judgmental. I can’t imagine how tough this is for you. I just hate the idea of you doing this all alone, and I know Jake will do the right thing. But I won’t bug you anymore.”
The right thing.
Of course Jake would do the right thing.
Instead of making her feel better, crying only made her feel worse. She couldn’t afford to break down like this. Because when she felt weak, all she wanted to do was call Jake.
“I’m pregnant. Please come home.”
And he would. Like a shot. He’d cut his trip short and be home in a heartbeat. He might not be the settle-down-and-raise-a-family type, but he was the honorable type. There was no doubt in her mind that Jake would own up to his responsibility and do the right thing…whatever he decided that was.
He might even ask her to marry him.
She buried her face in her hands. The idea of her ridiculous girlhood fantasy coming true like that made her feel sick. Jake was clearly at a place in his life where he needed to roam. He had no interest in being in Iowa right now, and he had no interest in her.
She wanted him to come home because he wanted to, not because he had to. She wanted him in her life for the same reason. But once he found out about the baby, every interaction between them would be based on obligation.
She would be an obligation.
The sudden ache in her heart made her press her palm against her chest. She stayed like that a minute, and then she pulled out her cell phone.
She stared at the screen and willed Jake to call. If he’d only reach out to her, tell her he was thinking about her...
The phone felt clammy in her hands. After another minute she slid it back into her pocket.