Mitch cocked his head to the side. “That’s not quite true, is it? You gave me access to your records. You got shot in the leg six years ago, right?”
Jake brushed that off. “The bullet didn’t do any damage. It didn’t go near the bone.”
“Uh huh. And a couple of years after that you took some shrapnel in your back.”
“So what? That barely left a scar. I have both eyes, both hands, both feet.”
“So because you didn’t lose an arm or a leg, you don’t think you deserve help?”
The word deserve made his hands clench into fists. “Who cares what I deserve? I don’t need help.”
Mitch nodded. “I see. Well, then, you should probably go.”
Jake stared down at him. “What?”
“I don’t want to waste your time. No one forced you to come here, and no one’s forcing you to stay. So go.”
Jake sat down again. “Is this some kind of trick?”
Mitch shook his head. “No. But I’m curious to know why you showed up here today.”
“You know why. You suggested I make this appointment in front of Paul.”
“So?”
“It took me days to talk that kid into seeing you, and now he’s actually coming twice a week. I worked damn hard to convince him therapy isn’t crap. How the hell could I say no after that?”
“You’re a resourceful guy, Jake. You would have found a way to say no if you wanted to. So why are you really here?”
Images flashed through his mind. Erin at the lake, laughing at something he’d said. Erin on the back of his bike. Erin arching into him, so beautiful she took his breath away.
Erin with a bruise on her cheekbone.
He ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve been having a little trouble sleeping,” he said gruffly. “Sometimes I…wake up.”
Mitch nodded. “What wakes you up? Nightmares?”
“Yeah.”
“And you want them to stop?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. We can work on that. But in order to deal with your nightmares, we have to treat the underlying problem.”
His jaw tightened. “And that would be?”
“It’s my belief that you’re suffering from PTSD and trauma-related guilt.”
There it was…the label he’d been resisting for so long. He wanted to say it was bull, but instead he heard himself ask, “What’s trauma-related guilt? And why do you think I have it?”
“Because so many soldiers died, and you didn’t. Because Dan died and you didn’t.”
A wave of nausea rose up inside him. “Maybe I should feel guilty. There’s something I didn’t tell Angie and Paul, about the day Dan died.”
“Do you want to tell me?”
Every muscle in his body felt tense. “No.”
Mitch nodded. “Fair enough. How about this. When you go home tonight, write it down. The next time we meet, you can let me read it…or not. Your choice. How’s Thursday at two?”
Jake took a deep breath. “I hated every second of this. Why would I come back?”
“Because you’re ready. And because you’ve got guts.”
He’d just left Mitch’s office when his cell phone rang. He glanced at the screen and saw Erin’s name.
A jolt went through him. He stared at the phone for a second and then flipped it open.
“Erin. Hey.”
There was a short silence. “I didn’t expect to actually reach you,” she said, sounding flustered. “I thought I’d probably get your voicemail.”
Hearing her voice made him remember that night.
Of course, everything made him remember that night.
It had been more than a month since they’d talked. It had been a short, awkward conversation and he’d thought about calling her every day since, but he never had. He wondered why she was calling now. He’d figured she’d written him off weeks ago.
“So you were planning to leave me a message?”
“Well, yes.”
“What were you going to say?”
“I wanted to see how you’re doing. How your trip is going. And I was going to ask you to call me, because…because I have news.”
Maybe she was dating someone. No…she wouldn’t call just to tell him that. Maybe she was engaged. He’d been gone six weeks—was that enough time for her to have met some guy and gotten engaged?
His hand tightened on the phone. “What news?”
“I…” She paused. “You know, I’d rather hear about you first. Tell me about your trip.”
“The trip is good.”
He wanted to tell her he was seeing a therapist. He wanted to tell her about Paul. He wanted to tell her what he’d had for breakfast that morning, and find out what she’d had for breakfast that morning.