It was what he’d been afraid of all along. The reason he’d tried so hard not to get close.
Because he knew he’d end up hurting her.
“Jake,” Erin said gently, closing the distance between them. “Jake, it’s okay.”
Why the hell was she looking at him like that? Like he was the one who’d gotten hit, and not her? He didn’t deserve her sympathy. He didn’t deserve anyone’s sympathy.
He shook his head. “It’s not okay. I had no right to let down my guard like that. It’s my fault for falling asleep.”
For letting himself believe the peace he’d felt was real. That it was something he could hang onto, even for a little while.
For letting himself believe he could hang on to her.
Looking at Erin now, he remembered how she’d felt in his arms. So much softness, so much beauty.
But Erin could never be his. He’d always been wrong for her. She was too young, too sweet, too innocent.
He was still wrong for her. She didn’t belong anywhere near the hell that lived inside him.
And he’d make damn sure he didn’t forget it again.
Chapter Nine
One month.
It had been a month to the day since Jake had roared out of her life so fast he’d left skid marks.
Actual skid marks. If you looked closely, you could still see them in her driveway.
It had been a strangely empty month, even though she had several new clients—including a politician up for reelection and one of her favorite country bands.
But she had never been more aware of how solitary her chosen profession was.
And now, at two o’clock on a beautiful June afternoon, she was holding her cell phone open in her hand and willing herself not to dial Jake’s number.
She’d deleted him as a contact, so at least she couldn’t call with one push of a button. But she knew his number, and at least once a day she had to force herself not to punch in the ten digits.
They’d talked once since he’d gone away. He’d called her from San Antonio to let her know he’d gotten there safely, and to ask about the bruise on her face.
The weight of all the things she wanted to say made for a pretty stilted conversation. When he apologized “for what happened” she knew he meant the nightmare, but it felt like he was apologizing for making love to her, too. But she couldn’t ask him about that. She’d told him that all she wanted was that one moment, that she wouldn’t expect anything else—and she was going to keep that promise.
One of the many, many reasons she shouldn’t dial his number.
But she had to call someone. She’d spent way too much time alone lately, and if she didn’t talk to someone else soon—someone who wasn’t a client—she was going to go crazy.
Allison picked up on the first ring. “Erin! I haven’t heard from you in forever. And you must have read my mind, because I was just about to call you!”
Her voice was vibrant and joyful, and Erin smiled at the phone. Allison had always been contagious. “What’s going on? You sound like you’re ready to jump over the moon.”
“I am. Oh, Erin, I’m pregnant!”
“Allison! That’s fantastic. I’m so happy for you…and you’re going to be the best mother in the whole history of mothers.”
“Well, I’ve had a lot of practice over the years. I feel like I already have kids, you know?” Allison ran a foundation that supported families dealing with childhood cancer, and she worked with hundreds of children. “I’m due on December 12th, so I’m fourteen weeks along now, which my doctor said is the best time to announce that you’re pregnant, since the riskiest period is over. It was so hard to wait, but—”
Allison was going on, bubbling over with excitement, but Erin suddenly stopped listening. A cold feeling rushed through her. And for the next few minutes, while Allison was talking, she was calculating.
She was ten days late.
Her period had never been regular. Sometimes she was a couple of days early, sometimes a few days late…and that was why she hadn’t thought about it until now. She never paid that much attention to when her period was due, since it was never predictable.
But ten days?
She knew the date of her last period was May 3rd, because that had been the day of her big presentation at the senator’s office.
And she knew that she and Jake had made love two weeks later, on May 17th.
And now she was ten days late.
An hour later, she was sitting in her bathroom looking at a positive home pregnancy test.
For the first few minutes after she saw the little plus sign, she didn’t have any coherent thoughts. She just sat on the toilet lid, holding the test stick but not really seeing it, and conscious only that her life had changed completely. It was like an explosion had blown her sky high and she was floating now, weightless, looking down at a world that would never be the same.