He pulled back a little, smiling into her eyes as he swept the pad of his thumb over her kiss-swollen lips. “Last year? Last month? Last night?”
She took a deep breath and let it out. “Never.”
There was a sudden, frozen silence, and Erin’s heart plummeted. A moment ago Jake had been in the grip of the same desire she was feeling, and now he was staring at her like she had three heads, one of which was purple and covered with tentacles.
She took another deep breath and started to babble. “I’ve dated and…you know…fooled around. I just never, uh—”
“You’ve never had sex?”
She turned red. “No. But—I want to. With you,” she added, as if he couldn’t have figured that out.
He was still staring at her. “Jesus, Erin. I don’t know what to say.”
She bit her lip. “How about saying you want that, too?”
“I—” He stopped and covered his eyes for a long moment.
Then he let his hand drop to his side as he took a deep breath. “Erin, you have no idea how much I want that.” His voice was rough, and she could still see hunger for her in his eyes.
And his determination not to give into it.
A tickle of anger ran up her spine. “A minute ago you were asking me for condoms. And now you don’t want me anymore? Because I’m a virgin?”
He seemed to actually flinch away from that word. And when he grabbed his shirt from the floor and started doing up buttons—the ones she hadn’t popped off, anyway—she knew it was over.
How was it possible to go from heaven to hell in the space of a minute?
“Why?” she asked flatly.
He looked up. “Erin—”
“Why is this such a big deal?”
“Because it is. I won’t do this to you.”
“Do what?”
“Hurt you.” His expression was resolute. “Erin, your first time is a big deal. You obviously think so, too.”
“Because I waited?”
“Yeah.”
“I waited until the right time. Until the right person came along.”
“And you think that’s me?”
There was a flash of emotion in his eyes, a sudden flicker of self-loathing. It twisted her heart in her chest.
“Yes! I mean…I know you…and I trust you…and...” I’ve wanted you for half my life. “And I’m attracted to you.”
Now he grabbed his suit jacket from the floor and put it on. “You knew me ten years ago. You don’t know who I am now. The truth is, I’m the last person you should trust. I’m not looking for a relationship, Erin. Your first time should be with someone who is. Your first time should be special.”
She folded her arms and leaned back against the door. “How special was your first time?” She knew she sounded sarcastic, but she couldn’t help it. There was an ache in her heart, an ache all through her body, and she still wanted Jake so much she could taste it on her tongue.
He smiled a little. “It wasn’t special at all. I was drunk, and it happened in the backseat of a car with someone I didn’t even like that much. I think it’s great that you waited, Erin. I just think you should wait for someone better than me.”
“But—” She stopped herself. “Are you really such a terrible choice?” she asked instead.
“I wouldn’t be good for you. A one-night stand is all I’ve got in me right now, and you deserve a lot more than that.” His jaw tightened. “I don’t pretend to be a saint, but I’m damned if I’ll take your virginity when I don’t have anything to offer you in return.”
His words hung in the air between them. Suddenly Erin felt tired…tired to her very bones.
“Okay,” was all she said, hearing the resignation in her voice.
She turned her head to glance through the window. “The storm’s worse. You’re still welcome to stay on my couch if you want.”
He shook his head. “I’ll be fine.”
“Okay,” she said again. She thought about tomorrow, and knew she wouldn’t be able to face him. “You don’t need to pick me up in the morning.”
“How will you get back to your car?”
“I’ll call a friend to take me.”
“I thought I was a friend.”
She just looked at him. “I’ll call a different friend.”
He winced a little at that. “All right. I get it. But if you ever need anything—”
She couldn’t stand to let him finish. “Right, sure. If I ever need anything I’ll call. Good night, Jake.”
“Good night,” he said after a moment. He pulled on his overcoat while Erin prayed she could hold it together just a little longer. Then, finally, he opened the door and left.