I head over to Lacey and crouch down. She throws her arms around me and hugs me, which always makes me feel good.
I try not to dwell too much on Erin or on my job. I haven’t been spending enough time with Lacey lately, and I need to make the best of every second with her. The rest of he night is dedicated to my daughter, and everything else can wait.
14
Erin
Saturday afternoon and I don’t have to work.
I should be happy about that. Most people want to spend their Saturday out with friends, maybe walking through the park, that sort of thing. I’m young, so I should be partying it up, or whatever normal people my age want to do.
Instead, I’m stuck inside thinking about Griffin.
All I want to do is work. Even though I’ve been a little distant toward him, that’s mostly just a defense mechanism. Truthfully, I want to spend all my time in his apartment with him and Lacey. Home is feeling more and more strange and cold, like it’s not the place that I once grew up.
Though I guess I never really felt totally like that. The happy families on TV that sit around the dinner table together every night are totally foreign to me. My parents were always fighting when I was growing up, and my father was barely even home anyway. We were practically raised by a string of nannies and daycare people until finally I was sent off to boarding school and basically forgotten about.
We’ve never had a happy family. I thought that was fine, I figured we were just different. We had power and money, we didn’t need to be like those stupid smiling saps in sitcoms. We were special.
But the more I spend time with Griffin and Lacey, the more I think that’s wrong. It’s possible to have a happy family and to have everything else as well. Griffin adores his daughter and practically dotes on her, although he’s been busy lately, he still does his best to make time for her. She’s young though right now. When I was first hired, Griffin made it a point to say that this job won’t last forever, because he’s going to scale his time at the office back soon. He clearly wants to be involved in his daughter’s life, wants to raise her, and wants to have that happy family that I never could imagine.
It’s part of what scares me about him. I know that I’m involved in something that could hurt him and his family, that could push them apart. I could directly lead to his family maybe breaking up, or at least to it breaking down. I’m worried that if I keep putting myself out there, I’ll end up just hurting the two of them, and I don’t want to do that.
But I also can’t stop trying to protect them and I can’t stop wanting him. That’s not totally the reason I’ve been distant anyway.
I’m also afraid of how he’ll react to my virginity. Some men find it attractive and some men think it’s strange, and I’m terrified that Griffin will think I’m weird. I don’t know if a man like him could understand that someone would choose to remain a virgin until the right time. I’m worried he’ll look at me differently.
As I’m lying in bed reading a book, I feel my phone buzz next to me. Curious, I pick it up.
“It feels weird without you here.”
I can’t help but smile. It’s like Griffin knew that I was thinking about him or something.
“Does Lacey miss me?” I send back.
“She sure does. Keeps asking for you.”
“I bet,” I say, smiling. Lacey doesn’t really use full sentences yet.
“It’s true. She keeps asking where that pretty girl Daddy is always trying to kiss is hiding.”
“Tell her I’m hiding from her aggressive father.”
“I guess you wouldn’t be interested in visiting us if you’re in hiding then.”
I can’t help but smile at that. I don’t respond immediately, because I don’t want to seem too eager, but truthfully I was hoping he’d message me today. I didn’t think he’d invite me over, but that’s even better.
“How much are you paying me?” I ask him.
“Nothing. This is purely a social visit.”
“Good. See you soon.” I hit send then jump out of bed and get changed.
I have to make myself presentable for him, of course, but I can’t go overboard. My father is home today and if I run into him on the way out, I don’t want him to be suspicious of my clothes. I choose a pair of tight jeans, sneakers, and an appropriate t-shirt, but I make sure that it’s tight in all the right places at least. I do my makeup and hair, but I don’t go overboard. When I’m finished, I’m slightly more dressed up than I usually am when I go over there, but not so much that it looks suspicious.