Virgin(89)

Obediently I got up.

“Come in,” said the familiar terse voice from inside the office.

I pushed open the door and there she was. Her blond Diana hair had been chopped even shorter into a David Bowie–style mullet and she was wearing a chocolate-brown suit.

“Ms. Kolstakis, how are you?” she asked, looking me up and down. Her eyes hovered on the hemline of my dress and then returned to my face.

“Okay, thanks. How are you?” I replied neutrally, sitting down in one of the plastic chairs. I knew the routine now.

“Very well, thank you. So what can I do for you today?” she asked expectantly. She pushed her rimless glasses up her nose and peered at me over the lenses.

“Well, I would like to do a chlamydia test, please,” I said confidently, crossing my arms. “And all of them, actually.”

“All of what?”

“I want to get tested. For all the STDs,” I explained.

“It says on my system here I gave you a chlamydia test last time, but I don’t have any information about your results. When did you send it off?” she asked, scrolling through her computer.

“I didn’t actually get round to it,” I admitted. “It didn’t seem relevant because I hadn’t had sex then. But that’s all changed now, so I need to get tested.” I settled back into my chair, smugly watching her.

She turned to face me. “Right, so you’ve recently had unprotected sex? Do you have reason to think your partner had any STDs?”

I shifted in my chair. My bare legs were getting stuck to the plastic. “It wasn’t unprotected. I just thought I should get checked to be on the safe side.”

“And your partner—has he been checked lately?”

“I mean, he isn’t actually my partner, and I don’t know if he’s been checked . . . I didn’t ask him.” Jeez, what century was she from, expecting him to be my boyfriend? I bet she was the kind of person who said “making love” instead of “having sex.”

“Could you ask him now?” she asked.

“Um, no,” I answered, biting my lip.

“All right,” she said wearily. “Let me give you another chlamydia test. You can do this one here. And you’ll need to get a blood test for HIV.”

“HIV?! Oh my God, do you think I have HIV?” I cried out.

“It’s unlikely, but if you’d like to be tested for everything, it makes sense to do an HIV test,” she said, typing away on her computer.

“Okay,” I said uncertainly, “but I’ve only had sex once, so I think I probably don’t.”

She shook her head gently. I could tell she didn’t believe me. “All right,” she said. “Do you have any symptoms you’re worried about? Does your vagina smell, are there any lumps or unusual amounts of discharge?”

“Um . . .” Didn’t everyone’s vagina smell? And I didn’t think it had any lumps or I probably would have noticed. Who knew STD tests were so complicated?

“I suppose I do have a lot of discharge,” I mumbled, looking down at the floor. “And it sometimes smells but I thought that was . . . normal.”

“Is the discharge white or yellow? Is it thick?”

I had no clue. I had never analyzed it. Clearly I should have. “Erm, I guess it’s . . . a bit of both? Kind of . . . average, I guess?”

She sighed. “Okay. Well, you may have thrush. Let me give you some thrush cream just in case.”

I looked up, alarmed. “Thrush? Really? I thought you get it from wearing lacy knickers. I’m more of a cotton panties kinda girl. I don’t think I have thrush.”

“Certain underwear can cause thrush, but it can also appear for a number of reasons. It’s a very common infection and your body can generally overcome it by itself, but I’ll give you the cream just in case. If you start to get particularly heavy discharge or if there’s a very fishy smell, you can use the cream.”

“Okay,” I answered, trying to process all this brand-new information.

“In the meantime, take this pot and fill it with a urine sample. While you’re in the bathroom, do this chlamydia test and then come back for a blood test with the nurse. I’ll pass on your information to her. Is there anything else you’d like to talk to me about while you’re here?”

“Well, there is one thing,” I said cautiously. “This is . . . kind of embarrassing for me to ask, but, um, now that I’m not a virgin, do you mind changing it on your computer? So it doesn’t say VIRGIN in massive letters next to my name? Maybe you can change it to . . . SEXUALLY ACTIVE or HAD SEX. Actually, HAS SEX would be more accurate because I’ll probably do it again . . .” I trailed off awkwardly.