Virgin(87)

Suddenly I felt light and free in a way I hadn’t even felt immediately after losing my virginity. This was different. At the age of twenty-one, I was finally okay with being a virgin. Pity I wasn’t one anymore.

“Babe, are you okay? Your eyes have gone misty and weird,” asked Emma.

“Guys . . . I think I’m okay with being a virgin,” I said slowly.

Lara and Emma looked at each other, exchanging glances filled with concern. “What?” I asked.

“Um. You know you’re . . . not a virgin anymore, right?” asked Emma cautiously.

“Whatever,” I said, waving my hand in the air. “I’ve just had an epiphany. I think . . . I have finally accepted my virginity. And the fact that it’s gone. Oh my God, this is . . . this is fucking revolutionary.”

Lara looked confused. “Are you sure you’re okay, Ellie?”

“Yes, I’m okay, I’m great,” I cried. “I’ve just realized that there was nothing wrong with being a virgin. So nobody had penetrated me. So what? I can shove a plastic dick in me. Who cares?! Why does the state of my hymen mean so much? It’s not defining me. I’m not defined by my skin color or my weight, because that’s racist and fascist, so it shouldn’t be any different with my virginity.”

“I don’t think you meant fascist,” said Lara.

“Just because you do law,” I retorted, and she held up her hands as if in surrender.

“So, do you guys agree or not?” I demanded.

“Of course we do,” said Emma. “What do you think we’ve been trying to tell you this whole time? And you know what? It goes the other way too. Why should I be judged if my hymen is broken? So am I a slut because my vagina has had more than thirty-five different dicks inside? Um, NO!”

Lara’s eyes widened a bit at that but she joined in. “It’s true. Why does it matter if I enjoy having sex with an emotionally unstable guy who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me? I don’t want a relationship with him either. I just enjoy sex, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don’t want a boyfriend. I want occasional, noncommittal, booty-call sex with Jez. Fuck it; if you can finally accept your virginity, then I’m going to stop pretending I want more from him. I’ll admit I love our arrangement. It’s perfect.”

“You know what?” I added, a grin on my face. “I no longer care that I was a twenty-one-year-old virgin. I wasn’t a drug addict or a uni dropout or anything disastrous; I was just a virgin. And if Hannah really does know I was a virgin, I think I’m okay with it. So, I was a virgin at twenty-one. So fucking what? If that’s the best gossip the English gang have, then their lives are dull.”

“Totally,” agreed Emma. “It’s not even interesting news. No offense, Ellie. It’s the kind of thing everyone will forget about in five minutes. Besides, after graduation, we never have to see any of them again.”

“You’re so right,” I said. “It will be embarrassing if people know and talk about it, but I’ll get over it. And, while I’m at it, I’m going to accept that I am attractive even with my obvious flaws. I don’t need to look like Angelina Jolie to get laid.”

Emma raised her eyebrows.

“Oh, fine,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I’m not just ‘attractive,’ I’m fucking hot and so are you two.”

The girls laughed and raised their glasses. “To Ellie and her hairy hymen,” shouted Emma, and we clinked our glasses.

I kept my glass raised. “Here’s to my future. As a girl who doesn’t give a fuck about the state of her pubes, her hymen or her humiliation. Here’s to my vagina.”





Pubes and Prejudice

Here is our promised entry on pubes. Instead of both of us sharing our knowledge with you, EM has respectfully bowed out of this one because her pubes are blond and she has no ingrown hairs. Instead, EK is going to tell you about her own sizeable bush and her journey to final acceptance of what lies beneath her pants. Hope it helps.

EK: The first time I showed a guy my vagina, he burst into laughter. We were both seventeen years old and it scarred me for the next four years. It was only when I was twenty-one that I was able to face my demons and let another man down there again. He laughed too.

I do not have a particularly amusing vagina. However, both of these men found my pubes—or lack thereof—hilarious.

Guy 1 saw my pubes in their full glory. Curled to the max and springing out from every follicle. I had done nothing to cultivate my lower garden and he found this hilarious. BUT no matter how much he laughed, he was still willing to let me go down on him. My point being, I may have been more au naturel than a hippie in a commune, but he still wanted a BJ from me.