“Did you actually search for virginity advice on Wikipedia?”
“See how desperate I am?” I pleaded in my best whiny voice.
“Promise you’ll never do that voice again and I’ll consider it.”
“Oh, fine. Have you brought any chocolate with you? I’m going to need calorie support for when I tell you about last night.”
“I’m on a diet again.”
“Are you kidding me?! You’re a size eight—you don’t need to diet.”
“I know, but I feel kind of gross and I was planning to see Jez tonight and I didn’t want to be bloated.”
“Lara, you’re speaking to someone who had to buy size twelve jeans the other day—and they still left imprints on my legs when I took them off. Do not even think about saying you feel fat. Besides, do you want to end up looking like those anorexic A-listers in magazines? They’re completely airbrushed and no normal humans look like that and—”
She groaned through the rest of the rant I recited to her every time she tried to diet. We had both decided long ago never to become girls who only ate celery and used their diaries for cumulative calorie counting, but occasionally one of us lapsed and found the willpower to start dieting. It was normally Lara.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ll see you in five with chocolate.”
We sat looking doubtfully at the pile of clothes on the bed. I had no idea what to wear. Cosmo’s What to Wear for Any Occasion guides were open on twenty website tabs but none of them had a What to Wear for Finding a One-Night Stand to Lose Your Virginity To page.
“Once we’ve chosen where we’re going, it will be easier to choose an outfit,” said Lara.
I sighed and fell back onto the pile of discarded dresses on my bed. “The thing is, I don’t want to lose it to a skanky student, especially because I might see him again, so we can’t go to a student place . . .”
“Okay, why don’t we go somewhere a bit nicer?” she suggested. “In Mayfair or something? Lots of people from my uni go out round there.”
Normally the thought of going to those clubs made me break out in a cold sweat. Hordes of Oxbridge graduates in designer clothes would make me stick out like a sore thumb. I had already tried the typical student clubs, however, and had had no luck whatsoever.
I shrugged. “You know what? Fuck it. I’m desperate. Let’s go to a posh club.”
She whooped and I carried on. “Besides, I may as well get deflowered by someone who can actually afford to buy me a drink. Hell, if I shag someone wealthy with connections, I might even get a writing internship out of it.”
Lara stopped cheering. She crinkled up her perfect-sized nose and stared at me. “Are you sure you’re not being a bit, um, blasé about this whole breaking-your-hymen thing?”
I exhaled loudly. “Look, I know I sound a bit crazy. But honestly, it just feels like a burden now. Even if I did meet the right guy, he would run a mile if he found out I’m still a virgin. It just makes me look weird—kind of like I saved it for him. If I can get rid of it with an ONS, then I’ll feel so much freer after, you know?”
“Did you just abbreviate one-night stand?”
I ignored her. “I promise I won’t regret it. I’ve thought about it a lot and I know it’s the right choice for me. I just want to get this humiliating experience over with as soon as possible. Please help?”
“Oh, fine. Let’s go to Mahiki. Prince Harry and his friends go there, so at least you’ll lose it to someone who can pay for an abortion if you need one. Besides, it’s cheaper on Mondays for students.”
Hours later, Jez still hadn’t texted Lara back so she decided she would look for an ONS of her own to take her mind off him. We decided to wear black to respect the impending death of my virginity and picked out two short dresses from my wardrobe.
“Okay, so if I’m planning on getting down and dirty tonight, I need to shave my legs.” I paused and then carried on. “And more important, what am I meant to do with the hair down there?” I whispered. “You know what happened last time.”
Following The Bite Job, I had decided it was time to get rid of my pubes. A quick poll had revealed that all my classmates had been shaving their vaginas since they turned fifteen but no one had thought to tell me. I realized where I had gone wrong in leaving my pubes au naturel. I was too embarrassed to ask my friends for more info so I researched the topic online. It didn’t take long to learn the difference between a Hollywood and a Brazilian. Every website and magazine said that the au naturel vagina had only been acceptable in the seventies.