“Welcome,” she said. “Today I am going to share something with you. I’m going to share the glorious secret of how to give your partner that perfect moment of pleasure: a blow job.” Her mouth lingered in an O-shape as she emphasized the vowels. “I don’t want you to think of it as just a blow job, though.” There was a dramatic pause before she carried on. “I want you to think of it as a blow gift.”
Paul and I exchanged a glance and burst out laughing. We paused Gabby as we cracked up. Bits of popcorn sprayed out of my mouth as I repeated, “It’s not a blow job, it’s a blow gift,” in my best American accent.
“Oh, man,” said Paul, rubbing his eyes on his jumper. “This woman’s fucking insane. We have to watch more.”
We un-paused her, and Gabby took us through each step of giving the perfect blow gift. Apart from the occasional snort of laughter, we listened avidly and took notes. By the time we got to the end of the video, my notebook was filled with a systematic list.
Take the penis into your mouth with plenty of saliva, or use a lubricant.
Suck up and down the shaft and DO NOT GRAZE WITH TEETH.
Vary rhythm, speed and intensity.
Gently caress his testicles with your hand, then up the pace a bit.
Tease him—go fast and then when he gets revved up (Gabby’s choice of phrase, not mine), slow down.
Use your tongue—if you can multitask, lick it while you’re sucking. Or just lick and play with it when it’s erect (the ice pop technique again).
Listen to his reactions so you can see which bits he likes.
Linger on his sensitive areas—the penis tip, the testicles and the perineum. (That last one seemed a bit more up Paul’s alley than mine.)
Use your hands and mouth together—put your mouth at the tip end, and suck up and down, and use your hand at the shaft end to do the same, to save you having to deep-throat. (It also seemed like the perfect way to combine doing a BJ and an HJ. Maybe I could revisit both fears in one slick move?)
Maintain lots of eye contact during the blow gift.
If you gag, tell him it’s because he is so massive. (Making the best out of a bad situation. Well done, Gabby.)
Very, very gently suck his testicles one at a time.
Then the final goal—the ejaculation. It’s up to you to choose where you want him to come, said Gabby. Either tell him to withdraw and come on your body, breasts or even a tissue (seemed kind of sad)—or let him come in your mouth and choose whether to spit or swallow.
She ended the video with a quick reminder. “Remember, girls and guys, a blow gift is something you should enjoy too. Share the pleasure and enjoy the gift that keeps on giving.”
After Paul left, I started to think about Lara. That was the kind of thing she and I would have done together. Paul was lovely and had the best sense of humor I’d come across in a guy, but he was no Lara. She could make me sob with laughter with descriptions of Jez’s penis—he had what was onomatopoeically known as an almost-chod, which meant it was weirdly thick and the width was almost bigger than its length. Lara told me it was like sucking a loaded tree stump.
I missed her. She was my oldest friend and we once stuck needles in our palms to be blood sisters. Our bond was too strong to be ruined by a hungover fight, and I was determined to revive it. I grabbed my phone before I could chicken out.
“Hello?” she answered cautiously.
“Hey,” I said, suddenly realizing I had no idea what to say to her. Fuck. The nerves rose in me and I tried to make my voice sound normal. “How are you?”
“Fine, thanks,” she said. Why was she being so formal? She must still hate me. “You?” she ventured.
“Yeah, fine too, thanks,” I lied, fighting the urge to start crying and say how much I missed her. Instead I stated the obvious. “We haven’t spoken in ages.”
“No, we haven’t.” Why was she making this so hard for me? I’d taken the first step by making the phone call. Didn’t she want to speak to me? “How have you been?” she asked neutrally.
“I . . . I’ve been good,” I said. I wanted to tell her about Jack and Paul and Emma but I didn’t know how. “What about you?” I asked lamely.
“Me too, thanks,” she said.
“Have you seen Angus again?” I asked, bracing myself to hear that they were officially a couple.
“Uh, no, that didn’t really work out. But, you know, things are good,” she replied.