These were the crucial questions I wanted the answers to, but damned Britney was just sucking his cock with no explanation whatsoever. When the camera did a close-up of her, I tried to see what she was doing with her lips, but it was useless. Then she went faster and faster and the teacher put his hands on her head to force her to go deeper, which looked very unfeminist and I totally couldn’t imagine Jack doing it.
Eventually his groans got louder and he came into her mouth. Dribbles of white goo trickled out of the corners of her mouth but she licked them up as though it was a melted Milky Way Bar and looked up at him sexily as she swallowed. Then—and this bit made me gag a bit—she licked the tip of his cock to clean up any last drops. I closed the video in disgust and tried another one, hoping it would be more illuminating.
The next one showed a blond girl at a garage, with two old builders. She had huge tits, and it was boringly predictable. There was barely any plot, and within seconds, they were both shagging her at the same time. The cameraman—it had to be a man because no woman would ever focus on this—zoomed in on the penises going in and out of both her nether orifices.
I averted my eyes from the screen, a sour taste in my mouth. I shoved the M&M’s away, watching out of the corner of my eye. This was definitely hard-core and their groans and moans were just as graphic.
Thank God I lived alone, because these noises would be enough to scare any flatmate. I fiddled with the laptop to turn the volume down, but it was complicated because I didn’t have any volume keys anymore. I had put my hair straightener on the keyboard whilst taming my hair and it had melted the plastic keys. Instead of sleek black plastic volume keys, I now had to make do with the white gel button underneath the keypad. I was trying to shove my fat fingers into the space to turn the volume down when there was a banging on the door.
Ohmigod. A neighbor had heard it and wanted to tell me to turn it off. I slammed the lid of my laptop closed but the sounds carried on for the longest five seconds of my life. When they stopped, I crept over to the door and opened it slightly. I peered through the small crack and saw a familiar-looking mop of greasy brown hair.
“Paul?” I asked in confusion. “What are you doing here?”
“Um . . . we were meant to meet at two but you’re not answering your phone so I figured I’d come over instead,” he explained.
“Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” I cried as my hand flew to my mouth. “I totally forgot, I was so engrossed in my, um, dissertation.” I flushed and then paused. “Hang on—how do you know where I live?”
“Your mum told me.” He grinned.
Of course she bloody did. “Typical,” I said, as I gestured for him to come in out of the hallway. “Now she’s going to think we’ve fallen for each other and every Greek in Surrey is going to know about it.”
“Perfect cover for me,” he said as he sat on my bed. He was wearing a dirty black hoody and ill-fitting jeans with his awful trainers. If he was going to be my GBF we were really going to have to work on his fashion sense.
“So,” he said nonchalantly, “alone, are you?”
“Um, yes?” I replied, gesturing at my very empty room.
“Oh, right.” He nodded. “It’s just, I thought maybe you were with someone?”
I blushed furiously and tried to convince myself that the wooden door he’d been standing outside was thick enough to block out the porn sounds from earlier. “Nope, I’m alone. I was just, um, watching a film,” I explained.
He nodded as he looked around the room. “What was it, Hot and Steamy in a Sauna?”
I stared at him in horror. “What are you talking about?” I asked in a strained voice. “I was just watching a film for my dissertation. A literary adaptation.”
His face was deadpan but his eyes flickered as he nodded mutely. “Of course. The Cunt of Monte Cristo?”
My mouth dropped wide open and when I caught his eye we burst out laughing. “Okay, fine, I was watching a porno,” I admitted. “It’s not a big deal so please don’t make it one.”
He grinned. “Sure. I mean, what twenty-one-year-old girl doesn’t watch porn alone on a Friday afternoon?”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Yes, okay, it’s not exactly the norm. But it was for a good reason.”
“Research?” he asked, and a look of understanding flashed between us. I nodded and he replied, “I’ve been there too, Ellie. But honestly, porn films are a waste of time. No guy wants a girl like that.”
I opened my mouth to try to say something along the lines of “How would you know?” but he beat me to it.