I sighed and twisted the straw around my drink, clinking the ice cubes. “Paul, I do get it. I’m a lot more like you than you think,” I admitted.
“You’re gay too?” he asked, his eyes brightening up with hope.
“No!” I cried out as my straw fell out of my hand. “Well, at least I don’t think so. I’ve never kissed a girl before. Maybe I should add that to my Things to Do Before I’m Thirty list.” His face crumpled in confusion and I resisted the urge to pull out my phone and add it to my list right there.
“Oh,” he said, looking despondent again. “So, what did you mean when you said you’re like me?”
“I mean that I’m a virgin too. And you didn’t really use me; I kind of used you too,” I disclosed, biting my bottom lip apprehensively.
“What?” he asked, looking genuinely curious. “For what?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” I sighed drily. “A self-esteem boost? Who knows?”
“Well, I’m incredibly flattered you thought kissing me would make you feel better.” He smiled. “But, does this mean we’re even now? Do you forgive me for the . . . kiss?”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, fine. I forgive you,” I said, in a faux-wounded voice. “Except I seriously think I’m going to need therapy for a few years to get over this.”
He laughed. “Look who you’re talking to. It’s taken me twenty-four years to realize I’m gay. But you know what? Now that I’m finally out there . . . fuck, it feels good.”
“This is huge, Paul,” I agreed. “I can’t believe I’m the first person you’ve come out to. I don’t even know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. You’ve helped me enough.” He paused and then grinned widely. “Wow, it feels weird to say that out loud. I am gay,” he repeated.
I felt a small ball of guilt rise inside me as I smiled weakly at him. It was probably time to come clean to him. I sighed and sat up straight.
“Okay, I’m sorry too,” I said. “I can be a self-obsessed jerk sometimes, and I used you on my path to losing my virginity and now I feel bad you’re apologizing so much when what I did was just as bad.”
His eyes widened. “You were going to give me your virginity?”
I swatted his arm with my hand. “No, that would be way too weird. I just . . . wanted to kiss you so then I’d feel better about the guy I really like not texting me back. He’s the one I really want to lose it to,” I admitted.
“Who?” he asked eagerly.
I creased my eyebrows and shook my head, wondering how the hell I’d missed the fact that Paul was gay.
“Just a guy I met at a party. But let’s not talk about him. Are we . . . okay about this whole kiss thing? I didn’t mean to try to use you,” I said. “I guess we were as dumb as each other.”
“Shall we just pretend it never happened?” he suggested. “It wasn’t my proudest moment either.”
I sighed in relief. “Deal. But”—I paused—“now we’ve cleared that up, we need to discuss this gay stuff, Paul. Are you . . . going to tell your parents?”
He looked down at his scruffy shoes. “Ellie, I’m the eldest son. They have all these hopes and dreams for me and I’m just going to break their hearts. I can never tell them. They won’t get it.”
“Paul, I know it’s a fucking nightmare, but honestly, they might be more understanding than you think. Parents can be surprisingly supportive, you know,” I said whilst racking my brains for a single example to prove this. Cher’s dad in Clueless?
Paul nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I can’t really deal with it all now, though. I think I just need some time.”
“Yeah, Jesus Christ, you’re a virgin who just came out at the age of twenty-four. Damn right, you need some time,” I cried out.
“Thanks for reminding me,” he replied drily.
“Sorry, a bit insensitive of me,” I apologized.
“You think?” he said, rolling his eyes.
“I will be very respectful of your gayness from now on,” I replied. “Anyway, onto more pressing matters. Now that you’re gay, does that mean we can go shopping together?”
“Oh my God, I can, like, totally be your GBF,” cried Paul.
I choked on my cocktail. “Oh my God, really?” I shrieked. “Because I’ve always wanted a gay best friend.”
He stared at me. “Ellie, I was kidding. You do realize that not all gay guys are camp?”
“I know that.” I smiled weakly. “I was, uh, kidding too. Obviously. So, um, more cocktails? I’ll just, uh . . . yep, go get more cocktails.”