“Hey, I’m three years older than you and I still haven’t figured out what I really want to do,” he said. “You’re doing a lot better than I am.”
“I don’t know. You seem pretty impressive.” I grinned. “In fact, not to be cringe, but you seem so different these days. It’s fun hanging out with you like this. Although dinner was a bit more awkward, huh?”
He smiled. “Yeah, I guess I find it hard to open up with my family watching. I also had no idea what you’d be like now. I think I was wary of finding another version of my sister.”
“Puh-lease,” I cried. “Do I look like I want to be snogging a guy with an earring all night?”
We both looked over to the couple in question, who were snogging passionately on a sofa, and burst out laughing.
“That’s my sister for you,” he laughed. “As classy as ever.”
“I think you definitely got the better genes.” I smiled. Paul abruptly stopped laughing and froze. “Um, are you okay?” I asked warily, wondering why my attempts at chat-up lines always ended in such extreme reactions.
He opened his mouth and then closed it rapidly. I looked at him questioningly and then, out of nowhere, he leaned his head towards me. Oh my God, was he about to . . .
His lips touched mine.
He didn’t put his tongue anywhere near my mouth, and instead he kissed me gently and hesitantly. It was sweet and it didn’t taste of stale beer or coffee. I put my hands on his face, feeling surprised but confident, and he started rubbing his hands across my back.
Until he stopped and broke away.
“Oh God, Ellie, I’m so sorry,” he said, turning lobster-red and looking down at the floor. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“Hey, Paul, it’s okay,” I said, touching his arm with my hand, feeling a bit alarmed. “You don’t need to apologize. It was . . . it was nice. I liked it.”
His face fell even more than before and he looked like he was about to cry. “Paul, what’s wrong?” I asked. “You’re scaring me. Am I that bad a kisser?” I joked weakly.
An actual tear appeared in his left eye and I freaked out. “Paul, seriously, what’s wrong?” I asked, my tone getting panicky.
“I’m sorry, Ellie,” he mumbled, and then paused. He took a deep breath. “I think I might be gay.”
“WHAT?!” I screeched. “You’re gay? And you just kissed me? Why? Oh my God. Have I turned you?”
“No, of course not,” he cried out. “I just . . . Oh fuck, this is so complicated. I don’t know how to explain it to you.”
“I don’t care how you do it, but please start now!” I said, crossing my arms tightly.
“You’re right,” he sighed, staring at his limp hands. “I think . . . I kissed you because I wanted confirmation that I was gay. I mean, I’ve always known I was, but I’ve never really known for definite because—fuck, this is going to sound so pathetic—I’ve never kissed a girl before. I’ve never kissed anyone before. Not even a guy. So, I never had any proof that I was gay.”
He paused, but I was incapable of responding, so after a while he carried on. “And you were here, and you’re the first girl I’ve ever felt really comfortable with and . . . I don’t know, I just didn’t feel scared for once, so I guess I just took the opportunity.”
“Oh God.” I groaned loudly, as I dropped my head into my hands. “I’ve turned you. I knew it. I always knew I’d turn someone gay. My mum told me today I dress like a man. Do I look like a boy? Is that why you kissed me?”
“Ellie, chill out,” he said, putting a reassuring hand on my arm. “You look very much like a girl. You’re beautiful, and you didn’t make me realize I was gay—I always knew. I just, I don’t know, needed something to force me to accept it. You’ve done me the biggest favor in the world.”
I peered at him through the gaps in my fingers. “Are you sure?” I asked.
“Positive,” he replied.
“Really?”
“Yes,” he said, putting a reassuring hand on my arm. “I feel really shitty about this now. I totally understand if you want to pour my drink on me. I’m sorry, Ellie. It’s just—you don’t understand how it feels to not know for sure if you fancy men. I mean, I’m twenty-four years old and I wasn’t a hundred percent sure if I was actually gay. That’s fucking weird. You’re meant to figure this out as a teenager, but I never really had the chance. I never got to kiss anyone, let alone sleep with them. I’m a twenty-four-year-old virgin and I feel like a total freak. You wouldn’t get it.”