Virgin(15)

“You’re right. And you know what? I’m proud of you for not giving in. I’m sure you could have easily gone home with the emo guy, but you didn’t, so well done for resisting,” she said.

“I guess,” I replied uncomfortably, deciding I didn’t need to admit to her that Chris hadn’t actually offered me his services. Or a drink.

“No, seriously, Ellie. I’m glad you didn’t lose your virginity to some stranger. I know you feel like it makes you different because everyone we know has had sex, but being different really isn’t a bad thing, you know.” She paused, and then added, “Besides, it’s better to be a virgin than to have sex in your best friend’s bathtub, like I just did.”

I felt my skin prickle and I crossed my arms. It was all right for Lara to say being different was a good thing, but she had never had to make up lies during Never Have I Ever or sit in silence while our school friends giggled over awkward sex stories. She got to have awkward sex with Jez—and Angus too, apparently.

“How is being different a good thing?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” She sighed. “I guess . . . I wish I hadn’t thrown my virginity away on a total dick, and you haven’t, so that makes you different. You have morals. It’s a good thing.”

“I didn’t have a choice, remember? The dick I tried to give my virginity to said no.”

She rolled her eyes. “Ellie, that was, like, four years ago. You need to get over the James Martell thing.”

I winced.

The James Martell “thing”?

“Um, Lara, you know how horrible that was for me. The Bite Job was awful—you can’t deny that. And then he totally rejected me. I couldn’t just ‘get over it.’”

“He was a decent guy, Ellie,” she said, her tone irritable. “If you hadn’t been so terrified of seeing him again, you probably would have ended up going out and eventually losing your virginity to him in a really nice way. Instead, you just totally flipped out about it all.”

“What do you mean?” I asked in a slightly strangled voice, knowing I wouldn’t like the response.

She sighed. “Don’t hate me for saying this, but I think you’re scared.”

“Scared?! How can you say that?” Hurt welled up inside me. “Lara, it’s so easy for you. You never had to worry about any of this, and okay, so Jez is a bit of a dick to you, but you both clearly really like each other and you’ve been seeing him on and off for years. It’s different for me. You have no idea how hard it is to be alone when everyone around you is in a relationship or living single life to the max and sleeping with the whole university.”

“But you’re not alone, are you?” she snapped. “You have your friends, you’re doing well at uni—but you’re just obsessed with finding a guy and losing your virginity. If you forgot about that for one second, you might actually enjoy your final year instead of freaking out the whole time.”

I felt tears start to sting the backs of my eyes. “Do you ever think for a second that I do try?” I asked her. “That losing my virginity is important to me because it would help me finally fit in? You fit in without even trying. I don’t even understand why I’m a virgin. No one we know has ever had an issue losing their virginity—more often, they regret losing it to the wrong guy. You had an opportunity with Marc but the only one I’ve ever had was with James Martell. Maybe I fucked it up because, yes, post–Bite Job I was scared of seeing him, but I was seventeen. Since then, no other guy has been interested in me so I’ve never had an opportunity to try again. Lara, I try so hard to meet men and none of them ever do anything more than kiss me—exactly like last night. You just go out to a club and a hot guy comes over and flirts with you. I get stuck with the old men and emos, and then my best friend has sex in my bathroom with a stranger. Do you not understand why I feel alone?”

“Oh my God, why do you keep going on about the bathroom thing?” she asked, her voice becoming shrill and high. “I’m sorry that Angus preferred me to you. Maybe it’s because I’m not so desperate.”

I felt as though she had whacked me across the face. “Desperate? You actually, genuinely think I’m desperate? How can you say that?”

She looked guilty but the apology I expected didn’t come. “Well, I just think you’re a bit . . . I don’t know, obsessed with this whole thing. You wanted to lose your virginity to a guy in a club.”

“So?! It’s my choice,” I replied, trying not to cry. “Lara, you can’t judge me when you’ve never been in my position.” I closed my eyes tight and blurted out something I regretted immediately. “Why have you suddenly decided to care about it anyway? You never have before.”